Toilet ov Hell: Now with advertising for metalheads!

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There is no itchier trigger finger than that of a mouse click, especially when that finger is attached to a dummy without the good sense to activate Adblock. With that in mind, we here at the Toilet Ov Hell emptied out our petty cash drawer in an attempt to find legitimate advertising for this here blog. Our available funds procured us a knowledgeable advertising guru with insight into the industry. This obnoxious dickhole advised us on the top business practices we could use to maximize a return on our investment. Read on and check out some of the prototypes that we’ve approved to be used on this site.

 

Item #1 –  Useless Products That Stupid People Won’t Hesitate To Click On

According to our esteemed adviser, the false idea that you can make “x” amount of dollars per day is one of the most commonly used ad schemes to generate a fuckton of cash. Potential whales truly believe that the dollar amounts projected in the ads can be theirs and that a do-nothing with no prospects or skills could better themselves by dropping some capital in a shady investment. Once the whale is hooked, they are thrown into an infinite loop in which which they are chasing their never-to-be-seen income like a dog on a treadmill trying to get a hold of that scrumptious steak. So close, yet so far away. Market research told us that 4th quarter beard oil sales are through the roof and that the abundance of facial hair amongst metal bands and their fans was a ripe opportunity for us to get in the game. Our adviser even ran this particular ad through a focus group to determine its profitability. As you can see in the test ad below, it was retweeted 740 times out of the 1,000 people it was sent to. Cha-ching! That’s almost a 75% profit based on clicks alone. We’re told that there is more residual income to be had for people that are stupid enough to sign up and sell beard oil to nobody.

Black Crown InitiaBait

Mosh Bros are essential to the revenue stream, says our advisor. Aside from the alpha males, the rest aspire to be a real life Hugh Jackman that can windmill and spinkick their way into the heart of that lovely scene girl they’ve been eyeing from across the pit. Most of these guys are out of shape Dorito-crunchers that may crack open a Red Bull or two to get in the zone before a hardcore show. Getting in shape and looking tough is the missing trait they need to acquire in order to go full Mosh Bro. We’re not catering to the brightest guys in the room here so this ad has them believing they can get super tough if the subject in the picture is to be believed. Our advisor told us that if you just kindergarten scribble a circle around your ad subject and crayon the word “Swole” with an arrow pointing to the circle, you’ll get some serious click return. The product behind this ad is some snake oil supplement that says you’ll get your own personal set of Hulk Hogan muscles in just one month. “Results may vary” says the product’s website. That’s because you need to weight lift in conjunction with using this product and not sit on your couch watching reruns of Full House.

SwoleBait

Basement dwelling shut in losers are a great source of clickbait income for any aspiring website. When not at work, they’re at home; super-glued to a computer and clicking on anything and everything in sight. We are talking about the loneliest human beings imaginable here so anything except human interaction is a perfect marketing opportunity to these people. The ad below is tricky since you initially have to go through iTunes to claim your prize but given the surplus amount of time these people have, our advisor anticipates that they’d move heaven and earth to claim the product being sold in this ad. These apparently are a thing.

BabyBait

Sex sells – that is an indisputable fact. If you want to dominate the clickbait game, slap some booty in your ad. Sheeple foam at the mouth for butt cheeks. Our adviser recommended that we hire a Brazilian Butt Lift model for this next ad but the cost was prohibitive so we looked internally for a solution. This product is for a fast acting butt healing cream and as luck would have it, one of our own staff members got butt wrecked a few months ago so we used the photos he took for the ad. We took the angle that this would piss off doctors because using the product would take money out of their pockets. To further entice would-be clickers, we tactfully censored the injury. This would force them to view the ad in order to survey the before and after photos.GuacBait

Maintaining kvlt status is key in the blogging industry. You don’t want to alienate those folks that dabble in the dark arts. The ad below is designed for them. This one is an ad in the form of an article because it suckers the reader into believing that they are about the read something news worthy but instead they will be solicited to buy something. It’s hard work decorating your face like The Ultimate Warrior every day so this ad offers a viable alternative. The people who click on this one will be directed to a website that specializes in permanent face tattoos so they no longer have to doll themselves up on a regular basis.

