A Taxonomy of Music Snobs

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Music snobs. We all know ’em; we all hate ’em. There are few things more annoying than talking about a band that you love, only to have a musical snob sneer and turn up their nose at your every word, until finally they can edge their way into the conversation to talk about how the music you love is significantly inferior to the music they love. Condescension is the name of the game, and musical snobs have spent years perfecting it. Join me, friends, as we analyze some of the most pervasive of music snobs and how to deal with them in the wild.

  1. The Classical Snob

The Classical Snob is a common breed of Old Person, but also comes in Undergrad University Student form (probably a nerd with long hair who secretly loves power metal and learned all Paganini‘s works on the piano). Typically dressed in nice clothes, the classical snob won’t listen to a word you have to say about music unless you’ve jerked it to a picture of Haydn and finished on a violin.

david-robertson-c-sari_goodfriend

“Violins were MADE to be jizzed on!”

 

Classical snobs enjoy pretending to be British, going to recitals, and sitting down for long periods of time without moving a muscle. Typically they detest all forms of loud music, all music with saxophones, all music requiring some form of electronic amplification (excepting, of course, classical music that’s been recorded for AM radio) — in short, they detest all forms of music written by anyone who hasn’t jerked it to a picture of Haydn and finished on a violin.

Dealing with classical snobs in the wild is simple: pull out your saxophone and play “Giant Steps” at them as loudly as possible. This will enrage the Classical Snob, though they won’t show it; rather, they’ll wrinkle their snobby noses at you and ask you to “please keep it down; this is a library.” Ignore their condescending politeness. Heeding their request will only encourage them to look down on you.


 

  1. The Jazz Snob

The Jazz Snob is something of a new arrival onto the scene, appearing with the advent of Hipster culture. Usually Jazz Snobs are young 20-somethings, obsessed with vinyl, things older than they are, scarves, and pretending to be totally into stuff they secretly hate.

4363670-hipster

This photograph was totally spontaneous.

 

The Jazz Snob can be found at college, typically studying music or some other liberal art. They enjoy listening to both old and new jazz, and consistently refer to it as “heavy.” While more animated than Classical Snobs when listening to music, Jazz Snobs tend to remain mostly silent save for polite clapping after a 13-minute improvised saxophone solo. Unless the music you love has 10 seconds of written melody and 20 minutes of improvisation, it’s not worth their time. Heavy metal, of course, is vastly inferior to Jazz, since metal musicians, with all their practicing and trying to get better, will never equal the raw “heaviness” of improvised jazz music. Improvisation is the only thing that has mattered, does matter, or will matter. You write out your entire song? Filthy plebeian.

It’s not hard to get rid of a wild Jazz Snob: bombard them with classical music. The lack of improvisation will either cause them to shrivel up and die, or to go wild with rage and kill babies. Win-win.

PROTIP: Jazz Snobs and Classical Snobs are natural enemies. In the event you are acquainted with both kinds of snob, arrange for them to meet, or better yet, to play music together.


 

  1. The Black Metal Snob

A true connoisseur of all things bleak, the Black Metal Snob patrols the highways and byways of the internet looking for online fights with those who would dare profane the sacred name of [insert unreadable band logo here]. Black Metal Snobs come in two sizes: scrawny nerd and pudgy neckbeard. Armed with the emotional stability of a 12-year-old discovering breasts for the first time, Black Metal Snobs vehemently fight the good (evil?) fight, defending the artistic merits of poorly recorded demos.

metallll

“No no, you don’t understand. It’s way grimmer when I play in a forest. Imagine me in a forest.”

 

Although Black Metal Snobs primarily spend their time trolling online forums and getting their rage on, they can also be found at local metal shows, not enjoying themselves (and, on rare occasions, in wooded glens recording demos; typically this happens in Norway). Their primary mode of existence is a combined mess of insecurity, misplaced anger, corpse paint, and SATAN. While they pose no real threat, their constant self-righteousness induces headaches even in the most patient of internet commenters. If you encounter one in real life, be wary of potential spike-related injury.

The Black Metal Snob is not to be engaged, if at all possible. Nothing you can say about how you were joking, or how you like some black metal too, or how we should all get along, will pacify their blind fury. You are nothing to them, you insignificant poser, and they will follow your every online move for days making sure you know that. The most effective way of dealing with Black Metal Snobs is to introduce them to another Black Metal Snob, at which point one of two things will occur: they will become fast friends and satisfy each other’s deep-rooted desire for affirmation, or they will attempt to outdo each other’s snobbery, culminating in both parties’ spontaneous combustion (probably orchestrated by Satan to finally give them the metal cred they deserve).


 

  1. The Indie Snob

Indie Snobs are a special breed of musical elitist. The Indie snob can be any one of the other Snobs listed, and yet exists in a plane above and beyond such worldly pursuits. Indie Snobs don’t actually enjoy music; they enjoy the thrill of cleverness that comes when you know about something before someone else does. They’ve made it their lives’ work. If you happen to discover an artist largely unknown, the Indie Snob will immediately enter the conversation, informing everyone they discovered this band years ago and their first unreleased demo (which the Indie Snob picked out of their garbage late at night) was significantly better than anything they’ve produced since.

