A Very Special BDubs Bro Christmas

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*iPhone alarm playing Steel Panther goes off at 2:45 PM*

*rolls out of bed still wearing Santa basketball shorts*

*changes into formal, afternoon basketball shorts*

*texts daily coal roll meme to dad*

*snacks on cold half-eaten Burger King thing on dresser*

*stretches leg of basketball shorts to face to wipe mouth*

*checks self out in mirror*

broilookrippedbro

HA HA GODDAMN I’M BEEFY, BRO! PURE MUSCLE MASS!

*makes duck face at self in mirror, adjusts junk*

*considers blasting porn to wake up roommates*

*makes mental note to blast porn to roommates later*

*heads downstairs*

*surveys remains of last night’s party*

broitsapartybro

WHAT A FUCKIN’ PARTY, BRO!

*adds empty can to Bud Light tree*

*slams warm Monster Energy from moldy cooler*

*realizes it’s past Noon*

*slams warm Corona from aforementioned cooler*

HA HA GROSS BRO THIS SHIT SUCKS!

*walks to fridge, slams slightly less warm Corona*

CAFFEINE AND BEER IS THE ULTIMATE ENERGY MIX, BRAH! WOOOO!

brocoronabro

*is now ready to start the day*

*considers doing keg stand on own*

*makes mental note to request keg stand assistance later*

*checks Sportscenter, blasts Volbeat from crappy phone speaker*

*commends self for trying some non-American music, adjusts junk*

*has sudden craving for cheap buffalo wings*

HEY BROS I’M HEADING TO BDUBS TO TRY THOSE NEW MOUNTAIN DEW WINGS, BRO! SEE YOU FUCKIN’ TURDS LATER!

*opens garage, looks outside*

browhatsallthisbro

HOLY SHIT BRO HA HA WHO FUCKIN’ CARES I NEED ME SOME BDUBS! BROLO!

*hops in F-150 with LED trucknutz*

*spins tires immediately and fishtails dangerously down neighborhood streets*

*clips several parked cars*

*blasts awful Corey Taylor song*

HELL YEAH LET’S GET DRUNK AT CHRISTMAS BRO!

*pulls up to Buffalo Wild Wings*

*ignores snowed-over parking lines, somehow parks across eight spaces*

*rolls down window to shout at family walking back to car*

WOOOOOO!!! GET SOME, BRO!

*adjusts junk while walking through parking lot*

*walks into womb-like warming glow of Buffalo Wild Wings*

broimherebro

*pushes past hostess, sits beneath largest TV screen*

*orders all manner of shitty food*

*slams Bud Light*

*slams another Bud Light*

*slams several fireball shots and a long island iced tea because why the fuck not*

WOOO! HELL YEAH BRO!

*devours shitty food with ravenous drunken abandon*

brothisshitistastybro

*throws assorted sweaty $20 bills on table before bill arrives*

*makes offhand comment about waitresses’ cleavage to nearby patron*

GO TAP THAT SHIT MY BRO HA HA YEAH, I’M GONNA!

*isn’t gonna*

*walks back to truck, notices worsening weather*

broitsablizzardbro

GODDAMN BRO WHAT THE FUCK HA HA GOOD THING MY TRUCK IS A FUCKIN’ BEAST! I’M GONNA COAL ROLL THE SNOW AWAY!

*attempts to peel out of snowy parking lot, hits several other cars*

*eventually makes way onto empty snow-covered roads*

*is drunk, becomes lost in poorly-paved forested area*

*lodges truck tires in snow drift*

broimstuckbro

AWW FUCK BRO!

*wastes remaining gas by spinning tires for seventeen minutes*

*opens glove box, slams emergency beer*

*begins walking back to main road*

*feels dropping temperatures, realizes poor choice of attire in basketball shorts*

HA HA MY NUTS ARE FREEZING, BRO! I’M ALL LIKE BRRR & SHIT!

*adjusts freezing junk*

brothisiscrazysnowbro

*trudges into woods through worsening snowfall*

*loses direction completely*

*remembers mental note for a keg stand later*

HA HA OH YEAH SWEET BRAH!

