Adventures in Crowdfunding

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Crowdfunding has opened up a brave new world of possibilities for bringing ideas to fruition. Everyone from inventors and entrepreneurs to bands and hungry guys alike now have the opportunity to solicit the public for funding, allowing them to take an active role in the development of projects that otherwise may not receive public attention. However, it can be difficult to predict which projects will succeed and which will fail. Protest The Hero received a huge amount of money to record a new album. Orgy and Motograter did not. While it seems there are no surefire ways of reaching your goal, there are surefire ways to get them noticed. Here are a few of those.

 

onemanmetal_700

One Man Metal Band’s First Offering

The Good: Escondido, CA resident wants to create a metal album for his two grandsons. Okay… not your typical ‘grandpa-wanted-you-to-have-this’ gift a kid would get on his 12th birthday, but it seems like his heart is in the right place somewhere underneath that Quiksilver shirt. A more traditional man might want to give his grandkids a precious watch, an old dirtbike or maybe even that guitar in the background, but perhaps this guy has the fiery soul of a classic 80s shredder, and can belt out a litany of killer old-school metal songs entirely on his own in a mere few weeks and create something awesome his grandchildren can boast about to other kids.

The Bad: Probably not, since it took this guy 29 (!) takes to create the rambling, 14-minute video you see on his kickstarter page. Also, nobody gave him any money. Maybe he should have filmed it in the kitchen?

The Lolbuttz: The $2,000 “reward of a lifetime” pledge: “You get to name the album, yes, that’s right, you get to name the album and put your mark on Rock!” While you will not, in fact, put your mark on Rock, you will be two thousand dollars poorer. But hey, you’d finally be able to name an album like that one you thought up in middle school: “Lord Cock Monster and the Fucking Fucker Saga of Assboob Mountain: Chapter One: Bob Sucks: Fuck Off Poopy Shit Balls Taint Face.” Leave THAT to your grandsons, dude.

 

eclectical_700

Eclectical

The Good: The music in the video sounds a lot like Dethklok. Also, looks like the guy knows his way around customizing & refinishing guitars, which seems like a pretty cool hobby. If the album thing doesn’t pan out he can always kickstart a luthier business next time. Except the guitars should be crazier, like one can be painted to look, feel, smell and act just like a liver as a tribute to all the livers metal has claimed, and one can be coated in healthy, healthy mercury. And then one can be hollowed out inside with a hole for your schlong that you can pee into during those long jam sessions where you JUST CAN’T STOP ROCKING THE FUCK OUT. Just don’t swing it around your shoulder while you’re going in there, cuz ouch and cuz pee on the floor.

The Bad: The music in the video sounds a lot like Dethklok. Ever been futzing around trying to come up with a songs that sounds like your favorite band, but you basically end up with a carbon-copy of the real thing? Then you try and pass it off to other people as your own stuff until someone notices the similarities and you have to cover and say “huh, oh wow I never noticed that, guess me and that brilliant super-famous musician must think a lot alike.” Sounds like that’s what’s happening here… oh wait yep he’s got a signature Brendon Small Epiphone model. That’s dildos. Plus, $300 for your album? That’s it? Aim higher, man. NOOO not while you’re… here, aim into this guitar if you need to, you’ll feel better.

The Lolbuttz: Manowar cosplay @ 1:12 in the video.

 

sinvicta _700

Kickstart The Metal!

The Good: For a guy who gained a following posting ‘let’s play’ videos to youtube, his music is pretty damn good for (what I assume is) a home studio production: good guitar tone, decent vocals, a straightforward hardcore/thrash aesthetic and a refreshing absence of djent/scene/nü/dub/10-string/vegantumblrcore or got-into-a-fight-with-my-pregnant-girlfriend lyric video awfulness. Throw him a few bucks if you’re so inclined. Here’s to you, Mr. Sinvicta.

The Bad: Holy fuck $9,000 for five songs? Are you Lucas Mann? Also the album title “Fracture the Faultline” is a Verb the Noun. Dude, it’s a fault line, it’s already fractured. That’s why it’s there. You know, with the earthquakes & shit? You should call it “Subduction” which is way fucking cooler. One tectonic plate being forced under another = so heavy. So literally heavy. Do you know how much a tectonic plate weighs? A moon. It weighs a whole fucking moon. Can you lift a moon? No you can’t so shut up.