649799_75358905

This guy isn’t actually an Indie Snob, but you can bet an Indie Snob bought that demo in his case and will tell you all about how it’s not as good as his practice sessions when he was five.

 

As Indie Snobs are not bound by genre, they cannot be avoided. From orchestral to metal to Mongolian throat singing, Indie Snobs are the Indigenous People to your British Empire: they got there first. You will never be original, or first, or cool, or loved. All your discoveries will be overshadowed by Indie Snobs reminding you you’re not the first person to tread that ground. They may be lying, but how could you prove it? You can’t. And you have to live with that sour taste in your mouth.

The simplest way of dealing with an Indie Snob is to make up band names, casually mention them, and wait for the Indie Snob to swagger in, full of knowledge about a band that doesn’t exist. At this point you’ve got them in your crosshairs; pull the trigger when you like and watch them implode. Alternately, you could steal their delay pedal, the source of their Indie power.


 

  1. The “I Listen to Everything” Snob (this isn’t me, though)

The “I Listen to Everything” Snob (or ILTE Snobs) is a particularly infuriating musical elitist, and I’m totally not one. Often found on internet forums, ILTE Snobs actively seek out online arguments (often instigated by the snobs found above) and, ignoring everything that’s been discussed, proclaim their superiority over everyone else by posting a self-righteous comment about their own broad, varied music tastes, and how everyone else fighting should just relax (eg. “If you don’t like it, why’d you come here?” “We should all just listen to music we love and not fight about it” “I’m totally stroking myself as I type because I’m so laid back and cool with everything”). These Snobs will then often talk about the music they listen to, providing a detailed list of both obscure and very popular music, in a pathetic attempt to appeal to both sides of any argument and receive validation in the form of upvotes from other ILTE Snobs. I have never done this.

10157169_1594231937476840_6798860325427325106_n

This isn’t me. It’s some Snob, being non-aggressive.

 

While ILTE Snobs probably do listen to everything they claim to, chances are they don’t really like it but need to legitimize their condescending comments. I, on the other hand, love everything I claim to listen to (including, but not limited to: Charli XCX, Jute Gyte, Charles Mingus, Chopin, etc.). Since their goal is upvotes, they aim for the lowest common denominator in any given discussion, ensuring all weak-minded commenters who were unsure of who to side with can find something to agree with. The result? Internet popularity. A poor substitute for real friends, but ILTE Snobs tend to be so noncommittal in real life none of their face-to-face interactions end in genuine like, or even genuine hate, but rather an uninterested complacency. I, on the other hand, have many real life friends.

Because ILTE Snobs are so spineless about taking a stand on anything, it’s near impossible to make them go away. Their only saving grace is that they tend to comment less than other snobs, and are easily ignored. Please don’t ignore me, though. I say that not because I require upvotes, but because I like them. Reacting to ILTE Snobs only encourages their pacifistic attitude – your best bet is to ignore them, or better yet, downvote their comments to the bottom of the argument. They won’t react, but at least they’ll be out of your way.


 

All musical snobs are irritating, but they can all be dealt with using the proper tools and techniques I’ve outlined here. Before you scroll into the comments section, I’d like to say that we have a very diverse crowd of commenters here, and I don’t mean to poke fun at any one person; rather I’m trying to poke fun at all of us. You see, I don’t have an agenda. I listen to all kinds of music, and if you don’t like what I’ve written, why bother commenting? I think we should just listen to what we love and not fight about it. I listen to lots of underground stuff as well as mainstream stuff, because I don’t limit myself. Not saying that you are limited, I’m just saying you could broaden your horizons.

I’m so hard right now. I can’t wait to jump into the arguments in the comments section, write something about us all getting along while stroking myself, and receive tons of upvotes.


(Images via, via, via, via, and via)

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Are you trying to tell me you guys don’t jerk it off to a picture of Haydn and finish on a violin?

    • EsusMoose

      I jerk off to pictures of violins and finish on Hadyn, I didn’t know I was doing it wrong

    • The Fish Boz

      I’m more a finish-on-harps kinda guy, occasionally a cello.

    • I just need a cute lady for that. The violin is not necessary.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Sir, I said sir. I must ask you to leave the hall. We do not condone such profanities.

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Outrageous! How do they let degenerates like him inside?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I’ll say! We must hire a new doorman.

  • *cough* masterlord *cough*

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

    Don’t engage with me. You are not my friend. Fuck off. Bye.

  • Stanley

    Quality.

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    I’m no snob, but I may be Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven.

  • IronLawnmower

    A week ago I had the pleasure of dealing with what I’ve dubbed a /mu/sical snob, He talked about these bands that /mu/ loves wanking over and when I mentioned I liked metal he called me a manchild autistic baby.

    • Thats quite a lazy insult seeing as you’re clearly a lawnmower. I mean damn.

      • IronLawnmower

        His exact comment (on facebook mind) was
        >metal
        Bye.

