A Taxonomy of Extremity: How Heavy Is That Album?

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Heavy. A word as ubiquitous and meaningless as epic in the modern parlance of extreme music fandom. Although the term at one time held significance and sway as the clarion call of rebellious youth and blue-collar, down-tuned gloomy rock, overuse and the shifting sands of genre definition have since rendered it neutered. There’s a reason fans roll their eyes whenever bands claim that their next album will be their “heaviest;” it’s a promise as empty and capricious as political claims made during the primaries. Enough is enough! It’s time for us to take back our word! We need to make heavy heavy again! To this end, I’d like to propose a new rating system to evaluate the heaviness of a particular record. Behold the new Taxonomy of Extremity.

The difficulty in the use of heavy is the nigh-infinite permutations to which it has been applied. To some, “heavy” is synonymous with “blastbeat.” An album is only as heavy as the BPMs and one-footed blasts that drive it. Polymeters? Get that garbage outta my face. I just want to get heavy with Revenge!

To others, heaviness is all about alchemical conjurings to summon otherworldly riffs from the atonal netherscape. To these acolytes, dissonance is the temple and Luc Lemay is the high priest. Bow before the altar of Gorguts and cast down the acolytes of power chords!

To others, groove is king, and only albums that plumb depths as low as the great tectonic crevasses that sunder the ocean’s floor in twain are fit to bear the title heavy. For these fans, downtuned riffs and rumbling bass with strings that sound like a bridge being tossed about in a gale wind are all that matter. Though groove can come in many forms, it is perhaps its heaviest when lurking within the murky pelagic layers of the death metal ocean.

Others may conjecture that only the slow, primal crawl of a primitive doom assault is worthy of heavy. The groove kids may respect the bass, but they do not worship it. They do not know true heaviness, and the blessing of the Weedian is forever denied then. Low and slow: this is the essence of heavy.

Last, others may argue that heaviness lies not in sound but in image and word. To these penitents, the somber, vulnerable angst of a broken heart and a melancholy lilt will forever outweigh the gravity of a downtuned guitar string. Truly, there is nothing heavier than the burden of human suffering, so perhaps albums that express it best are the closest to purity of heaviness.

How is this possible? Are all of the fans correct and reveling in their own relative truth? No. Clearly our genre’s current paradigm of heaviness is in direct contradiction to the law of noncontradiction. All possibilities cannot be simultaneously true, so we must find one single absolute to guide our community into the future.

Friends, after much careful research, I’d like to propose a single Taxonomy of Extremity to quantify heaviness, one whose hierarchy is well-known to all of us; indeed, we each have gathered our own empirical evidence that lends credence to the theory. My proposed metric: we measure heaviness by the length of time it takes a normie to tell you to “turn that crap off.”

We’ve all been in this situation (or fantasized about it while stroking our war metal vinyl records if we’re the type without friends). You’re driving your Nissan Sentra down the street, jamming some black metal on your way to give a friend a lift to the airport. As you pull up to your friend’s loft, you decide to gamble and don’t reduce the volume. Your friend gets in and immediately looks distressed. You pretend not to notice the pained expression (similar to the bloating caused by gas face) and ride it out, asking your friend how their day is going. Minutes pass. Finally, in a bout of agony, your friend belts out, “Dammit, Dubs, turn this garbage off!” Only made it through three tracks? Pretty heavy!

The length of time a normie takes to tell you to change your music is indirectly proportional to the heaviness of the album. The heavier the record, the shorter the time of endurance. Based on this premise, I’ve designed the following rating system and stratification by which we should now review all records.

0/5 Uncomfortable Normies

0

A 0 out of 5 rating reflects an utter dearth of heaviness. Flowery Euro metal and orchestral goth rock bands easily fall into this category, along with Clear Channel radio rock and Earache‘s current roster. If your friend responds to your music with, “Oh, is this Nightwish? I like her operatic voice!” you clearly aren’t listening to sufficiently heavy jams. Records that not only do not get vetoed but are in fact enjoyed earn a heaviness rating of 0/5.

1/5 Uncomfortable Normies

1

This rating is applied when the normie can stand the entire album but would prefer you choose something else afterward. This often occurs if the normie has a bit of a background with classic rock or went through a rebellious teenage phase; classic metal bands such as Iron Maiden or the odd nu metal throwback like Trapt will typically get a pass. Essentially, this rating applies if the structure and writing of your album are sufficiently similar to a Lady Gaga record. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it also means the album isn’t particularly heavy.

