Akerstache: King of Cock Rock

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Hello! Jimmy McNulty here. Find me an individual who doesn’t enjoy some quality cock rock, and I’ll show you a liar. This isn’t your father’s cock rock (or is it?), this is something new. Something modern and classic at the same time. Something capable of blowing MINDS.

I clicked on an unassuming link on [some ridiculous metal blog] years ago and discovered my new favourite band… AKERSTACHE! I’ve shared this amazeballs music with my metal friends and they all dig it. If we’re ever BBQ’ing or roadtrip’ing, anyone can throw on some Akerstache and everyone’s happy. (It doesn’t even scare away the girls, they don’t LOVE it but they appreciate the humour.) (Ed. Note: Aren’t you American, Jimmy?)

Akerstache bases his song titles around recent Opeth song titles, but that’s only the beginning of the genius. The rest is his own amazing talent behind every instrument he plays (and dem vocals). Akerstache may be one person, might be many people; there really is no information about this him/her/it/them. AND there is no way of giving this person my money: no shirts to purchase, no albums to own digitally, no one to support. The music is all free! Which brings me to an interesting thought, “is Akerstache really Mikael Akerfeldt?”

 

We first observe Akerstache with the album “Heritage (Of Love)”, from which I shall list the song titles:

“Heritage (Of Love)”

“The Devils Orchard (God Is Dead, Baybuh)”

“I Feel the Dark (In the City)”

“Slither (My Snake All Over Your Body)”

“Nepenthe (Was Her Name)”

“Haxprocess (The Process of Love)”

“Famine (In the City)”

“The Line In My Hand (Tell Me You’re The One)”

“Folklore (Interlude In Em composed by the Keytar)”

“My Love For You Is Deeper (Than The Marrow of the Earth)”

Here is the first single “Slither (My Snake All Over Your Body)”:

Listen to that “breakdown”! Does that scream 80’s or what? I’m thinking “Still of the Night” by Whitesnake. This dude is talented, make no mistake.

Also if you can get your hands on the “Ultimate Reverb Edition” of Akerstache’s debut album, you’ll find covers of some popular artists of this generation: DVDA, Nickelback, and Gunther!

 

Sure enough, Akerstache responded years later with the BEST ALBUM of his career, “Storm Corrosion (Of Love and Emotion)” featuring Stephen Wilton. This collaboration brings us the ultimate, rain-soaked, whiskey-drenched love letter to our own emotions. They bare it all on this album. “Storm Corrosion (Of Love and Emotion)” is no longer on YouTube; but I found it on SoundCloud:

The title track (track 2) is easily my favourite. It’s 10 minutes of musical genius with only one line of dialogue repeated multiple times… but those 10 minutes never get old, never seem to drag. Those 10 minutes are better than most bands’ typical three minute song! Keyboard solos, guitar solos, quiet introspective moments, electronic drums, and more emotion than you’ll ever hear in one song. Another notable cut from this album is track #6, “Ljudet Innan (The Sound Before You Left”). It starts out as an emotional ballad about a man’s sorrow, then kicks into high gear for the bridge with some thrashing cock rock and an amazing guitar solo. The album’s final song is a Steel cover entitled “Say Goodbye (to Love)” with some of the best high-pitched vocals you’ll ever hear in metal.

 

The third (and most recent) album is entitled “Evolution XV (The Revolution of Cock”) and Akerstache gets a little experimental with the first track “In Mist She Was Standing (A Suite In 6 Parts”):

It’s a seven-minute prog-tastic song topped off with permed hair, tight leather, and exposed chest hair. This sounds like something Rush might have made in a parallel universe in which they experimented with rock rock. Flute? Check. Keyboards? Check. Sexy bass? Yup.