        • EsusMoose

          I guess the person is too young to realize their behavior is horribly pathetic, time to insult some IMN

        • CyberneticOrganism

          To be fair, most people’s understanding of metal is AC/DC, Metallica, Motley Crue and possibly Disturbed or Godsmack.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Yup.

          • IronLawnmower

            From what I’ve gathered when most people think of metal they think of emo teenagers cutting themselves while listening to random screaming.

          • I tell people that I listen to loud abrasive noise so they cannot pigeonhole me.

  • EsusMoose

    Avocado of non-metal SPEAKS WORDS!

  • Music is bad and I don’t like it.

    • This comment was brought to you by C. Molenaar.

      *Batteries don’t included*

      • Molenaar has a rechargeable battery that charges from the broken souls of people who actually like music.

    • IronLawnmower

      Music is shit fuck off.

    • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

      Only J-Metal is real.

      • The worst part about his comment is that I know you are srs.

        GL

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        Is that like JDate? Jew metal?

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          CHUCK SCHULDINER GIVE JEW METAL INSTANT CREDIBILITY!!!!!!!! DEATH ROCKS!!!!!!

          • JamesGrimm

            Yep. That group of people too. Death and the old school style vocals are becoming trend again.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          Japanese Metal.

      • ME GORAK B.C.™

        GORAK LIKE REAL DIO!!!!!!!! WHAT THIS!?!?!?!?!?!

        https://youtu.be/q9zMEvKncOQ

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          A half-ass nu metal-ish version of Chthonic?

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Your Music is bad and I like mine better

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Serious question when it comes to snobbery: If you don’t think the music you enjoy is the best music (for your taste), then why are you listening to it? Doesn’t being a fan of something specific inherently make you a bit snobbish?

    • EsusMoose

      I think it depends on how the person things about themselves in regards to music, someone who is into music (a musician, a snob, a teacher) or identity has somehow influenced by music then I think they do think their music taste is (relatively) best.

      I’ve met people who listen more casually who only consume top 40 stuff, other pop, and generally easy listening stuff and admit their tastes suck. My guess is it’s an attempt to seem self-aware of ones actions and also to brush the topic under the table. I never got to ask them why they do that but considering they were a college student who wanted to fit in and there’s a bunch a snobs here, I could see this as a valid defensive tool.

      DOUCHEBAG STATEMENT AWAY!

    • The Fish Boz

      I’m kinda humble with my tastes. I’m not gonna pretend Lil B is a good rapper or that doom/stoner metal is super elaborate music.

    • CT-12

      I think it more has to do with just not being forceful with your opinion. Sure, I may think the music I listen to is best for me, but I know not everybody likes it, and that’s fine with me; I don’t feel the need to try and convince people otherwise. I know there’s plenty of people out there who like shit I have no interest in, but I don’t see other genres as invalid or devoid of artistic merit just because I don’t like it.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Black metal recorded at a wooded cabin in winter to an 80s 4-track or GTFO

  • The “I Listen to Everything” Snob (this isn’t me, though) (this isn’t me neither!!!)

  • I, Jack The Blumpkin King
    • You mean Old People?

      • Can I say **Shots Fired**?

        • Void Dweller

          You just did.

      • Stanley

        He means JJD.

        • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

          Nah, he’s not snobby. I’m talking about the “you kids don’t know real metal. It was so much better when we had to pay outrageous prices for a record of a band we saw a flyer of, and wait 4-5 weeks for it to come in the mail.” types.

          • Where does the “I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG GENERATION” kid fit in?

          • EsusMoose

            IWBITWG Snob?

          • Void Dweller
          • A locker.

          • MoshOff

            Those people make me mad for reasons I don’t even.

            “I should have been born in the 50s man.”

            To live post-Civil War Dictatorship Spain in the flesh, I get you.

          • They just want to have to poo behind a tree.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            Off the lawn, especially if Matlock or Murder She Wrote is on.

          • Stanley

            Oh, you mean me? I get you.

          • Stanley

            I had to save up my paper round money for 3 weeks and then still had to wait 5 weeks for Destruction’s Eternal Devastation to show up at the local record store. Times were tough, dude.

          • Void Dweller

            You old bastard.

          • Stanley

            I would like to say that I’m older and and wiser, but here I am.

          • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

            Someone’s talking with a guilty conscience, but no I wasn’t mentioning anyone on here!

        • Aww, JJD is not that violent to be a snob.

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Stanley plz!

      • I, Jack The Blumpkin King

        Well, yeah.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        wut…

  • Void Dweller

    No blues?

    • Bozamole Jim

      I avoid Blues Snobs like the damn plague, so I have no good info on them.

      • Void Dweller

        Are there blues snobs, in all honesty?

        • Ever been to Guitar Center on a weekday?

          • Void Dweller

            I try not to.

          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

            Good man.

        • Bozamole Jim

          In all seriousness, I’ve heard some people verbally jizz nonstop about the “soul” that’s in the blues. It drives me nuts, especially for a genre of music that’s based around 3 chords.

          • Void Dweller

            I can see that, but all I can also see the impact it had on the British, who then brought it back to the US.

          • Bozamole Jim

            Oh yeah. I don’t deny its importance on the development of Western music, and I do respect it. I just don’t think it deserve some of the praise it gets. But I think YourLogicIsFlushed is right – liking something makes us all a bit snobbish inherently.