2/5 Uncomfortable Normies

2

Now we’re moving into the 5-6 song range. At this level of heaviness, a normie won’t be able to withstand the full force of an entire album, but half a record may work. If you’re playing thrash metal, classic speed metal with higher BPMs, or some lighter doom metal, you’ll likely see the normie grow more and more agitated as the album progresses. However, they’ll try to be polite as long as they can on account of the fact that you totally had their back that night in undergrad when they got hammered at Chimy’s and tried to start a fight with the captain of the rugby team over a fantasy football score. Yah, that nostalgia will carry you half an album.

3/5 Uncomfortable Normies

3

Now we’re getting into the realm of extreme metal. Think back to the last time you tried to play some death metal, even something as mild as Cannibal Corpse, for a normie? How long did they make it during the Barnes era? Three tracks? Yep, sounds about right. The heaviness rating typically transfers over the halfway point when the clean vocals disappear. Normies can’t stand screamy music, so most things that aren’t metalcore that eschew normal singing will be vetoed in roughly fifteen minutes.

4/5 Uncomfortable Normies

4

A 4/5 heaviness rating is typically reserved for music that can only be withstood for a single track. One brutal death metal song (or three grindcore tracks clocking in at the length of a regular song), and your passenger will be asking you things like, “How the hell do you listen to this? Do you hate me? Is this because I burnt dinner last night? Are you breaking up with me?”

As an aside, music at a 4/5 heaviness is PERFECT if you really want to lose some dead weight in your friend circle. I guarantee that blaring some Phobia while acting as the DD will ensure that you’ll never be given that job again, or even be asked to go out to Buffalo Wild Wings for the Thursday Night 50-cent wing special. Score!

5/5 Uncomfortable Normies

5

Intriguingly, the highest heaviness rating, a perfect 5/5, is reserved for music that transcends the traditional norms of metal. The closer to noise, the less tolerable the sound becomes. I guarantee a normie will be unable to withstand even an entire track of something like WOLD or PKWST. Hell, you probably can’t make it through a single noise track on a typical day. And if you can, you certainly have zero friends to annoy. In that way, only the bitterest of shut-ins and perverts will ever know true heaviness. The rest of us must dream.

There you have it. The definitive new ranking system for heaviness. Don’t agree? Try it out for yourself. Pick a non-inoculated normie and just test how quickly they yell at you and sever your relationship. Report back here with your field results.

  • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

    I give this article 5/7 on the normie sale.

    • W.

      A perfect score!

      • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

        All that edumacation paid off.

    • Ayreonaut

      A classic

    • Randall’s Sweaty Space Pants

      That fading smile still seals the deal.

    • Howard Dean

      I played a track from Monolith of Inhumanity for someone once and they said, “why the fuck is that guy making Hanna-Barbera cartoon sound effects over a tech death song?”

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’d replace “normie” with “mom”, but yeah, otherwise, spot on.

    (My mom listens to Nightwish, as a frame of reference)

    • JWEG

      Might as well declare it open season on “Your Mom” jokes.

      • Guacamole Jim

        It may be ….thyme… to do that

        ayyyy

  • Rob M

    If I can hammer nails with it, its heavy…

    In all seriousness though, I think theres a difference between something being heavy and something being, say, brutal. For instance…I consider War Metal brutal, but Id save a term like heavy for something like Funeral Doom

    …Im overthinking this arent I?

    • W.

      Get your namby-bamby feelings about heaviness out of here. This is science.

      • Rob M

        …but I have a PHD in brutal

      • No normies involved, don’t care

    • James

      prolly involves the emotion and intent involved.

  • JWEG

    I would recommend the use of a different term that wasn’t inadvertently linked to the alt-right misappropriation of Pepe. But that’s just me…

    • What are you, a cuck?

      • JWEG

        I prefer the term Intellectual Elitist.

        • Howard Dean

          “Intellectual Elitist” just doesn’t have the same ring to it… maybe it’s because Intellectual Elitist doesn’t imply that you like to let other dudes have sex with your wife while you sit in the corner jerking off and crying?

          • Guacamole Jim

            Yeah, there are some subtle differences there…

        • Óðinn

          Intellectual Elite >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          the Poorly Educated <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

    • W.

      Normies predates the alt-right. Why should I change when they’re the ones who suck?