AbbathBait

 

Item #2 – Listy Business

Market research indicates that lists of whatever boring topic you want to number from one to whatever is a surefire way to get some dork to click on your stink pile. Fans of 4th rate suburban whiteboy cheesedick rap will be enthralled to know that Atilla frontman Chris Fronzak has a solo album coming out (release date – who cares). Expect to hear songs about growin’ up in da hood (Mr.Roger’s Neighborhood), drug abuse (Xtreme Mountain Dew consumption) and his false accounts of female conquests that never happened. Rumors are that a tour with 50 Tyson is in the works. If the Fronz is rolling through your town, be sure to check out his siqq tour bus and Capri Sun Cash Carry Case. For thieves that are looking to land a huge score, just check the Fronz tour dates and rob the doped up Justin Bieber carrying the Capri Sun backpack when he comes through to your town. Oh and about this list ad, the Fronz is perfect for any douchey list category you can dream up. Chances are he’ll wind up number one in just about any category. Our ad people listened to 10 seconds of one Attila song and promptly came up with this ad.

fronzBait

Items 1 -10 on this list are expected to be Fronz and/or Attila.

 

Item #3 – Internet Dating

Practically every website you visit nowadays has some form of dating ads in them. For this particular ad we decided to go the banner route since this style of ad is very common for dating sites. Due to limited funding, we had to outsource this ad and were limited in space and characters. The language barrier was also difficult to overcome so the wording here comes across as an escort service rather than a dating site. Despite its limitations, we feel that hopefully people will figure it once they are redirected to the host site.

Flushbait

 

Item #4 – Album Advertising

The way record companies are advertising bands on their roster is a trend that may change. Smearing your death metal logo across your new album cover with details about your new record could very well become a thing of the past if this next technique is to be used. Our ad adviser stressed that taking a “less is more” approach could prove to be beneficial. The test ad below was rejected by Metal Blade Records but our exec told us that they were considering it. This ad for Cattle Decapitation‘s new album can be planted just about anywhere, not just on metal sites. Imagine some mother of four coming across this as she finishes up reading what Kim Kardashian’s farts smell like this week on a popular gossip website. She was curious enough about that so some Cattle Decapitation shouldn’t seem out of the question. A great way to attract new fans by creating intrigue is what this ad is designed to do. As you can see, it tells you absolutely nothing but those of lesser intelligence are sure to want to find out what’s going on here.

Cattle-DecapBait

Album release date pushed back six weeks due to vinyl issues.

So would you be interested in purchasing some beard oil, steroids, sexy pillows, butt cream or maybe get yourself a face tat? Perhaps you’re lonely and you’ll click on that escort service dating site and meet the one you’ve been dreaming about. Would you even dare click on that list that features Ati… I can’t bear to type that name any further. Can you believe the news about Cattle Decapitation? Are you one of the poor saps who doesn’t have the brainpower or wherewithal to activate some sort of ad blocking software on your browser so you don’t have to look at this crap? Would you dare click on any of these poor ideas? Do you have any ad ideas of your own that we could steal and make our own? So many questions, so few answers.

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  • Kevin Nash & Friends
  • tertius_decimus

    I am completely drunk. Just wanna tell ya that the life doesn’t always suck like I used to think. Stay behind the choices that you make, you’ll find what you seek.

    • Also, to hell with Russia. Amirite??

      GL

      • tertius_decimus

        No truer words were spoken!

        • The amount of dickery they are pulling over you guys (Ukraine) right now is unreal.

          GL

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Putin is a dickhead
            *hears a sound*
            OH SHIT, THE KGB IS AFTER ME

          • Putin: “WELL OUR COUNTRY IS 17.1 MILLION KM^2 AND WE REALLY NEED THAT EXTRA .250 MILLION KM^2, CUZ DICKERY”
            The World: “That literally makes no sense”
            Putin:” THANKS, WE THINK SO TOO.”

            GL

          • Dagon

            Meanwhile let’s prohibit homossexuality, after all, prohibition ALWAYS stops people from doing something I don’t like. *wink wink*

          • InfinityOfThoughts

            Yeah but that’s 17.1 million square kilometers with no warm water port! You can’t have a country that large without a damn warm water port!

            #sarcasm

    • yissssssss! glad to hear it! i take it the girl situation is going well?