          • Void Dweller

            This is true.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Yea but when I listen to blind broke ass 8 fingered toothless Jefferson I cry like a baby. The soul is amazing..

          • CyberneticOrganism

            “These guys today, they’re no Clapton.”

            – every dad in Guitar Center

          • Void Dweller

            Hell, Clapton isn’t Clapton.

          • The Fish Boz

            The bluuuueees

          • MoshOff

            I love blues man, but the “now play that with soul” card that a lot of blues snobs use whenever slightly technical/metal stuff comes up in conversation just makes me want to end it all.

      • Oh man. Steve Buscemi in Ghost World. I think about that guy whenever I start vomiting dumb things about music to people IRL.

  • I used to see the ILE snob on metalsucks all the damn time

  • more beer

    The only snob that matters is “BEER SNOB”!

    • I politely tell people that offer me Coors or Bud that it’s a step above human piss. Doesn’t always come out so nice.

      • more beer

        This is why I bring beer when ever I go to someones house for a bar b que or party. I will be doing this on Saturday. I`m fucking old if I am to die from some liver related ailment in the future. It`s not going to be from drinking shitty beer. I go by the Coors Brewery for work pretty often. One of these days I`m gonna pull my truck over and find a way to piss in that river.

  • I’m definitely not one or all of these things. On a related note, the quickest way to expose a black metal snob is to find the colored picture of their ultra grim black metal picture as can be seen below (this is deeeeeefinitely not me…):

    • The Fish Boz

      HAHAHHAHA

    • Guppusmaximus

      Some obscure, trve, kvlt & br00tal Black Metal band should use that as an album cover. Priceless!

      • I’ll record a demo on a tape recorder and only sell it to people with tape players that I approve.

        • Disgustache

          With your old nail clippings inside the cassette case as a sign of troo brootal offering. Just like Mayhem with bits of skull, but you weren’t black enough to kill yourself.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    I think we should include the electronic music snob. “Often seen in the wild wearing a fake Native American headdress and clothing from Urban Outfitters, the electronic music snob dodges responsibility like the plague and has spent most of her twenties blowing her trust-fund money on festivals. She posts inspirational photos on Facebook and talks about how getting loaded at a rave totally expanded her mind. If you encounter the EDM snob in the wild just lure her into a STEM building with a trial of pumpkin spice lattes.”

    • Bozamole Jim

      HA

    • CyberneticOrganism
      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        FUCKING JUMP!

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        Do you enjoy traveling? Everyone should travel!

        • This makes me want to die. Seriously.

          • Void Dweller

            Life is an amazing adventure!

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            You mean you didn’t backpack through Europe during the summer between your Junior and Senior year?

          • LOL I’m pretty much a gypsy! Wanderlust! Never without my passport! My family funds my wasteful and unproductive lifestyle! LOL!

          • Fuck.

          • Come with us an get salmonella eating a bad cooked chicken, Masterlord. You really need to expand your view and become a real wanderlust.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Live each day without regrets!

          • JamesGrimm

            regrats

          • EsusMoose

            I just remembered getting told about a chick who spent like 3k+ so she could help in a hospital in Indian. She didn’t have that much to any training and still thought it was a great thing to do. JUST FUCKING SEND THEM MONEY INSTEAD OF WASTING MOST OF IT ON TRAVELING AND HOUSING.

          • Next comes the self-proclaiming “unicorns.”
            If you have to describe yourself as a unicorn, you should kill yourself and join their non-existence.

          • Mother Shabubu 4
          • Mother Shabubu 4

            The same clod of dumb that gets a camera, sets everything to sepia or black and white and thinks they are a photographer. Then posts all their shit to Tumblr and Flickr thinking we want to see it.

          • Disgustache

            Yeah, but did you see how good that latte looked?

          • Megan Alexandra

            This thread is everything

          • Void Dweller

            No, Megan, you are. You are.

          • Bozamole Jim
          • MoshOff

            Those dudes always look way too good in drag.

          • Bozamole Jim
          • Welcome to the Toilet!

            GL

        • TRAVELLING IS AN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE. YOU SHOULD STARVE AND PAY ONE PLANE TICKET TO THE JUNGLE AND HAVE DIARRHEA AND CLEAN YOUR POOP WITH PLANTAINS LEAVES TO ENJOY REAL NATURE!!!

          • tertius_decimus

            Got the irony behind these words but on a true note, we’re very limited in travelling by low budget, my Venezuelan friend.

            Stay where you are, inhabitant of 3rd world country!

          • Yeah, I mean, it would be really cool for me to travel a see trees’n’shit, but I know I can’t do it; and even if I can I would not be begging for attention for that kind of behaviour.

            I have some friends that have travelled and always post that crap, and they expect that all the people here have to save everything in a year to get to travel too because this country sucks. Weird people.

            Sadly, a lot of travelling Venezuelans go with bad mindsets and disrespect to other countries and we are now being saw by the foreigners as a plague. Like in Aruba or Panamá, for example.