The Lolbuttz: “At $11,000 raised, we will add a SIXTH TRACK to the album which will feature BJÖRN ‘SPEED’ STRID OF SOILWORK as guest vocals!!!” Can Björn lift a moon? No he can’t, although he could reach it way up there in Sweden but he still can’t be on the fucking album so shut up.

 

steelguardian_700

Steel Guardian

The Good: Kids seek to improve their music skills by practicing at their local rec center. Good for them, nothing wrong with that, right? They also appear to have access to functional time travel technology and have recruited a young Ozzy Osbourne into their ranks. They can look forward to being Ozzy’s high-voiced cocaine elves that he dispatches to fog-shrouded street corners of Northumberland to purchase his magic fairy nose dust, corners which are also probably crawling with Jack The Rippers and Voldemorts and Big Bens and whatnot (I’ve never been to the UK). Don’t forget, he can play the harmonica, too! Now Steel Guardian can get that funky fresh harmonica sound all the kids crave!

The Bad: Unfortunately for us, there’s no video. Also, the name “Steel Guardian” places them firmly in dragon-fucker territory. If they change it they may mercifully fade into obscurity as high school and college loom in the years ahead with their temptations of beer and teh boobies. If they stick with it, they risk living a life of disappointing under-21 gigs at local gaming shops holding Magic: The Gathering tournaments in the basement while the feedback of their starter amps squeal overhead, the omnipresent scent of body odor, feet and Doritos never quite fully airing out of the building, embedded between row upon row of Star Wars novels and limited edition Warhammer manga and whatnot (I’ve never been in a gaming shop).

The Lolbuttz: “Your pledges will allow us to purchase our own equipment and allow us to continue rehearsing.” ASK YOUR GODDAMNED PARENTS FOR THAT SHIT WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK I HAVE A KIA SORENTO TO PAY OFF

 

  • “Lord Cock Monster and the Fucking Fucker Saga of Assboob Mountain:
    Chapter One: Bob Sucks: Fuck Off Poopy Shit Balls Taint Face.”
    I have been slain.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      featuring the singles “Grandpa Don’t Touch Me There!”, “Grandma’s Clit Is Drier Than A Piece of Clit Jerky”, and “I Want To Fuck Young People, But the Young People Don’t Want to Fuck Me”.

      • *barf*

      • Ultimate Void Warrior

        This made me throw up in my mouth a little.

      • My friend and I record joke songs for fun. We’re about to start writing The Cumback III: Threesome. Some of the amazing titles we came up with are “Private Investigator Dig Bicks”, “The Wrath of King Smegma”, “Giant Gelatinous Penis Missiles”, “My Dad Breast Feeds Me”, “Urethra Extreme”, “Ass-Ball Connection”, “I Can Fit a Whole Backpack in My Ass…Your Move Atheists!”, and “David Goes Balls Deep in a Squealing Hog”.

        • Ultimate Void Warrior

          This made me throw up in my mouth a little more than the last time.

        • The Satan Ov Hell

          Bravo, BRAVO!

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Anal Cuntesque and then some.

        • Also, this may or may not be played about a hundred times in one of the songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2ZSyCuj3jQ

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Can I guest on a track? I record high quality toilet flushes

          • Yes plz.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Just lemme know what I can provide, I’ll make it happen

        • Mother Shabubu III

          I have one of those kind of bands going as well. It’s like complete jackassery meets a Tim and Eric bit. We call ourselves The Vince Shlomi Hooker Beating Experience. Unfortunately the name is kind of dated now since no one remembers the ShamWow guy.

          https://soundcloud.com/tvshbe/sets

          • Our sound is a parody of power metal (originally) but recently we’ve been doing whatever the fuck we want. Neither of us play instruments so we just find instrumentals and do karaoke to them essentially. On this album, we’ve got a rap, a reggae song, a polka song, and an a cappella song.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          haha! Ps I think GWAR still needs a good bassist/songwriter. You pretty much have written their next album..

    • SLAIN?? SOMEONE CALL THE SLAMBULANCE!

