A Toilet Radio Choose-Your-Own-Adventure!

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It’s a Toilet Radio extravaganza! Joe, Breno, and 365 each wrote our own heavy metal choose your own adventures. Remember those sick-as-fuck books you read as a kid that let you forge your own path through a thrilling adventure? We’re doing our best to pay homage with three different metal quests that let you choose your destiny. Come along as we branch through the winding options of each wild tale. Will Joe choose to eat a chicken tendie instead of meeting his metal heroes? Will Breno trick us into accepting his mystical, golden scepter? Will 365 get shot in the face by a well-known metal musician? If you don’t like this episode, our show will never, ever be your jam cuz, FOLKS, it’s a good one.
Music featured on this show:
Mammoth Grinder – “Superior Firepower” from Cosmic Crypt (Facebook)(Bandcamp)
Genocide Pact – “Desecration” from Forged Through Domination (Facebook)(Bandcamp)

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  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I used to love the Choose Your Own Adventure books! The Goosebumps ones were also very good.

    • GrumpDumpus

      DID YOU HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO DO IT THE RIGHT WAY THOUGH

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        No

        • GrumpDumpus

          ME NEITHER

  • oh my fucking god, I accidentally deleted the intro to the first tale 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

    • pull it outta da recycle bin

      • it don’t work that way, I’m afraid

        • Dubby Fresh

          Tyre pressing “ctrl z”

          • GrumpDumpus

            I TRIED BUT PRESSED ‘KATORZ’ INSTEAD AND NOW I’M IN A DISTURBING ALIEN LOUNGE

    • GoatForest
    • Joaquin Stick

      It makes for a real interesting transition. Ninja Turtles to sharts.

  • Howard Dean

    99% of the time, I would choose chicken tendies over meeting metal musicians every time.

    • i’m curious why that is, HD. i’ve met most of the metal musicians whom i’ve seen live*, and like 9 out of 10 people are sooooooo nice and friendly

      *in small venues, that is.

      • GoatForest

        I’ve met the guys from Goatwhore, Jimmy Bower, and Karl Sanders. Those guys were all awesome. I can see how some guys should be avoided, though. I’m looking at you, Kvarforth and Mustaine.

      • GrumpDumpus

        KARL FROM BOLT THROWER IS SUPER COOL AS IS ROSS DOLAN WHO TALKED ABOUT HOW BADLY HE NEEDED AN HERBAL ESSENCES SPONSORSHIP AND PROSCRIPTOR IS SUPER WEIRD IN A REAL COOL AND STRANGELY RELAXED WAY

      • GrumpDumpus

        ERIK DANIELSSON IS A HUGE TINY DOUCHE AND SO IS KK WARSLUT WHICH COMES AS A HUGE TINY SURPRISE TO US ALL

      • Dubby Fresh

        HD loves food, man.

        • Howard Dean

          Yeah, my love for food and drink far outweighs my feelings for metal.

          Plus I’ve never had a strong desire to meet musicians. I have very little affinity for celebrity (or pseudo-celebrity).

          • Dubby Fresh

            You probably know this about me, but I genuinely think metal’s hero-worship is damn weird.

      • Howard Dean

        Because tendies.

      • Lord of Bork

        Let me preface this by saying I love Revocation. But I met them back on the Chaos of Forms tour and Dave and Dan were two of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met.

        • fun coincidence: i saw Revocation last week and after the show talked to Dave, who is not one of the nice and friendly folks about whom i spoke. our data matches up very well. i’ve talked to him in the past as well and he’s not a very cheery or talkative person. maybe he’s just not as extroverted as we are ?

          • Hmm…not being talkative/being an introvert doesn’t usually give off “biggest assholes somebody ever met” vibes. I’m curious Bork, what happened?

          • Lord of Bork

            My friend and I had won a raffle to meet the band when we preordered their album. We understood that it was at the end of their tour, so they were probably exhausted and wanting to go home. Our plan was to talk to them for like 5-10 minutes and then go back and watch the other bands play.

            We met up with the guys and went back to the green room with them, they offered us each a beer, and we just started trying to shoot the shit. Within about ten seconds Dave and Dan started talking about us as if we weren’t there, saying how irritating it was that these guys wouldn’t take the hint and leave.

            I’m not saying they had to pretend to be excited to see two random dudes they’d never met, but you can at least not actively offend guys who paid to see the show and bought copies of their albums.

            That said, their bassist at the time whose name I can never remember and their old drummer Phil were both super nice guys who were happy to talk about metal and other random shit.

          • agreed, Phil was super cool when i met him. love that dude and his drumming

          • I guess they think being classically trained gives them an excuse for being insufferable dingi (plural for dingus). That sounds relbid.

          • Howard Dean

            Wow, that’s a total prick move. If you’re a band and are going to sell or raffle shit like that (even though you apparently hate doing it and probably shouldn’t), at least bite your lip and be cordial about it. It’s like 20 minutes max with people who are your fans and super excited to meet you. Try not to act like you are the fucking messiah and they are unworthy to sit in the same room as you while you drink your fucking PBRs. Derp.

            I’m not an overly confrontational person, but shit like that always torques me up. 100% would’ve told them to fuck off and get over themselves. That’s some Axl Rose caliber bullshit right there, pulled off by a bunch of barely famous dudes who almost no one in the regular world gives a shit about. Wow, you’re the guitarist for Revocation?! Wow, so like 700 people in the world give a shit about you!! You’re almost as famous as the backup quarterback on a high school football team in Texas!

          • Lord of Bork

            Right? At least have some basic decency for people who not only know who you are, but are actively interested in the music you make for a living.

    • Brutalist_Receptacle

      Applebee’s: Enjoy your kid’s meal in a smoke and metal free setting™
      Free queso and crayons!

      • Howard Dean

        People who volitionally go to chain restaurants like Applebee’s (ironically or non-ironically) are dumb. Those restaurants fucking suck.

  • LEAVE BAMBI’S MOM ALONE FFS YOU MONSTERS