“Evolution XV” isn’t my favourite Akerstache record, but that only means the next one will be even better. Aside from showing off the first track, I want to showcase the final track: it’s a live cover of “Famine (In The City)” off their first album. Just listen to how TIGHT they sound live:

 

What follows are download links to the first and third albums in MP3 format:

http://www.mediafire.com/download/62i11mrc6iiat2n/Akerstache+-+Heritage+%28Of+Love%29+%28Ultimate+Reverb+Edition%29+%281986%29.zip

http://www.mediafire.com/download/t2k0276gs6wyw2j/Akerstache+-+Evolution+XV+%281986%29.zip

Since “Storm Corrosion (Of Love and Emotion)” has been taken down from YouTube, I will gladly provide a link from my personal DropBox account for you to get it!

Stay cock, BAYBUH!!!

I hope you liked my first article. If you want to share your thoughts on it, you can find me at the bar with Bunk after work…

(Via)

  • OH MY GOD… EPIC FAIL FOR ME:

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      Imagine feeling like that everyday, you know, as if you worked at a certain OTHER blog…

      • Negrodamus

        The Site That Shall Not Be Named.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          bdsmgaymidgetbugchaserporn.org?

          Wait. OH, that other site that shall not be named.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          do you mean that FAILURES FOR BLOGS site ?

      • We did kinda axl this one up.

        • Negrodamus

          #haxfacts

        • Xan

          Lord Xan, Emperor of the Ashen Wastes decrees that this picture shall be used for an Axl mistake.

          • Steve Smithwick

            Oh, fuck, I laughed hard.

  • Fromwisdomtohate29

    The links are broken McNulty.

    GET YA SHIT TOGETHER!!!

    • i know, this must have JUST happened. i’m just as embarrassed as i am after sex 🙁

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        Hey mang fuck embarrasment mang, that’s bullshit, you are the power behind the throne on here, you are too humble to wear the crown publicly but you are the real king, on FAILURES FOR BLOGS & here.
        My buddy scott wasn’t even embarrassed when this picture of him got out. Because he is my friend i ok’d this with him with the promise i would put up this bad ass pic. Me and scott, we always got your back mang.
        Your friend,
        CONAN

        • you’re too kind, Conan! next article will be better

        • Steve Smithwick

          I also have McNulty’s back, in tandem with Conan and Scott Fucking Hall.

  • DAMMIT YOUTUBE THIS IS ART NOT COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!!

    • dude, panic mode… should we remove the article?

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        NO! This is the toilet, where TURDS DWELL!

      • Nah dude. People need to read this. Besides, you have relevant download information for him.

      • Negrodamus

        McNulty this shit (the article, cause I’m at work, obvsly) is amazing. I’m gonna check this shit out.

      • Negrodamus

        Update: checking said shit out.

    • MURMAIDER MURMAIDER MURMAIDER MURMAIDER!!!!!!

      GL

      • Metaphysical Anus

        DAMMIT GEORGE!

    • okay, SoundCloud has it all:

      https://soundcloud.com/akerstache

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        Congrats on the article my friend, most strangely I have been talking up Akercocke on other boards all week and this band’s name is eerily similiar. This is a truly unique musical find.

        • It was one of your posts that led me down Akercocke road and I’m glad of it. Thanks, bud!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            great news, i am sure the lads will be happy when i tell them about the renewed interest in their work.

          • Johnny Crunch

            Same here.

        • giving Akercocke a shot.
          currently enjoying the video for Leviathan.

    • i don’t even know upon what was infringed. i suppose it was the covers. everything else was 100% original. he could have just taken the covers down

      • It really doesn’t even matter. YouTube can strip anything down for any reason AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

        • Xan

          True that. I had to remove my entire run of Dark Souls from YouTube because reasons.

          • A Feed From Cloud Mountain

            Must have been dem Quelaag titties.

            But seriously that is really dumb. I refuse to get a G+ page so I guess I should be thankful for the ability to view videos at all. I have a nagging feeling eventually features like favorites and playlists will be limited to fully integrated Google users.

            Or maybe that’s just me being paranoid. THANKS OBAMA!

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    TIME FOR YOUR IRISH WAKE JIMMY! GET ON THE POOL TABLE!

  • M Shadows!

    Mark Whalberg!

