Jason Takes The 80’s.
Halloween is only a week away. I hope you’ve gotten your super cool and totally original Joker or Harley Quinn costume ready. No one else will have those! You will have the last laugh when you’re a god amongst all the sexy Minion costumes. Halloween victory will be yours! Many a like and retweet will be had once the internet sees your costume dominance! Will you celebrate by shotgunning tiny bottles of Fireball whiskey? Filling your cheeks with as much candy corn as possible like some sort of sugar-addicted chipmunk? Drunkenly grinding on everyone dressed as Donald Trump? No way. You’ll celebrate by making all the Halloween losers watch this Alice Cooper music video for the theme song to Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. Make ’em suffer.
0:05: You can just smell the spandex and hairspray.
0:08: Leather Daddy Alice Cooper
0:13: The least special special effects of all time.
0:16: Yeah, let’s linger on the crotch as long as possible.
0:21: They couldn’t do this shot on an actual street?
0:29: Alice either just made love to a wedding cake or decided to smash his face into a pile of coke.
0:35: Every song should have this synth sound. Every. Single. Song.
0:43: He’s going to put a tiny Jason mask on his wang when he sticks it through the popcorn box.
0:47: That way it’s scary and sexy.
0:50: Look out! It’s second-hand embarrassment!
0:53: Oh, wait. It’s just golf-enthusiast Alice Cooper. Phew!
0:57: Sure, why not?
1:05: *gags violently*
1:13: This style of music should have been known as “nope-wave.”
1:21: Little known fact: That throne is made entirely out of Go-Bots and Atari 2600 E.T. Cartridges.
1:33: The Wikipedia entry for this song is much longer than I expected.
1:41: I agree.
1:50: I wonder if this was the moment when Alice Cooper decided to become born-again.
1:58: *dry heaves*
2:07: Jason Takes Manhattan was less destructive to the franchise than this video.
2:12: Phallic Cooper.
2:20: The only 80s thing missing from this video is puffy paint, Swatch watches, and Madonna.
2:24: And no, I didn’t accidentally leave out crack.
2:28: Clearly, crack was involved in the making of this video.
2:34: So he couldn’t grab them in the cage (the cage he dropped on them, by the way), so he stabbed the door, which then opened the cage less than a second after he walks away. Curse my 2016 logic!
2:42: *throws up in my mouth*
2:53: Yay! Out of context movie clips!
2:58: That’s the last time I let Vince Neil drive.
3:05: Looks like A Nightmare On Elm Street lucked out with their metal theme song.
3:11: Of course, 80’s music videos weren’t kind to Freddy either.
3:16: It’s fun watching these older videos with sexy dancers and realizing that most of these people are now parents and grandparents.
3:20: Some are possibly teaching your kids or are elected officials.
3:29: Jason is the hero we need and deserve.
You can find the Alice Cooper album Constrictor wherever dad rock lives.