            If I ever visit any of the country of the toiletters, it is a promise: I will behave, jajajaja.

          • tertius_decimus

            Like someone said, when you leave your native land to change something for better, you take yourself with you and that’s the biggest issue.

            Many people stop talking Russian when they reside in foreign country because it’s a fact: Russian hates another Russian. Mental camouflage.

      • Guppusmaximus

        Hysterical. I doubt any of those life lovers would last after the first day of following such a pretentious mantra. You just don’t have the fucking bankroll for it. #getbent

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          The sad thing is that many of them are so privileged that their parents indulge their every whim.

          • Guppusmaximus

            True. But, those are also the ones you see on those stupid “reality news” shows facing charges, imo.

      • Disgustache
      • Mother Shabubu 4

        “Time is limited”

        *Wakes up at 1:44pm due to hangover and dehydration from EDM/rave drugs*

        • Disgustache

          “I can’t make it into work today, manager at Applebee’s. Yes, yes. I know I’m a hostess but I really don’t feel well. Yes I know my shift is only 4 hours and starts at 6 p.m. No, I can’t make it. I really think I’m dead.”

      • CT-12

        This movie is gonna be SOOOOOOOO good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFGiHm5WMLk

        • Void Dweller

          Only if it involves rape and necrophilia.

          • CT-12

            “just take the risk, take a chance for once!”

        • MoshOff

          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

        • CyberneticOrganism

          IKR OMG #soexcited #beautiful #inspirational

    • more beer

      What do you expect with all that candy flipping?

    • Disgustache
  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
  • Paris Hilton

    You need to remember the “balding, middle aged, upper middle class music snob”. They are typically university professers, have been students forever, or study law/are lawyers. Their music taste is as follows: U2, The Beatles, The Tragically Hip, The Americans, The Smiths/Morrissey, and other ridiculously boring bands.

    • HOLY FUCK! I KNOW A COUPLE OF SNOBS LIKE THAT.

      • Paris Hilton

        They are the exact same people. Everytime!

    • Disgustache

      So like everyone’s dad?

    • JW(E)G

      I don’t know about the rest, but I think it’s a requirement for Canadian Citizenship that you can dig at least ‘early’ Hip records.

  • Where’s Randall Thor in this list? Snobs are violent, and every time he come here is for wanting to wiggle his sword in front of someone. That’s very rude.

    • Bozamole Jim

      I was scared I’d be facing certain death from his blade of folded steel if I made fun of him. All Power Metal Snobs are 6’4″ behemoths, rippling with muscle, majestic hair flowing in the breeze, and they scare me.

      • US is a magical place.

        Here are fat people with ponytails and smelly of cheap liquour.

        • Bozamole Jim

          In Canada all we have is libtards and taxes.

          • Lies.

            You have maple syrup, mooses and over-respectful people.

          • EsusMoose

            He speaks the truth of what I believe Canada is therefore he is right

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

    Ever meet a Grateful Dead or Phish fan? Fuck!

    Suicide.

    • Void Dweller

      Fucking spot on.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        I have a buddy who is super into the Grateful Dead. I think that band is actually a sizable portion of his worldview. He’s a decent guy, though.

        • Void Dweller

          Still sounds like you should never talk to him again. Just saying.

    • more beer

      My brother dragged me to the dead one time. It was all I could handle. What a fucked up scene and bunch of people. The show I was at security beat the fuck out of this guy threw him a van where they beat him more. You could see the van rocking from that. Then he was found dead the next day. All the fucking hippies were walking around saying “did you see the violence man?” I was like why didn`t you guys help your friend? There`s more it was a fucked up night it`s just too much to type.

      • Void Dweller

        I love the fact the security beat him to death around some piece loving assholes. Irony is a motherfucker.

        • more beer

          Yea it is and it is actually unsolved. I know the cops were told it was security. They didn`t give a fuck just a dead hippy.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          The South Park episode with the hippies at the music festival while Slayer plays comes to mind here.

          • Void Dweller

            Except they called Slayer death metal. Oh shit, am I a snob now?

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Haha, I almost pointed that out myself.

          • Void Dweller

            See how easy it is???

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I think part of the reason we’re all joking around is that we’re all snobs to a degree. Por ejemplo, on a bewildering number of occasions, I’ve been approached by someone new who finds out I like metal. If they’re religious, they’ll typically ask if I like August Burns Red or something. I’ve had to come up with creative ways to not be a dick.

          • Void Dweller

            After a while it’s not easy. But the older I get, the less I care.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I still try to be polite because I do typically like these people. Music just isn’t really a point of conversation in most of my circles, and I prefer to keep it that way.

          • That’s cool. I don’t like to talk about music either besides here, because I always encounter that freaking question:

            Which music do you like?

            *dead*

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            word

          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

            Oh shit! Haha.

            I’ll have to re-watch that episode I guess.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        My dad wasn’t a drug lover which set him apart from most Deadheads. He hates Phish though.

        • more beer

          Drugs are the only thing that could possibly make them tolerable.

    • Disgustache
      • more beer

        Don`t eat the brown acid!

      • Void Dweller

        Fuck, just fucking nuke that whole crowd.