*can’t feel extremities, becomes disoriented*

*hypothermia begins to set in*

broitsgettingdarkbro1

*slams final ultra emergency beer stashed in limited edition Cabo Wabo North Face jacket*

*pees initials in snow*

Hhh… h-Ha ha, bRo… HA Ha

*drifts off into hypothermia-induced sleep*

I mm- I maY n-noT EVen gEt My ch-chRIStmAs b-beej, bro… th… that f-fuCKin’ suc-sucks, b-b-brrrooo…

*sun sets, blizzard continues to rage*

broitsgettingdarkbro2

broitsgettingdarkbro3

broitsgettingdarkbro4

black

black

broitsmorningbro

broimfrozenbro

MERRY CHRISTMAS BDUBS BRO!

_ _ _ _ _

(images via via via via via via via via via via via via via)

 

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  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Bro.

  • Dubs

    Bro *slaps bag of eggnog*

  • Bro

  • ┼yree
    • Scrimm

      That is badass.

      • Dubs

        His face is really heavy

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Working on that Corpsegrinder neck.

          • Abe-y Metal

            I thought that was the bearded guy from FFDP in that pic. You know, the one who named himself after the genie in ‘Big’.

    • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

      Of course its shitty beer

      • Abe-y Metal

        What’d you expect from a Bengals fan? #Cincinnatiblows

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • tigeraid

    ………..Poetry.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Bruh.

  • Guppusmaximus

    *hops in F-150 with LED trucknutz*

    *spins tires immediately and fishtails dangerously down neighborhood streets*

    *clips several parked cars*

    http://t1.livememe.com/laq0vl_4.jpg

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Dude, bro: shit’s epic bro. Sweet BDubz Christmas tale, bro.

  • BRO

    • CyberneticOrganism

      DUDE, “BRO” SPELLED BACKWARDS IS STILL “BRO”

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Let’s all tell the story of the son of Broseph of Nazareth.

  • Abe-y Metal

    Merry Christmas, everyone! Hopefully Steel Panther slides down your chimney while you’re asleep!

    http://loudwire.com/files/2014/12/steel-panther-2014-billboard-press-650.jpg?w=600&h=0&zc=1&s=0&a=t&q=89

    • ┼yree

      NO.

    • I’d rather chew my own dick off.

      • Abe-y Metal

        http://i.imgur.com/VLK3b.gif

        Can we watch, and how much is the admission price? And is fapping allowed?

      • If you freeze it first it wont hurt as much. Just some friendly advice.

        • ┼yree
          • Abe-y Metal

            HOLY FUUUUUUUUCK, that movie was vicious as hell! Saw it a couple years ago with one of my best friends, and I swear that that scene with the cat getting eaten by the mice wasn’t fake. Especially since animal protection clauses weren’t mandated in films around the time it was made. Same with Touki Bouki.

          • I now know enough to know this is not a movie about which I would say I want to watch this movie.

          • ┼yree

            It’s good on Christmas day for the whole family to watch.

          • mhm

          • Abe-y Metal

            After some Philosophy Of A Knife, Bad Boy Bubby, and Human Centipede 2 of course. And later in the night, the whole family gets together Human Centipede style and dances around the Christmas tree. That’s how we do it around here!

          • Abe-y Metal

            Yeah, it has a plot, but it’s more of a torture pic than anything. Plot flies out the window after about 10-15 minutes.

          • Waynecro

            Human Centipede 2 is an utterly disturbing movie. Human Centipede 3…I don’t even… WHY DO I KEEP WATCHING THESE FILMS?!?!?!

          • For science.

          • Waynecro

            Further proof that science is evil.

          • Abe-y Metal

            Because they’re the ultimate date movies?

          • Waynecro

            But I’m always alone when I watch them. ALWAYS ALONE!!!

          • Abe-y Metal

            On the top bunk.

          • Waynecro

            These movies are not top-bunk material.

          • Abe-y Metal

            *zips pants back up, jumps down, and grabs a Yoohoo*

          • Waynecro

            Add salt to your Yoo-hoo for electrolyte replenishment.

          • Abe-y Metal

            Salt’s bad for your health. I’ll just stick with adding the usual krokodil and bleach in there.

          • Waynecro

            That makes perfect sense.

      • Maik Beninton™

        It won’t suck itself you know.

        • Abe-y Metal

          Which, in fact, is another Steel Panther song!

          • I wish I could say that surprises me. I cannot.

    • I fixed it

    • hold on a second… are these the same guys who sing hair merol songs about sex? they can’t be, with those goofy, family-friendly sweaters on!!

  • Abe-y Metal
  • Vault Dweller

    …dude.