      GL

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    I’d name it FLUSHES HAXL POSENBURG DOWN THE SHIT STAINED TOILET OV HELL, CHAPTER 1: FAILURE FOR BLOGS

  • Miguel Serra

    this.is.reallife?

    I would found the last crowfunding just to go to the nerd store to shout: N E R D S!.. And then go away laughing like a maniac.

  • CO,

    You really nailed this article. I thoroughly enjoyed all the lolz found at every turn.

    GL

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Thanks bro!

  • IronLawnmower

    Oh kickstarter. You allow people who shouldn’t be given money to beg for money.

  • Tyree
  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    I got a good laugh out of this. Thank you 🙂

  • Tyree

    My band made 720 dollars from Kickstarter for our tour. I owe some of you guys some merch and a song.

    • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

      What’s your band called? I’d love to hear your work!

      • Elite Extremöphile

        king 810

      • VVorld Peace

        SCAB. You can find an article about them if you go just a little ways back.

        • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

          What kind of metal are they?

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Grindcore.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I love Grind! I get to see Cattle Decap in 3 weeks!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            STAY GRIME

          • #AMERICANFUCKINGMETAL !!!!!!!!!

            GL

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            OHHHHH. MY FAVORITE KIND

    • provide us a link, beautiful blonde Tyree

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Any potato salad?

  • VVorld Peace

    I want that URO club.

  • VVorld Peace

    Also, people paid that guy 55k for potato salad? This is why you all have soul-crushing debt!

    • Death

      But on the other hand they have potato salad

      • Elite Extremöphile

        they have a BITE of potato salad

        • Death

          It’s still potato salad mate

          • Elite Extremöphile

            But I don’t like potato salad.

          • Guacamole Jim

            WTF

          • Elite Extremöphile

            I JUST WANTED TO FLIP THE SCRIPT ON DEATH BUT HE FUCKING HATES IT TOO. FUCK.

          • Guacamole Jim

            FUCKING DEATH, ALWAYS FUCKING SHIT UP

            THAT ASSHAT SHOULD JUST DIE

          • Death

            I WAS BORN IN HATE

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Shame on you

          • Elite Extremöphile

            and a plague on my family.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I like the potato salad that has cheese and bacon. It’s almost like a baked potato. 🙂

          • Death

            Do you want to eat surströmming with me? I bet even you can’t like it.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            You probably don’t like The Clash or Judas Priest so my answer is no.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I’m not familiar with that dish

          • Herr Schmitty

            Please, describe to me this surely majestic Surstrommin!

          • Death

            Fermeted herring. Fucking horrible. You will vomit before even tasting it due to its smell. FUCKING SWEDES!

          • Herr Schmitty

            You would be surprised by the seafood I’d eat. I work in an insurance office that insures tons of fishermen/lobstermen, after all. The worst part? When a dude comes into the office, fresh off his boat, and makes the whole place reek of fish guts for 2 days.

          • Death

            Lipeäkala tastes like shit as well.

          • VVorld Peace

            I want to try Hákarl.

          • Scrimm

            I’ve had plenty of shark but not rotten shark.

          • VVorld Peace

            I want to prove I’m a real man by eating rotten shark.

          • I’ve heard the inside of your mouth can start to peel.

          • VVorld Peace

            Is that followed by a set of shark teeth growing?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            GAAAH

          • Scrimm

            That’s some dedication. It can’t smell any worse than opening a non working freezer that had been sitting in the sun for months and finding what was left of a squid someone put in there.

          • Keep your filthy hands off my truckboattruck!

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            I love cooked fish. Raw fish is disgusting unless it’s made like sushi.

          • KJM

            That’s life in the Land Of The Port.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            No doesn’t sound appealing. Is that why you were puking and pooping at the same time???

          • Death

            No, that was some other shit. There are videos of people trying surströmmin if you guys are interested.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I am quite interested. Sounds like the food in Europe can be shitty.

          • Death

            Have you ever eaten reindeer? That stuff is fucking delicious!

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            WHY DID YOU EAT RUDOLPH? THAT’S JUST MEAN.

          • Death

            Because it’s good.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            YOU’RE SO MEAN! 🙁

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Poor Rudolph 🙁

          • VVorld Peace

            Pls send some to Texas.