    • Óðinn

      The irony of having to be PC and call racist pieces of shit the “alt-right” appears to be lost on both sides if the argument. Let’s just keep calling them racist pieces of shit.

    • Personally I haven’t seen normie used quite so much by out-and-out alt-right people. They came from the same spawning pit in the chans, though, you’re absolutely right.

  • tigeraid

    As long as this is at the top of your “heaviness measurement scale,” you’re doing good science.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyjNkG3yKak

    • HAIL!

    • Error

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Stole my gotdang thunder with this.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      “Joey, honey, your father is trying to read. He had a long day at the shop. Can you turn it down a bit please?”
      “MOM I JUST STARTED!”
      “Thank you dear I appreciate it, dinner will be ready in 20 minutes.”

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    I could see a normie not being totally turned off by WOLD.

    • W.

      You hang out with perverts.

      • Guacamole Jim

        League of Dorks or some shit, I hear

    • JWEG

      Wol’d – the state of becoming Wol, i.e. the owl character from Winnie the Pooh. Ergo, it’s totally safe to play for your toddlers. Totally.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
  • Khanate is always my go-to for people who claim to “like everything.”

    • James

      Genuine misanthropy.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      In a strange way Khanate does have good hooks though…

      • Can’t dance to it = instant death for roughly 75-80% of the population

    • Rob M
    • NDG

      I dropped Khanate on the youngish girl at my work who was constantly proclaiming “I just love AAAAALLLLLLLL music!!!”

      Turns out maybe not “all” music.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe
  • JWEG

    I suggest an Alphabetical scale. Out of respect, though, “D” should be skipped…

    http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_612x380/public/i/2011/12/27/Heavy-D_320.jpg?itok=BHNxEtMH

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    For some reason Monotheist seems to be an incredibly divisive album. There are those in the right, like me, who think it’s a masterpiece and one of the best things Celtic Frost ever did. And then there are those in the wrong, who think it’s torturous crap. There’s barely an in-between.
    Something we can ALL agree on though, is the almost apocalyptical heaviness of the thing.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_r4mD9fHVU

    • W.

      See, I would think Obscured would be heavy, but I’m pretty sure my wife would tolerate it. Maybe a 3.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Well my point of view may be a bit clouded, because most people I know would deem even Tool as “too heavy”.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The problem with this album is the complete lack of riffs. The only decent tracks are Domain of Decay and Winter. I still have no idea 10 years later how anyone can like this album. Tom G. shot his wad of riffs long ago.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        this album is not trve

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        While I do appreciate some tasty riffs, I’m as much of a “feels man” as I’m a “riffs man”. There’s more to metal than just riffs imo.
        Like I said, it IS an incredibly divisive album. Some completely love it, others completely hate it.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          It was just a let down. I’m for feels, if the feels are actually there. The only feels I got with this album is Winter. That track is amazing.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Well I’ll always be a hardcore Monotheist apologist. I enjoy it every bit as much as Morbid Tales or To Mega Therion.
            What’s your opinion on Triptykon?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            The first Triptykon was a step up from Monotheist, for sure. And the second album about have way through, Tom G. shits the bed again, with the lack of riffs.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Triptykon is basically a continuation of what Uncle Tom was doing with Monotheist, so it certainly gets the approval from my ears.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, I figured you say that. I’ll just stick with the first few Celtic Frost releases. And Hellhammer of course….

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            My ears approve of Hellhammer as well. This song in particular.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnWC4OoVQFI

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Fucking amazing!

    • Depechemodeisgangsta

      Maybe since i’m not the most “Metal” listener, i didn’t knew people hate it or love.
      This album for me is perfect, along with Melana Chasmata, i just enjoy both of them.

      I still remember listening to this album, and older lady who used to work with me, walked in while the song Triptych: I. Totengott started playing, and she said that she would pray for me.

  • Óðinn

    This song is so catchy, even the most normal person can enjoy. Solid 80s guitar tone.

    https://youtu.be/wdLNsN5bdOA

    • W.

      I give it a 2.

    • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

      When they performed this at the show of theirs I went to I enjoyed it.

  • I like to spend a great deal of time near the CAVES of heavy merol, with bands like Altarage, Abyssal, and Portal.
    3.5/5 flaming uncomfortable normies ov hell

    • W.

      I dunno, dude. Those bands are pretty close to 4s.