      • tertius_decimus

        Thank you! Yes, this is the core of why I’m in good mood now.

    • Hope everything runs fine for you, my friend! A big pile of good vibes from here. Here’s a happy toilet for ya!

      • tertius_decimus

        Thanks, Venezuelan master!

  • Void Dweller
    • Tyree

      Well that was fucked.

    • The W.

      A classic.

    • sweetooth0

      I feel like perhaps LSD or some other hallucinogenic substance was partially responsible for that, and the world is a better place because of it.

      • Void Dweller

        That and a good knowledge of how to hack into a station frequency.

        • sweetooth0

          yup, need more people out there like em

  • So maybe I am not with it today, but is this serious?

    Regardless, the “ads” are hilarious. I fully support whatever is really happening.

    GL

    • The W.

      GL, there are sexy metal chicks just waiting to meet you.

      • KJM

        Click here for super fun sexy time number one!!!

      • tertius_decimus

        This comment is sponsored by Brazzers.com.

        • Tyree

          If you are at work. Click on the above link.

          • tertius_decimus

            It’s fucking 21:15 now where I live.

          • Tyree

            It would be a lot cooler if it was 2112.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZm1_jtY1SQ

          • KJM

            It will be on June 23rd.

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

            Alright, alright, alright!

          • NOW LADIES

            YEAHH

          • nbm02ss

            The bar I frequent has one of them new fangled internet jukeboxes thingamabobbers; I play this song if people start sucking with their music choices.

          • Those jukeboxes are trill, man. You can literally play ANYTHING

          • just don’t bother playing Cannibal Corpse or Nile… the bartenders have some kind of remote with a “skip” button for good music

          • The only one I know about is at our VFW. Those older dudes wouldn’t put up with that shit at ALL.

            GL

          • nbm02ss

            Fortunately I haven’t had to worry about that where I go. One of the bouncers likes to load up a shit ton of King Diamond when he’s working.

          • The W.

            The one at the blowing alley I visit from time to time has a function where you can pay more to interrupt a sequence of songs. I found this out when some old folks paid extra to interrupt the hour of metal we put on the box.

          • more beer

            With any luck they will all be dead before to long and unable to ruin your good time.

          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

            I used to play death metal at my local bar with no problem.

          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

            Yep! I played Punto Omega at my fave bar back home, which is almost unheard of here in America.

          • nbm02ss

            I am at work, but I’m on ToH on my phone. Huehuehuehuehue

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            I just clicked and discovered how to write songs as good as the most popular metal bands like Five Finger Death Punch! Amazing!

          • Tyree
      • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys
    • 100% serious. You gonna buy or what?

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

    I’ll buy anything ASSociated with Guac’s butt.

  • KJM

    Guacamole Butt Cream. I’m surprised that’s not a real product.

  • online advertising is all about the incent these days

    • not if you ask zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      GL

      • KJM
        • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

          people got a right to free speech–

          telling 1000s of internet sites —about the 10-10-01 smoking gun–is honorable

          to tell truth—to discuss—these are the ways of honorable men

          to just try to drown out discussion–without substance

          is failure—and a shill tactic–

          with no substance–

          911 truth movement grows all over the internet—as knowledge and comprehension of “10-10-01” becomes manifest

          as word spreads—an internet revolution occurs—destroying the Clintons election–and the entire world understands that the u.n. did 911—and evolution of consciousness occurs—ending all wars/tyranny—–in the greatest human event in history—as the “regular” people—-take power from the tyrants/past/pre internet
          victory of humankind–a war without violence—ultimate testimony to knowledge/communication

          • The W.

            I’m down with ending all wars, mate.

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            music–art–truth > Clintons/Rockefeller/

            time to reorganize the u.n.—with proper representation-checks and balances–of all powers

            911 truth movement—->the beginning of the ultimate world revolution—a victory without a war—-but the new found powers of the internet/human dialogue

          • Do you play any instruments?

            GL

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            your mom

          • Guacamole Jim

            LOST MY SHIT

          • KJM

            SIQQ BRRN M8

          • Guacamole Jim

            He needs some Guac cream for that SIHCK BERN M420

          • Wowwowowow!

          • KJM

            REKT

          • Tyree

            Mother, do you think they’ll try to break my balls?