          • Death

            I would if I could

          • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

            seeings how reindeer is just caribou, I bet this is good.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Reindeer is just ablut as delicious as it gets

          • Scrimm

            I like herring.

          • Death

            But fermented herring?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I’m all for trying unique cultural foods, haven’t run across anything yet that truly terrified me, but surströmming looks like the torture porn of regional delicacies

          • Death

            I don’t either,

          • Elite Extremöphile

            God damn it.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            That was pretty optimistic of you. I guess Death does have a heart you guys

          • Death

            Death is tired. Death doesn’t even like potato salad.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            Curse you! You got me excited to think that you liked something! To think I loved you once.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            He enjoys Swans and Circle a lot.

          • Death

            That I do

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            You hate everything I love! You’re tearing me apart Death!

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            It’s hard to dislike either of them m8

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            He hates nu metal though. He’s probably a lifelover deep down though.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Two of my favorite bands are nu-metal. Slipknot and the Deftones.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            Same. Mine are Motograter and Factory 81. I also love Union Underground and Kilgore.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            WAIT THIS IS JJD

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            Yes it is. I’m now under a new name to celebrate the impending new year.

          • Death

            It’s gonna be 2015 soon and there are still humans on this planet. Everything sucks

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            No it doesn’t. I love this time of year because my friends are back from college, Christmas is going to be soon and I get to eat my favorite homemade cookies.

          • Death

            Winer is nice, but christmas couldn’t possibly suck more. Worst part of the year (birthdays are second)

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            I hate birthdays too because that means I’m one step closer to death. I love this holiday season though.

          • Death

            I don’t really care about the death part

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            That’s because you are Death!

          • Lacertilian

            I go out of my way to not say happy birthday to someone.
            In my mind, you have one birthday, the day you’re born.
            Every year after that is just another orbit around the sun.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            You had me all confused m8.

          • he’s not the only one who hates nu-metal

          • VVorld Peace

            I feel like that’s actually probably the norm here.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            You hate it too? Damnit Jimmy!

          • d00d i’m more impressed that someone your age likes it. many of us were surrounded by it in the 90’s when it was huge, and therefore despise it now.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I can’t despise it. It’s just so good. On the other hand I have a date on Friday. I’m excited for it because I’ll be seeing someone I like who is very pretty.

          • and thus marks the return of JJD!
            (pics or it didn’t happen) j/k… good for you m8! what you got planned? can i live vicariously through you?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I’ll make sure to tell you all about it. Since you asked we’re going to go get some frozen yogurt and see what happens from there. If you want to you can live vicariously through me. I hope I don’t mess this up like the last time I did something with her.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            It was worse than that. I pulled a Jeff Hardy which can be explained via this video. Basically, pulling a Jeff Hardy means bumbling in somewhere under the influence of substances and leaving as soon as you arrived. I did that once and I decided to clean up as soon as that happened.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V6ulxTRSDc

          • Death

            Death is always happy to disappoint.

          • Lacertilian

            Fuck potato salad.
            Cold potato is vile.

    • Tyree

      Bandcamp.

      • VVorld Peace

        Yes. POTATO SALAD AND BANDCAMP ARE WHY YOU PEOPLE HAVE SOUL-CRUSHING DEBT!

        • Herr Schmitty

          YOUR FISCAL POLICIES ARE WHY EVERYONE OUR AGE HAS SOUL-CRUSHING DEBT. IT IS YOUR FAULT, YOURS ALONE!

          (JK, Cheney definitely helped.)

          • VVorld Peace

            Hey man, those hammers really costed $50 a pop.

        • Tyree

          I JUST CAN”T STOP POTATO SALADING!

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      Less than tenner-a-piece and everyone was well fed (if they happened to be that guy begging for money)

    • Ultimate Void Warrior

      I want potato salad!

  • Guacamole Jim

    Cybernetic Organism is king of the internet. This was fucking glorious.

    • Just read that as Cybernetic Orgasm.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I can be two things.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Takk!

  • This is one of my favorite crowdfunding success stories. Just two bearded dudes wanted to make a death metal album about Dark Souls. https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/soulmass-despairing-fates

    • Oh, and the album slays, excellent Death Doom

      • I know what I’m listening to tomorrow. Dark Souls is awesome.

      • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

        Side note: FUCK INT SCURBS. Any -soulmass using scurb can GET REKT by me in arena.

        edit: this actually sounds pretty cool, nice find Two Rivers.

        • Dude I agree, ALL STR NO INT, CRUSH POSERS WITH STEEL. OR JUST A LARGE CLUB.

          • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

            My str/fire main has nearly 800hrs played. SL350/50+SM. But I have taken a hugeeee liking to my new alt that’s Dex/Fth, still on regular NG cycle if you’re interested in playing.

    • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

      A DM album about Dark Souls? PAH

      A BM album about Dark Souls? You have my 5 or 10 dollhairs.

  • I really enjoyed this article. I chortled heartily at all the different lolbuttz.

  • Steel Guardian suspended?!?! NOOOOOOO, they were almost there!
    2 backers
    £17.00 pledged of £5,000 goal

    • Ultimate Void Warrior

      THEY GOT SUSPENDED? I BET HO KOGAN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT. HE’S BEEN TRYING TO TAKE THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR FOR HIMSELF.

    • Stan Laurel

      Darn it. I’ve been saving all my money from my paper round to help the dudes out and now that I have £4,883, they’ve gone and suspended their campaign. Just my luck!

  • whoa, Kickstart the Metal has four hours to go right now! CO, were you trying to give him one last chance at glory??

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nah didn’t even realize that, the TOH queue’s been backed up for a while

  • Renan Ribeiro

    Hhahahah this is some of the funniest shit I’ve read around these parts. The toilet just gets better and better.

    Also, “dragon fucker territory” reminds me of an old blog post about a dude who gets stuck in a room with the 15-yr old son of a friend of his mom’s and dude starts talking about his art. He writes (and illustrates) tales of interracial homosexual dragon porn. Yes, that is a thing.

    • Ultimate Void Warrior

      Dear god, I’m scared.

      • Death

        If we’re talking about a reindeer god, I bet it would taste good.

        • Ultimate Void Warrior

          Stop being so mean to the reindeer! What did they do to deserve to be turned into food?

          • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS
          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            They didn’t deserve to be turned into food though!

          • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS
          • Kickstarter blog? Check. Random image of swelled Jesus? Check. Full circle:

            http://youtu.be/wS1jpgiKJUU

          • Death

            They decided to taste good.

          • Guacamole Jim

            They exist, therefore they are food. Law of the jungle.

          • Death

            You exist as well…
            Hey Jim, could you go inside this oven, I think I dropped something there?

          • Guacamole Jim

            Oh sure thing Death, no prob– hey wtf man? What’r–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

          • can it catch a frisbee? nope, then it’s food.

          • Death

            Well, time to eat that neighbour kid.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Turned delicious?

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Reindeer meat >>>>>>>>>>

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            In-goddamn-deed.

    • CyberneticOrganism
    • HessianHunter

      As in different races of dragons? Like frost dragon and fire dragon?

      • HessianHunter

        I’m really hoping it was that and that the dragons weren’t weird racial characters, like there’s a “black dragon” with a gold chain and a “mexican dragon” with a mustache and sombrero or some shit.

      • Renan Ribeiro

        That’s exactly it.

  • Stockhausen

    “Dude, it’s a fault line, it’s already fractured. That’s why it’s there.”

    Many laughters, much as funny.

  • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

    While I’m still banned, I would hope that in trve Coal Rolling League All Star fashion, someone can plz do something about this:
    http://www.npr.org/blogs/allsongs/2014/12/17/371233761/poll-results-listeners-pick-their-favorite-albums-of-2014

    • Wait, you got banned that day??? stellar lol

      I check NPR everyday for a JimGordan sighting. Alas, I have come up empty handed for the last two weeks.

      GL

      • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

        I’m not the only one who was banned that day. I know Space Ghost Gvrppp was banned. Maybe Jack or McNulty, too?

        • i’m on the page right now and i have no option to comment or reply to anything.

          • BLVKKBEVRD THE EPONYMOVS

            needless to say: FVKK JIM GORDON.

          • NPR has taken its boringness and amplified it by >>>>>>>>>

  • HessianHunter

    The part about plate tectonics and moons just killed me.

  • J.R.

    That Steel Guardian bloke raising the Shocker.
    rock on child