    • Mother Shabubu 4

      They call themselves that because we’ll all be grateful when they’re dead.

    • RJA

      toilet confession: I’m going to see Phish in a couple weeks in Kansas City and I’m not even being forced.
      As for the article, I’ve always considered myself a music snob – but now I’m unsure as to which category I fall into. I guess the “I listen to everything” snob.

      • Disgustache

        Upvote for brvtal honesty.

    • so weird, many people who like those bands like JUST THOSE BANDS.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      My dad is a Deadhead. He saw them 200 tines and was at all three shows in Chicago this year.

  • Vegglampe

    A friend of mine decided one day to take band photos in a forest in the middle of the city. Corpsepaint, torches, the whole package. In the end, the old timers that lived by the edge of the forest called the cops because they were frightened.

    • Stanley

      Excellent!

    • To be honest, this is a great anecdote, Lamp.

      I can’t wait to be in the shores of Maracaibo Lake and take photos to a crappy black metal band.

      • Vegglampe

        As weird as it sounds, not everyone in Norway are into black metal.

        • Stanley

          My dreams are crushed.

          • Vegglampe

            At least we have a lot of sheep

        • Jajajajaja!!!

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Fucking Norwegians are posers!

          • Vegglampe

            Go away you filthy finn! Go bother Sweden.

          • Le Tapir The Based

            I am not filthy! I just washed myself!

          • CT-12

            So like, every time you shower, you come?

          • Le Tapir The Based

            When I had genitals, yes.

          • Vegglampe

            Go swim in a lake!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Go drown in a river!

          • Vegglampe

            Joke’s on you! There’s mostly mountains here, not rivers!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Go chocke on an Atlantic cod then!

          • Vegglampe

            Go watch a depressive comedy, then commit suicide!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            That’s what I do every day.

    • JamesGrimm

      Thats pretty metal.

  • Paris Hilton

    You’re a snob if you can’t admit that you do or have enjoyed Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. Although we all know you do. So why carry on this lonely, corpsepainted charade that you call your life?

    • Bozamole Jim

      It’s just one of those days.

    • Le Tapir The Based

      Well looks like I’m a fucking snob then.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        That’s no news, mate.

        • Le Tapir The Based

          I’ve never considered myself to be a snob so it’s news to me. I’ve been living a lie!

          • EsusMoose

            Well we all knew and accepted our cowpigelephant friend as is

          • #LeaveTapirAlone T-T)

      • more beer

        Be proud of that.

    • Guppusmaximus
  • EsusMoose

    Ramming speed has a new single it seems

  • We have the crappy alt rock snobs. People that play in bands and think their life is amazing and they’re just playing crappy music with crappy voices.

  • Guppusmaximus

    I’m only a snob when I get stuck talking to imbeciles who only listen to music for entertainment purposes. Like those fucks who say,”Yea, I have no idea why I like it but I do”… *ugh* #stabmyeardrumswithicepicks

  • That black metal snob is wearing a Cradle of Filth shirt and should be killed.

    Signed, a black metal snob

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      I noticed that too. Must be Riotact666.

    • You were very slow this time. I realized that and I wait a lot for our black metal snob to come an comment it.

      You’re getting old, Masterpants.

    • Mother Shabubu 4

      And is using a Les Paul. I’m guessing that’s not pointy enough of a guitar for blvck mvtvl.

      • Void Dweller

        Or maybe Accept, The Scorpions, Judas Priest. Just saying. Oh shit, there I go again……snob my knob…..

    • Paris Hilton

      “Oh, you don’t like Black Metal? Or even Metal in general? That’s cool; to each their own. I’m not going to give you a 25 minute rant about the rich history of Black Metal and everything it represents. You probably don’t wanna hear about it, and that’s OK! Have an awesome day!”

      -No Black Metal snob in the history of ever.

      • I swear I’m not like the others #NotAllBlackMetalFans

        • Bozamole Jim
          • The Fish Boz

            But what if I say I’m not just another one?

          • Bozamole Jim

            Is someone taking the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

            the best

          • The Fish Boz

            So much emotion, I love this climax

            *climax

          • john

            Read the whole thing. Did not disappoint.

          • Zeke

            I was very busy this week, so I’m late to this party; but this article was amazing. Well done!

          • Bozamole Jim

            Thanks very much!

          • Disgustache
          • The Fish Boz

            I always get amused and amazed that two human beings can produce a third human being that goes on to do something like this. Crazy times to be living in.

          • MoshOff

            I like Foo Fighters. Grohl is cool. Fight me.

          • JamesGrimm

            I want to like them alot more than I do.

          • I don’t like Foo Fighters 🙁

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Is this a pic from his epic show at Citi Field when he swam with the otters at dusk in NYC?

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      awareness is always the first step….

    • Vladimir Poutine

      I second this. Says the guy whose only black metal shirt is an extremely cliche Emperor shirt with a pentagram on it.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    Are there country music snobs, or do they actually realize that they’re all terrible people?