  • Howard Dean

    If I’m 90% certain the person isn’t going to enjoy what I have playing in the car, I don’t even bother. No reason. While many metalheads think it’s funny or cool to have “normies” shrink in horror at the heaviness or brutality of extreme metal, I think it’s kind of lame, and honestly, the “normie” isn’t going to think it was cool, interesting, or special in any way. After you make them listen to a couple Conqueror tracks, they’re probably just going to think that you are a weirdo or developmentally-delayed/intellectually-challenged or some shit. “Cool” or “awesome” is going to be the farthest thing from their mind.

    HD’s rule of thumb: Don’t play extreme metal for people who aren’t likely to enjoy it.

    • W.

      I actually tend to agree with you, or at least turn the volume down low enough where it isn’t that big of a deal. My wife and I compromise by listening to audio books when we travel.

      • Rob M

        Oh man, when the wife and I drive, music in general is a no fly zone. We do something similar to you, she reads out loud while I drive

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          We split our music up. We go from Black Keys to Revenge without batting an eye.

        • W.

          It just makes for a more peaceful ride than.

          • Howard Dean

            I’ve only had success with a limited amount of stuff–The Devil’s Blood, In Solitude, Tribulation, and A Forest of Stars come to mind. Thinking that “alternative” or psychedlic black metal might work, I tried Oranssi Pazuzu, but the track “Uraanisula” off of their 2013 album Valonielu almost gave her a panic attack, so I’ve backed way off. Hahaha.

          • W.

            I had success with Agalloch, actually. But there are for more hits than misses. Enough to not even bother most of the time.

          • Howard Dean

            I tried Agalloch, and though the folky acoustic and more melodic guitar stuff were appreciated, the vocals were an immediate no-go. And I totally understand. If you step back and put yourself in the place of someone who doesn’t listen to metal on the reg, the moment Haughm’s weird whisper screech shit starts you would be like “why the fuck is he ruining this beautiful music by singing like that?”

          • W.

            Yuuuuuuuuuuup

          • Stockhausen

            I’ve been waiting since yesterday for you to finish this. A more peaceful ride than…

      • Óðinn

        I was acting on this TV show last year. One day, I ended up driving my own car from one location to another with poor directions, and I had Blessed are the Sick in the CD player. I arrived a bit late, and I was needed on set right away. No time to find a proper parking space. One of the ADs had to move my car for me. As I handed him the keys, I said “I’m sorry, but Morbid Angel is in the CD player and the volume is turned up.” He was cool about it though. I just thought I should warn him. It’s just one of those moments when you realize that you’re not exactly normal.

      • tigeraid

        Same, podcasts for us when travelling. Or inoffensive stuff like Katatonia or Musk-Ox.

        When I was young and trying to pick her up, I was (coincidentally, believe it or not) on an electronica binge, listening to Chemical Bros, Prodigy, etc etc… Which worked out nicely as she’s into typical ditzy girlie pop/dance stuff. A few months later when I gave up and went back to metal, she was a little surprised.

        But–she also said she was obsessed with The Simpsons, but she couldn’t even remotely keep up with my Simpsons quotes and anecdotes. So I consider it fair play.

      • atchdav

        I slowly inoculated my wife overtime. I started with Death and progressively introduced heavier bands overtime. I’m now at the point where I can listen to whatever I want.

      • NDG

        My wife has an appreciation for the classics (Dio, Sabbath, Maiden, Priest, Ozzy, etc.) but also listens to a LOT of post-rock type stuff (Mogwai, Explosions In The Sky, Múm, Sigur Rós, etc.) which can get a bit annoying at times.
        We do share a middle ground which works well for long drives but she has an aversion to most stuff with a grind, punk or hardcore edge to it.
        After being married for ten years I have a pretty good idea of what she will get into and what she won’t. Surprisingly she doesn’t really appreciate any newer stuff that harks back to the days of old. She has no time for Sumerlands, High Spirits or Eternal Champion…in fact, she openly mocks them.

    • Rob M

      …and never drag them to a show either. It just ends badly for everyone

      • Howard Dean

        Yep. To a “normie,” that dude with the “cool” vest and Baphomet tattoo at the show is likely to look more like a reprobate ex-con, try-hard biker, or that kid that got picked on a lot in high school. I know this because I am half-normie myself and have felt this way about the crowd many times at shows. Hahahaha.

        • Rob M

          Oh man…half the fun of a festival is watching the freaks come out to play

        • W.

          I’m a sweater man myself.