  • EsusMoose

    As someone who is going to try those mountain dew wings later, I can relate to bdubs bro. I might need to to get my formal basketball shorts and prepare for bowel evacuation.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Live the bro dream, bro

      • EsusMoose

        Bro I might just order a natty light or corona just to feel like a utter pile of shit, bro

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Don’t forget to scream WOOO after you finish each drink

          • EsusMoose

            I will and I’ll make sure to slam them while making comments about the waiter person.

  • Hahaa fucking gold…bro

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    NOW GORAK SAD CUZ NO X-MAS IN GORAKS FIRE WORSHIPPING RELIGION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • The lord of light will reward you in other ways.

    • How else do you commemorate the change in season where your caveperson friends start dying in the snow?

      • ME GORAK B.C.™

        WARMTH OV FIRE PROTECT CAVEBROS FROM COLD OV SNOW!!!!! ALL HAIL MIGHTY FLAME!!!!!!!

    • Abe-y Metal

      I thought you worshipped Crom, who lives in the earth.

  • Waynecro

    This made my day. Hilarious, bro!

  • Stockhausen

    Bro *slams Natty Light in solidarity*

    • Maik Beninton™

      BRO… *slams water :P*

  • Waynecro

    Friday night, I drank a Diet Mountain Dew while playing Call of Duty: Black Ops III. While drinking the CoD-branded beverage, I scored in the top three in all my matches. Lost hard when I switched to Coke Zero. What manner of sorcery is this?

    • It’s not a coincidence, bro. Grab a bag of nacho “cheese” doritos and you’ll be at the top of the global leaderboards in no time.

      • Waynecro

        Dude, I love “cheese.”

    • Ah that reminds me, i need to buy a bunch of mountain dew for when im at work on christmas since teh stores will not be open when im at work on christmas and therefore I will not be able to buy mountain dew for when im at work on christmas and then I will be at work on christmas with no mountain dew since I didn’t buy any for when I had to work on christmas so now im gonna go buy mountain dew so I have some to drink for when im at work on christmas.

      • Did you let JJD use your account again?

      • Pretty much this but replace “work” with “home” and “mountain dew” with “whiskey”.

        • Waynecro

          I miss whiskey. Especially holiday whiskey.

          • i miss erryday whiskey

          • Waynecro

            I feel its absence most in the mornings.

        • Lacertilian

          After dropping hints for the last 5 years I’m expecting to be gifted with some Islay single malts from family. If they fail me again I’m going to personally fund an advertising campaign for these gift givers who think it’s difficult to shop for people/lizards like me.
          Whisky – the real gift.

      • Waynecro

        RIP, Waynecro. You were a fine editor until the moment you read Jack Bauer’s comment about buying Mountain Dew to drink at work on Christmas. Then your head exploded all over the wall.

      • EsusMoose

        I gave up

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        Should I worry that this comment made perfect sense to me?

        • It’s probbaly a cause for concern maybe perhaps. This is nothing though. wait till you s ee the next article’s threads

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            I’ve been busy so I’m just browsing what I’ve missed.

    • Bro, you need G-Fuel bro.

      • Waynecro

        ANABOLIC PUNCH TEST BOOSTER ROCKET SHOCK HARD CORE PRO ELITE OR NOTHING, BRUH!!!

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Should’ve stuck with the Dew.

      • Waynecro

        Curse my desire for variety!

  • COAL ROLL

    This is a masterpiece bro well done

    • EsusMoose

      bro

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *rolls coal*

  • So much bro in this post.

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Very dubs, much bro. WOW.

  • I needed this in my life like I need Mountain Dew wings in my body.

    • Guppusmaximus

      Yea, just the thought made me vomit a little in my mouth.

  • BLACKBEARD UNFILTERED

    Bdubs bro would be proud: im going to postpone tonights workout til tomorrow. Its leg and shoulder day

  • Dagon

    Damn BRRO check out this sweet wave on my ECG BRO

    http://www.ems12lead.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/42/2011/02/osborne_waves1.jpg

    >Dies peacefully

    • siqq QRS, bro

      • Dagon

        I know, bro

        my shit is all wavy
        like all those
        waves

        bro

        hold me

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    An epic for the ages!

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    Should’ve been eaten by a Wendigo.

  • Phoenix of the House Tendies

    Simon says “Bro.”

  • Love the idea of some fucktard running out of gas while spinning his wheels in the snow…

    • CyberneticOrganism

      ANY SECOND NOW IT’LL CATCH, BRO

  • Eliza

    Can I use this as wallpaper?