    • There are a fuck ton of country music snobs. They are all the same person. “Psh. NASHVILLE country? GARBAGE”

      • Only tailgate country is real

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          sheeeeet, yea man.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        its true tho…that aint country. its like considering Deafhaven to be black merol…

    • OOOOOOOOHHHH MY DOG DIED TODAY AND MY TRUCK’S STARTER BURNT OUT. OHHOooHH SHUCKS IT SUCKS. BUT TODAY IS GOOD CUZ ‘MERICA (or GTFO). I GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY LADY FRIEND WHO IS REALLY ME SECOND CUZIN TWICE REMOVED. OOOOHHooohhh SHUCKS IT DOESNT SUCKS.

      BUT O’L LATER ON DOWN BY THE CATFISH SWIMMING/FISHING/HUNTING/SHINING HOLE IMMA GET MY TAILGATE DANCING ON, BURY MY DOG, AND FIX MY STARTER. OHHHHH GMC!!!! FORD!!!!!! CHRYSLER!!!! BYAAHH!!!!11! BUT TODAY IS GOOD CUZ ‘MERICA (or GTF0)

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        Throw in a little about your mom and Jesus, and you’ve got a hit.

        • Smearing country music is next of my list of things I wish to record…. Although, I must wait for winter for that to happen.

          GL

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I grew up listening to “tailgate country” as Christian puts it. I hate it from the darkest, blackest depths of my soul.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            “tailgate country” is…?

          • Turn back now.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Too late, I guess.

          • ….

            1.) trucks
            2.) dogs
            3.) miniskirts
            4.) America

            The list can be rearranged in any order.

          • EsusMoose

            In addition
            5) beer
            6) rivers
            7) farms

          • more beer

            You need t change # 5 to shitty beer.

          • EsusMoose

            Can’t have anything that could pass health standards

          • more beer

            No especially for country music fans!

          • I have 5 of the 7 items. America is the gimme.

          • EsusMoose

            Ah so close to being a full-on tailgating country fan American

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            jeebus, apple pie and Chevrolet…

          • Google this really cool band called “Florida Georgia Line,” you’ll love them.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Gaaaaaaahhhh

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            …yeah…
            Conductor! One-Way Ticket to where the fuckever else!

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer
          • JamesGrimm

            …………………………FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK………………………..

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Oh Lord.

          • Jajajajaja, this is like country bros that have watched a lot of reaggeton videos 😛 It’s funny.

          • The Fish Boz

            Brazilian PartyBroCountry for the rescue

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0yq2EcrA8s

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Holy cow! This is bad. That dude has a fivehead too.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Is it time for the standard joke about what happens when you play a country record backwards?

        • go on….

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            jimmy do you know what happens when you play a country record backwards?

          • i don’t, but i NEED to know!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            You get your house back, your dog comes back, you get your wife back……(insert everything lost in country songs)

          • TDTR, you’ve made my day!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            YES!! and thank you!

    • hey, it’s a simple formula that $ells. country artists know what they’re doing…

  • The Fish Boz

    Serious question: stroking yourself while commenting here doesn’t automatically make you an ILTE snob, right? Right?

  • Disgustache

    I really like this kind of stuff, man. Fits into my overly blunt and extremely generalizing humor that I use primarily as a defense mechanism, much like the squid in times of dire need expels his ink. I also really like guac.

    Keep it coming!

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bu7ICVbCUAAav70.jpg

    • The Fish Boz

      My defense mechanism IRL is self deprecating humor. I’m a big cliché. And by big I mean fat.

      • Ted ‘Toth’ Nü-Djent ™

        Just more of you to love bb

    • OldMetalHead

      I get so tired of that at Chipotle. When they ask me if it’s ok that the guac is extra, I say “no, but I want it anyway” 😛

      • john

        We don’t have Chipotle in Canada. We do have Q’doba though, where guac is a free side. Paying extra for guac sounds like capitalism run amok!

        • OldMetalHead

          It’s good guac, but $2 is pricy.

  • The comments are blowing up. This is rad.

    GL

  • No two people’s musical tastes are exactly alike. If you’re a Last FM user, look at people you are super compatible with. Their top artists are different than yours. I’ve learned to respect and appreciate that fact making me less snobby.

    • EsusMoose

      I look at my top artists and silently whisper poseur before playing the newest black metal album and thinking about kvlt this probably looks

    • Disgustache

      It’s alright to have opinions, even if they are wrong.

  • DCLXVI

    You’re all posers

    • *poseur

      Poseur.

      GL

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        grammar snob!

      • Ted ‘Toth’ Nü-Djent ™

        Matt Misso?

  • JamesGrimm

    Prog fans…..

    • Bozamole Jim

      Oh fuck. How did I forget that?!?

      • Disgustache

        See you at sunrise for your execution.

    • Disgustache

      Wink wink nod nod say no more eh?

    • Le Tapir The Based

      Yes, we are glorious!

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      James plz! I like 70’s prog!

      • JamesGrimm

        shmxcmhtxd

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box OV HELL

    “Joke about Undergrad University students with long hair”
    Someone is balding.

    • Bozamole Jim

      IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE LOTS OF TESTOSTERONE

      LEAVE ME ALONE

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      You got something against bald people?

      • Le Tapir The Based

        I can’t hate bald people. I have bald friends.