          • Howard Dean

            I wore a button down to a Dead Congregation/Pissgrave show. No ragrets. I was one of only about three people in the whole venue that didn’t smell like shit, too. I didn’t realize B.O. was a byproduct of death metal, but it apparently is.

            I actually wear sweaters pretty often myself. (Note: I’m imagining all of the ToH regulars readying their torches and pitchforks, ready to ride me out of town on a rail as the guy who listens to Bestial Warlust but wears a sweater and tie to work).

          • Rob M

            Well, when youre vest is mostly held together by dirt and sweat its not like you can afford to wash it

          • W.

            You and I are probably closer in fashion sense to each other than to anyone else. I’m honestly okay with not looking like a metalhead.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            At the moment I don’t even own any band shirts anymore. Can’t really find a lot of opportunities to wear them anyway.
            My line of work requires quite a lot of networking so I always have to dress smart.

          • W.

            I don’t have tenure yet, so I can’t just let myself go completely.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            The funny thing is that I also get to meet quite a few shady dudes from time to time. One client is a local full patch member of a well known OMG. We had a cool talk about Black Sabbath once.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            That’s the good thing about my job, is online store, and we work out of a warehouse, my boss doesn’t care about music, or look at all, as long as you get the job done.

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I wear sweaters, Polos, buttondown shirts and cargo shorts a lot.

          • Howard Dean
          • Óðinn
          • Dave Vincent’s Perm
          • Howard Dean

            Yeah dude. October 2014. They toured with Dead Congregation and Mausoleum on a mini-tour in the northeastern U.S. Fucking awesome.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            I’m 30, and last month i went to a “late” show at least to my standards, to where the main band takes the stage at 12:15 Pm, which i haven’t gone to those kind of shows in almost a decade, it was Deafheaven, inter arma, No Carcass unfortunately at the show, i think i was one of the only one dress in regular shorts and plain T-shirt, most of the younger kids, was with Black shirts, and the B.O. was real present.

    • I wrote an article about this very situation, in regards to metalheads using the jukebox at a bar

      • Howard Dean

        I remember reading that article Jimmy! I think I may have made a similar comment on that very article.

        • Metalheads have a duty to ease normies into it, not scare them off. The genre will never thrive if folks keep it closely guarded like some limited resource.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Well, it’s been going strong for damn near 50 years.

          • It just bums me out that the profession of Heavy Metal Musician isn’t lucrative enough to lure more gifted artists out there. And with all the bullshit low-hanging fruit bands cashing in on major success–
            Sorry I’m rambling.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Humans ruin everything. Simple as that.

          • nbm02ss

            I view bar jukeboxes as fair game for whatever: “I tolerated your Lil Wayne, you can tolerate my Electric Wizard”.

          • I can see that side of the coin, for any artist who starts with “Lil”.
            When I feel the need to punish folks, I pick Salisbury by Uriah Heep (16 minutes of glory)

          • nbm02ss

            Sure, it’s good to be considerate of folks, but when you live in a college town there’s only so much Florida Georgia Line one can stomach.

          • Oh my. There’s a band called that? Curiosity may get the best of me……

          • nbm02ss

            Don’t do it, man.

          • Óðinn

            I just Googled “Florida Georgia Line”. It’s something terrible.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Truly. I’ve probably only heard one song by them (but who knows, it all blurs together after a while), but goddamnit did I hear it a LOT. I can still perfectly hear the chorus in my head. Only the embed of that band Withered in the article is saving my sanity.

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I’d personally pick something like July Morning if I wanted to blast Heep on a jukebox. Free Me and anything off Firefly or Conquest is for people who don’t anger me. Abominog or Magicians Birthday are for the people who anger me. Also I love Salisbury but I never liked the debut.

          • Howard Dean

            Full version of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” by Iron Butterfly will also work in these situations.

          • Sir Crawfish The Based

            Good.

    • I’m the same. When I’m driving my roomate I usually play something that’s more his style. Rock mostly. He doesn’t like extreme metal and I’m not about to force it down his throat when I have no problem listening to clutch or avenged sevenfold for a bit.

      • Óðinn

        I was with you until “avenged sevenfold” 😉

        • Eh I’ll always have a soft spot for those guys because they were my gateway. And honestly the new album is the best thing they’ve written in a long time. They’re typical fans don’t like it so you know it’s good.