    • Negrodamus

      Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

      • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

        Marky Mark and the Funky Brunch.

        • M Shadows!

          You got dem good vibrations?!

  • actiondonkey

    Steel Panther’s set is awesome so far. They have about 20 naked chicks dancing on stage at Wacken

    http://concert.arte.tv/de/wacken-livestream-vom-310714

  • Tyree
    • Negrodamus

      Pretty great movie.

      • Tyree

        So good. It’s been a while since I’ve watched it.

        • Negrodamus

          I AM THE THIRD REVELATION!!!!!!

          • Tyree

            Hahahaha!!! It’s me favorite Tom Cruise role aside from him in Tropic Thunder.

          • W.

            I didn’t even realize that was him in Tropic Thunder for about half the movie.

          • Tyree

            Dude, me neither. Mind was blown.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      tom cruise is a psycho motherfucking religious freak but he is a hell of an actor. Maybe his insanity is what drives him.

  • W.

    I honestly thought this was all some big meta joke about Opeth slipping into non-metal territory until I got to the Soundcloud part.

    • Negrodamus

      Their newest album was a slice of proggy classic rock if I have ever heard it.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        I’m not trying to be a dick (yes I am), but trying to “rebel” against metal using retro prog rock like Mikael has said in interviews seems kind of like a half-assed sentiment. Just say you want to try and make an awesome 70’s prog record in 2014 dude, no one will hold it against you…except maybe Mike Patton (he is known for his disdain for retro music).

        • Negrodamus

          I agree, just cause a dude has made some metal doesn’t mean he should be constrained by that despite what the fans of said metal think. They should just do that shit! (like you just said, but in a better way).

          • Guppusmaximus

            Agreed. It just shouldn’t have been under the Opeth moniker. Akerfeldt would’ve sufficed as a project name. You’d think he learned a thing or two working with Steven Wilson…

          • Mother Shabubu III

            I also think Patton said something like “instead of having to cram all of my ideas into one band, I just make different projects”.

          • W.

            Patton is love. Patton is life.

          • Amen.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Spread your butt cheeks for Patton.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Well, that’s cause Patton is a fucking genius and he doesn’t need to go retro to prove it.

  • Gurp

    bruh what’s with all the removed vids? Dafuq, YouTube?

  • RustyShackleford

    Yep.

    • mmhmm

    • Mother Shabubu III

      I’ll tell you wuaht man, I brim da blad bo ber mer Akerstache der momang da rerer copyright claims ddsdsm fmsflsdds.

      • Hank Hill

        I see eye to eye with ya on that Boomhauer.

    • Hank Hill

      DAMMIT DALE

      • RustyShackleford

        DAMMIT HANK IT’S RUSTY SHACKLEFORD DONT BLOW MY COVER

        • I am legit thrilled that you and @disqus_vbOm0wsmIO:disqus are here. I wonder what Khan is up to.

          brb pouring one out for Luanne.

  • Ann Coulter’s Flaccid Penis

    I could get my dick wet to this.

  • Fart Johnson

    there you go giving a fuck when it ain’t your turn to give a fuck

  • Guppusmaximus

    And visions of Doogie Howser danced in their heads…

  • Gurp

    What band is the Ring of Cock (rock)?

  • Negrodamus

    Hey, where the heck is Cap’n Calamari?

    • W.

      I’ve been wondering the same thing for a minute now.

    • i told him about the toilet, i did!

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      he told me the time difference was fucking up his sleep patterns so badly he had to stop.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    This will need further examination, as it’s not what I typically listen to. However, listen to it I shall!

  • NefariousDude

    Torrenting this at the moment. Gonna get boozed up and mourn my dead cat. #wherediditallgowrong

  • Kenny Fuckin Powers

    Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everybody.

  • Met Mikael when I interviewed him. Very cool, laid back and nice guy…… however, the new CD feels like one build up without a crescendo. It’s like musical blueballs. They honestly should’ve put this and ‘Heritage’ out as a side project.
    How I rate the new CD:

  • Óðinn

    ~~~