        • MoshOff

          Dude, one of my cousins is bald.

        • Ted ‘Toth’ Nü-Djent ™

          I can’t or I’d be self loathing

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt
    • Bozamole Jim

      I’m not though

      • not being tough,

        is totally punk,

        bro.

        • The Fish Boz

          GL

        • Bozamole Jim

          finally

          you are become punk

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Beign punk is stupid

          • Bozamole Jim

            this guy

            ur hating stuff

            punk

          • Le Tapir The Based

            I’m confused. Are you saying I’m punk? Do I have to dive and never return from the bottom of the lake?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            YES! YES! FOR THE GLORY OF SATAN!

          • The Fish Boz

            EW, Satan is totally not punk

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod
          • Le Tapir The Based

            Toothbrushes are punk

          • The Fish Boz
          • Le Tapir The Based

            I’m not gonna do it tho. You would be sad. I don’t wanna make you feel bad, man.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod
          • Bozamole Jim

            asking for directions

            v.not punk

          • Le Tapir The Based

            I’m not punk! O day of joy!

          • anus, death, sass, punk,

            from the land of endless dark,

            much punk, much wow, yep.

          • As is “being metal. “

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Only “being based” is real

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    I know what kind of music snob I am.

  • JW(E)G

    I can neither prove nor disprove that I am an ILTE Snob: my history shows that if I’m actually just upvote-farming, I’m doing an utterly crap job at it.

    The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence (unless politics, because they obey no empirical reality).

    • JamesGrimm

      wat

      • JW(E)G

        That was pretty much going to be v1.0 of my comment.

        It just felt weird not being unnecessarily verbose.

  • dude you should have asked before posting that picture of me (jazz snob)

  • OldMetalHead

    Well, at least you didn’t post another picture of your butt. Entertaining article though Bro.

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
  • Stockhausen

    How do you categorize someone (totally not me) who just generally (not like me) is definitely sure (srs not me) that their taste is superior (I definitely am not like this) in every aspect of music (ok that’s actually me)?

    • I would categorize you as: CORRECT.

      (Inasmuch as my taste is tacitly assumed by everyone at all times to be superior to yours.)

  • Waynecro

    Happen to be wearing a “Blaze in
    the Northern Sky” shirt at Strapping Young Lad/Meshuggah show.

    In line to enter venue.

    Fat comic-store-employee-looking guy: “You know, Darkthrone’s first album was
    just jazz-influenced death metal, not black metal.”

    Me: “Um….”

    Fat comic-store-employee-looking guy: “Black metal, HAWHAWHAW!”

    Unsure if somehow served or just called a poser.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      In his mind, you were slain. Viciously.

      • Waynecro

        If only I had worn my “Soulside Journey” shirt that night. Things could have been different.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Does it keep you up at night?

          • Waynecro

            His cruel guffaws are the soundtrack to all of my
            nightmares.

  • Max

    I’ve been waiting a while for the opportunity to point this out, loathe as I am to be the guy that does:

    That “King Shit of Fuck Mountain” guy that used to post here perfectly fits the description of the Black Metal Snob.

    I’ll never forget the time when he embedded a link for the first Isengard album (Fenriz solo project). That record was pure rubbish – even Fenriz himself said so. I know this ‘cos I first bought it back in about ’94; which is probably long before KSoFM did despite his tr00ness.

    I must admit that “King Shit of Fuck Mountain” is the coolest commenter name I’ve ever seen, though. I’ve considered adopting it for myself on other forums.

    I also liked it when he got stuck into nu-metal fans over on Metalsucks.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      His vengeful spirit may or may not wander these halls still.

    • LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!

  • J.R.™

    I’m a huge snob, just not about music. though I will argue with the unkvlt for hours about metal genres, just to make myself seem more kvlt.
    But seriously my snobbery knows no bounds. Salad dressing, vehicle adornments, furniture orientation, water pressure…

  • D. Lee

    Just realized I don’t comment much here, *checks previous comments* yeah, I’m a borderline ILTE snob.

  • john

    I feel like we’re missing the “classic hard rock and/or proto-metal is great but metal sucks” snob. I know a couple personally. They wax poetic about Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Hendricks, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, and any number of other rock bands that “paved the way” for heavy metal… But then get INCENSED when you speak of them in the same conversation with Priest, Maiden, Metallica, etc…

    I can’t even.

  • tertius_decimus

    Improvisation in jazz music is long gone. There are few acts remaining where free thought flow considered to be appropriate (free jazz, for example) but as in case with encores in metal shows, most jazz musicians can’t afford to make improvisation happen due to the same reason: sanctioned scopes, too limited timerames beyond which they’re obliged to pay an arm and a leg to whoever organizes the show. Thus, improvisation have lost its road even to studio works.

    This being said, unlike pop music which is on the surface most the time, jazz is the true culprit by most feedbacks. The most hated music ever for no reason. Like Jim says in the article, it’s being hated even by listeners. I myself have met true jazz lovers who weren’t snobs by any means just three or four times. This says something…

  • NYCMOM

    The worst music snobs? Hands down…dead heads.