          • Óðinn

            Clutch though >>>>>>>>>>>

    • nbm02ss

      I’m more of a, “when in Rome” and “hands off the stereo”, kind of person.

      Might be why I’m single.

    • Óðinn

      Yup. Normies get pissed if you blast Behexen at full volume while they’re in the car with you.

      https://youtu.be/NCRzWeAtgVI

    • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

      Exactly. There are better ways to torture people. And trying to do it with music I enjoy isn’t really one of them.

      It more involve lots of sharp objects and a stack of Uwe Boll films.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Infrasound seems like it would be better sonic abuse. Or telling people stories that don’t go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville…

    • NDG

      I also agree. One thing I have noticed over the years that you may be blasting some super sweet Carcass tunes but to the uninitiated it all sounds like Slipknot, Disturbed or Rammstein.

  • nbm02ss

    Going by this scale Dictus Te Necare is a 4/5. Landfermann’s tortured vocal delivery makes many a normie uncomfy.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ft9xohS1uEs&index=7&list=PLP8l6NoPG2JhSzHXEeH8ojFwv_fAWAlM5

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Mandatory upvote.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

    Anything past 2 out of 5 isn’t for me.

    • Fingers crossed your threshold goes up over time, spending time on this very blog

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I’m hoping for a -2 for ‘ole JJD.

      • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

        My taste is getting progressively less heavy as I go.

        • Rob M

          Interesting…I found my desire for a heavier or more extreme style only increased the longer I listened to metal…Honestly have a hard time going backwards with certain genres like black or death metal

          • I’m the same. Certain bands that got me into death metal like revocation and sylosis for example don’t really do much for me anymore.

          • Rob M

            Theres a couple..like Amon Amarth or Amorphis…but most just sound too clean and artificial to my ears now

        • CyberneticOrganism

          You’re going the wrong way!

      • KyleJMcBride

        Since I don’t listen to Black or Death I’d say between 3-4 Normies at best.

        • Yeah, I’d say most folks can tolerate Devil’s Mint metal!

    • Man it sure would suck if you frequented a blog that mostly posted about music past 2/5.

      • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

        I’m never going to leave.

        • It’s OK bb, no one wants you to

  • I consider myself an authority on what is heavy. The bar was set with Disembodied and while some have approached this, they have not surpassed it.
    https://youtu.be/ZpzSbtqiXTg

  • Count_Breznak
    • Black Sheep Wall= Heavy As Fvck. This is off the scale!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Sounds like Godflesh fed through an HM-2

    • Waynecro

      BLACK SHEEP WALL!!!

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Why is this considered lolbuttz? This should be considered “law”

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Are you, are you suggesting I’m a perv? Is this what you’re saying Dubz? IS IT!?

    • W.

      I didn’t know it was open to debate.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        I mean, you’re not wrong. But way to out me like that.

  • Max

    This is actually just about the most accurate system I’ve yet seen proposed.

  • I carpooled with my brother to work earlier this year, and that particular NORMIE (hiss) tapped out the moment the screaming hit.

  • Old Man Doom

    “I guarantee that blaring some Phobia while acting as the DD will ensure that you’ll never be given that job again”

    Can confirm the effectiveness of this strategy, with the exception of substituting Phobia for Nails and Macgrubergrinder.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFyU6NFrfFM

  • Harsh Noise will score a 5/5 every time.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Noise can be paradoxically soothing. I bet most normies would dig Merzbow pretty easy. Wold or PKWST (was listening to Vvltvs the other day, good stuff), maybe a bit longer. Sure it wouldn’t be too long though.

  • Waynecro

    This is some good-ass science, Dubya. I don’t hang out with other people, so I can’t really use direct reactions to gauge the heaviness of my jams. I think I listen to a few 5s, but I’ll know for sure if the neighbors ever call the police to report a murder they think is happening because of the music blasting in my garage gym.

  • Guppusmaximus

    I think the sentiment has already been stated here but if most people are going to tell you to “turn that crap off” within minutes if not seconds of you playing even the most benign ‘Extreme’ music then, to me,that factor isn’t a legitimate quantifier, IMHO.

    I would stick with the historically accurate term based on Groove even though Pantera almost ruined it with that fucking pointless, just for the sake of being heavy, foray known as ‘Far Beyond Driven’. Because ‘Pinnacle of Bedlam’.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hB0DMostwuM&list=PLRTGDivutDkfPRSOVq_Whu9OJpkdrjtdH&index=2