          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

            I don’t care about nuclear war as long as I get some french fries.

  • That’s a paddlin’

    Wait… what?

    • would you like to buy a subscription to Revolver magazine?

      • That’s a paddlin’

        Why, yes of course.

      • E-Excuse me sir. We’re part of the Kerrang! Magazine organization. Want to buy a subscription? You can have a Black Veil Bride poster!

    • That’s a paddlin’

      Whatever it is, I think I like it.

  • old_man_doom

    Holy fuck, that cattle decap ad is great

  • ..

    • I made a Medadeth one for this but it did not make the final cut. This one is funny Link!

      • Glad you liked it! Hope that Mustaine have two new buyers of Super Collider *gulp*

  • I keep clicking the Harms Way dude but nothing is happening.

  • 10 reasons of why Black Merol pay$$$. The 3rd reason will blow your mind!!

  • J.R.

    Recommended article is relevant to my reactions to this article! Hoooooooly flush.

    Also, if you’re looking into making some sweet Toilet Coin, GET THOSE TSHIRTS PRINTED REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

    • The robot sez we’ll have the design ready around the 1st anniversary of the site!

      • Are you getting the TayTaySwift imitator to pose with the shirts????

        GL

        • I really, really, really want her to. Might not be able to afford it doe.

          • I feel like if we all pooled $$$ together to do anything it would be to send toilet paper to Link… and not waste it on a second class TayTaySwift :/

          • Correct. I will waste my salary on second class TayTaySwift when I ask her to marry me.

          • Hey! 😛

          • The W.

            We’ve conspired on this Link. We want you to be able to wipe the pupu.

          • I can wait my pupú. The sad part is that I have to clean my hands afterwards, jajajaja!!

          • KJM
          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys
          • tell her she can keep the shirt if she takes a picture in it. you think anybody on God’s green earth would turn down that offer?

          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

            Or we could give her an autographed and framed glossie of Guac’s battered buttcheeks. You know, to put above the fireplace or right behind the dinner table.

          • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

            And TayTay would very likely sue, given her whole streak of trademarking fucking near anything even slightly relating to her.

        • I’m hoping I can get at least the venezuelan drunk Tay Tay imitator to fly to the US so she can do the photo session. #FingersCrossed

        • J.R.

          What about Posers with Taylor shirts?

      • J.R.

        Fuck that’s the perfect way to celebrate.
        Fuck I have to wait (X) months

      • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

        Time to cash in my Good Boy Points!

  • Tyree

    Man with exploding face bananas. Click play to find out what normal behavior this is.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Vw0I-PhcA

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Serious lolz. Well done, Ron.

  • Guacamole Jim

    My ass is immortal. It will never die; rather, its beauty shall be forever preserved in internet form on the Toilet ov Hell.

  • INDUBITABEARD

    How much money did you guys make by me clicking on this very halpful articool

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      Tree fiddy.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Marry me.

        • Sir Tapir the Based

          Sorry mate, gay marriage becomes possible here in 2017.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Then get yer ass to Canada. It’s been legal here for ages.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Canada? CANADA? That’s like the Albania of North America!

          • Guacamole Jim

            It’s more like the Helsinki of Finland, but I’m just splitting hairs.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            If I come to Canada I will see that Guac Jim is actually about eight stories tall and a crustacean from the protozoic era.

          • Guacamole Jim

            How did you know I needed about tree fiddy?

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            I own a book called “The Truth About Those Damn Dirty Canadians.”

  • Tyree

    The 80’s were a strange time.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG3PnQ3tgzY

  • Oli Fucking Sykes, Son.

    Huh… suddenly it reeks of parody in here, oh if it isn’t the Toilet Ov Hell.
    And whats this… no shitty MetalSucks articles clogging up the toilet, progress.

  • Dagon

    This was awesome. An XXX version of this is in order, right? Fuck work!

    • Yes, all metal themed sex toys for the next one.

  • Dat ass.

  • Lacertilian

    Are we able to make those buttons a clickable link to this site?
    I have good intentions…of spamming, everywhere, all the time.

  • KJU’s Dancing Testicle Teethys

    Don’t forget that Atilla has their own cologne now (seriously), which probably smells like week old Four Loko, body odor and stale Hot Pockets that’ve been molding in mom’s basement.