Toilet ov Hell: Now with advertising for metalheads!
There is no itchier trigger finger than that of a mouse click, especially when that finger is attached to a dummy without the good sense to activate Adblock. With that in mind, we here at the Toilet Ov Hell emptied out our petty cash drawer in an attempt to find legitimate advertising for this here blog. Our available funds procured us a knowledgeable advertising guru with insight into the industry. This obnoxious dickhole advised us on the top business practices we could use to maximize a return on our investment. Read on and check out some of the prototypes that we’ve approved to be used on this site.
Item #1 – Useless Products That Stupid People Won’t Hesitate To Click On
According to our esteemed adviser, the false idea that you can make “x” amount of dollars per day is one of the most commonly used ad schemes to generate a fuckton of cash. Potential whales truly believe that the dollar amounts projected in the ads can be theirs and that a do-nothing with no prospects or skills could better themselves by dropping some capital in a shady investment. Once the whale is hooked, they are thrown into an infinite loop in which which they are chasing their never-to-be-seen income like a dog on a treadmill trying to get a hold of that scrumptious steak. So close, yet so far away. Market research told us that 4th quarter beard oil sales are through the roof and that the abundance of facial hair amongst metal bands and their fans was a ripe opportunity for us to get in the game. Our adviser even ran this particular ad through a focus group to determine its profitability. As you can see in the test ad below, it was retweeted 740 times out of the 1,000 people it was sent to. Cha-ching! That’s almost a 75% profit based on clicks alone. We’re told that there is more residual income to be had for people that are stupid enough to sign up and sell beard oil to nobody.
Mosh Bros are essential to the revenue stream, says our advisor. Aside from the alpha males, the rest aspire to be a real life Hugh Jackman that can windmill and spinkick their way into the heart of that lovely scene girl they’ve been eyeing from across the pit. Most of these guys are out of shape Dorito-crunchers that may crack open a Red Bull or two to get in the zone before a hardcore show. Getting in shape and looking tough is the missing trait they need to acquire in order to go full Mosh Bro. We’re not catering to the brightest guys in the room here so this ad has them believing they can get super tough if the subject in the picture is to be believed. Our advisor told us that if you just kindergarten scribble a circle around your ad subject and crayon the word “Swole” with an arrow pointing to the circle, you’ll get some serious click return. The product behind this ad is some snake oil supplement that says you’ll get your own personal set of Hulk Hogan muscles in just one month. “Results may vary” says the product’s website. That’s because you need to weight lift in conjunction with using this product and not sit on your couch watching reruns of Full House.
Basement dwelling shut in losers are a great source of clickbait income for any aspiring website. When not at work, they’re at home; super-glued to a computer and clicking on anything and everything in sight. We are talking about the loneliest human beings imaginable here so anything except human interaction is a perfect marketing opportunity to these people. The ad below is tricky since you initially have to go through iTunes to claim your prize but given the surplus amount of time these people have, our advisor anticipates that they’d move heaven and earth to claim the product being sold in this ad. These apparently are a thing.
Sex sells – that is an indisputable fact. If you want to dominate the clickbait game, slap some booty in your ad. Sheeple foam at the mouth for butt cheeks. Our adviser recommended that we hire a Brazilian Butt Lift model for this next ad but the cost was prohibitive so we looked internally for a solution. This product is for a fast acting butt healing cream and as luck would have it, one of our own staff members got butt wrecked a few months ago so we used the photos he took for the ad. We took the angle that this would piss off doctors because using the product would take money out of their pockets. To further entice would-be clickers, we tactfully censored the injury. This would force them to view the ad in order to survey the before and after photos.
Maintaining kvlt status is key in the blogging industry. You don’t want to alienate those folks that dabble in the dark arts. The ad below is designed for them. This one is an ad in the form of an article because it suckers the reader into believing that they are about the read something news worthy but instead they will be solicited to buy something. It’s hard work decorating your face like The Ultimate Warrior every day so this ad offers a viable alternative. The people who click on this one will be directed to a website that specializes in permanent face tattoos so they no longer have to doll themselves up on a regular basis.
Item #2 – Listy Business
Market research indicates that lists of whatever boring topic you want to number from one to whatever is a surefire way to get some dork to click on your stink pile. Fans of 4th rate suburban whiteboy cheesedick rap will be enthralled to know that Atilla frontman Chris Fronzak has a solo album coming out (release date – who cares). Expect to hear songs about growin’ up in da hood (Mr.Roger’s Neighborhood), drug abuse (Xtreme Mountain Dew consumption) and his false accounts of female conquests that never happened. Rumors are that a tour with 50 Tyson is in the works. If the Fronz is rolling through your town, be sure to check out his siqq tour bus and Capri Sun Cash Carry Case. For thieves that are looking to land a huge score, just check the Fronz tour dates and rob the doped up Justin Bieber carrying the Capri Sun backpack when he comes through to your town. Oh and about this list ad, the Fronz is perfect for any douchey list category you can dream up. Chances are he’ll wind up number one in just about any category. Our ad people listened to 10 seconds of one Attila song and promptly came up with this ad.
Item #3 – Internet Dating
Practically every website you visit nowadays has some form of dating ads in them. For this particular ad we decided to go the banner route since this style of ad is very common for dating sites. Due to limited funding, we had to outsource this ad and were limited in space and characters. The language barrier was also difficult to overcome so the wording here comes across as an escort service rather than a dating site. Despite its limitations, we feel that hopefully people will figure it once they are redirected to the host site.
Item #4 – Album Advertising
The way record companies are advertising bands on their roster is a trend that may change. Smearing your death metal logo across your new album cover with details about your new record could very well become a thing of the past if this next technique is to be used. Our ad adviser stressed that taking a “less is more” approach could prove to be beneficial. The test ad below was rejected by Metal Blade Records but our exec told us that they were considering it. This ad for Cattle Decapitation‘s new album can be planted just about anywhere, not just on metal sites. Imagine some mother of four coming across this as she finishes up reading what Kim Kardashian’s farts smell like this week on a popular gossip website. She was curious enough about that so some Cattle Decapitation shouldn’t seem out of the question. A great way to attract new fans by creating intrigue is what this ad is designed to do. As you can see, it tells you absolutely nothing but those of lesser intelligence are sure to want to find out what’s going on here.
So would you be interested in purchasing some beard oil, steroids, sexy pillows, butt cream or maybe get yourself a face tat? Perhaps you’re lonely and you’ll click on that
escort service dating site and meet the one you’ve been dreaming about. Would you even dare click on that list that features Ati… I can’t bear to type that name any further. Can you believe the news about Cattle Decapitation? Are you one of the poor saps who doesn’t have the brainpower or wherewithal to activate some sort of ad blocking software on your browser so you don’t have to look at this crap? Would you dare click on any of these poor ideas? Do you have any ad ideas of your own that we could steal and make our own? So many questions, so few answers.