A Day in the Life ov Mailmanbro

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As the title explicitly suggests, word for word, this is A Day in the Life ov Mailmanbro. Come spend a day in the shoes of the only person who makes your life worth living. Enter at your own risk (ov metallic boner).

12:16 pm: Wake up from dreams of endless meat chandeliers. Stumble to the toilet for massive piss. Snatch up toilet-side bong for massive bong-rip. Break wind, flush, briefly indulge idle homicide-fantasy. Check reflection in mirror; see gaping black hole.

12:33 pm: Whisky for breakfast.

12:59: Stop by the home of Hans, rip the bong, drop off items from Ballast, Rue Morgue, Cold Institution and, your favorite–Bong Ripper.

 

1:09 pm: Visit Antoine D. (of motherfluffin Cthe’ilist, y’all), bringing gifts of Pagan Altar, Slough Feg, Lör, and Demilich. Recall wet dream involving members of Slough Feg and Demilich. Contemplate keeping packages for yourself. Do the right thing instead.

 

1:34 pm: Hit up the domicile of Sweetooth0. Drop off goodies from  Forsaken Rite, a rad as fuck Toilet ov Hell Mix Tape, and some properly packaged non-damaged NiN vinyl. (The last time you delivered vinyl from NiN it was all jacked up because your last girlfriend left you for a guitar tech she met at a NiN show and you are still salty about it.)

 

3:03 pm: After blacking out for one hour and twenty-nine minutes (possibly entering a fugue state in which you are Carrie Page from Odessa), regain consciousness on the doorstep of Megan A. Deliver unto her a horrific bounty of Extremity, Undergang and Phrenelith. Bestow upon her the Official USPS award for Most Riffs Per Haul.

 

3:18 pm: Now frolic on to the office of Detective Jimmy McNulty, ferrying live show merch from Marduk (gasp!) and CDs by Pyrrhon (hipster trash) and Lör (LARPer trash). Thank him for his services; redeem ticket for one (1) hug.

 

3:41 pm: Somehow locate the imaginary land of Finland on your Flat Earth Map. Wander into the forested hills until you find Karhu passed out drunk on a big rock. Fling gifts of The Carnival, Skepticism, Vainaja and Tusmörke at him until he stirs. Heap general derision upon him; flee in paroxysms of needlessly ominous laughter.

 

3:55 pm: Whisky for lunch.

4:20 pm: Swoop on down to Australia. Knock with needless ardor on the door of Lacertilian. Rip bong in his face; offer none. Hand over the Nocturnus CD and Virus shirt he ordered. Begrudgingly commend him for finally getting hip to the glory that is Virus. Ask to use his toilet. Take monster hands-free piss, splashing urine everywhere. Flush toilet–just to watch the water swirl in the Wrong Fucking Direction.

 

4:27 pm: Whisky snack.

4:28 pm: Skip Edward’s house because Edward didn’t order anything for you to bring. Edward doesn’t give a toss about your livelihood or job security.

 

4:29 pm: Tigeraid awaits. Take monster dump on his doorstep. Leave box containing stuff from Anciients and Dead Quiet too. (His photo came in rotated 90º counter-clockwise. I fixed it.)

 

4:40 pm: Pull mail truck over to side of road; sob inexplicably for hours.

6:66 pm: Bring the classy af Slipjackthewanderer a classy af haul of Sannhet, Pyrrhon, Convverge and Haunnter/Blacck Vvice. Bring him a dead bird too, just cuz.

 

7:77 pm: Enter secondary fugue state in which you play stunt-cock for several prestigious Hollywood actors in “steamy” erotic thrillers.

Midnight: Drive mail van through the front door of Elegant Gazing Globe. Drop off Arch/Matheos vinyl and Toilet ov Hell Mix Tape and peal the fuck outta there. (Look closely and you can see the Mr. Globe giving me you the finger in the glossy reflection. Clever girl.)

 

3:00 am: ???

3:33 am: Wake up on a strange toilet in a strange bathroom. Note the vomit and blood spattered over various nearby surfaces. Only one item left in your mail bag. A CD by Polvo. Not even metal–this must be Richter’s toilet. (Plot Twist: It’s your toilet too because Richter is just another one of your many fugue identities.)


Das owl for this month people. If you’re a dirty lurker or a Mailmanbro naysayer who secretly yearns to get in on the action, find your way to the Toilet ov Hell facebook group and fill out the requisite paperwork.

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  • Loving that sweet spaceship on the Nocturnus album cover, gonna have to check them out.

  • I love u, Mailmanbro.

  • Dubby Fresh

    How late does the mailhuman on your block arrive? Our mailhuman keeps pretty erratic (and erotic) hours, even delivering a package to me personally on a Sunday one time!

    • We’ve caught our mailfemale sneaking up to our mailbox and putting one of those “you weren’t home, pick up your package at the post office” things a bunch of times. What benefit that is to her, I don’t know, since she still has to come to our door, but it’s weird.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        UPS does that all the time. Supposedly because it is faster to just leave the notice and take off than it is to knock and wait for you to come to the door. USPS has never done that to me, to be honest

    • Joaquin Stick

      Since arriving in the city, I can’t figure out my mail system at all. UPS and USPS will come like 4 times each between like 2-6. It’s really annoying when you know they are supposed to bring you something that day, but then it takes 2 more trucks to actually deliver it when other people in the building are getting their sweet sweet packages.

      • Dubby Fresh

        I’m fairly certain the truck that drives one direction down the street does not in fact deliver mail on the other side of the street.

        • Out where I live, the mail man will drive down the wrong side of the road to deliver mail on the other side of the fucking street. Dangerous. Figured you would appreciate how dumb that was.

          • Dubby Fresh

            If I lived there I would give him a piece of my mind.

          • You are right. I will shoot out his tires the next time I see him.

          • Howard Dean

            Haha, sounds similar to my mailpeeps (who I fucking despise, but I digress). They deliver mail in regular pedestrian cars, so they either wrong-side-of-the-road it like you described or they have to slide over to the passenger seat to put mail in the box. Derp.

    • Mine is always parked at the mailboxes, as if he’s not allowed to leave.

  • Howard Dean

    The bro that ordered Traveller, Hardworlder, and Down Among the Deadmen wins. Those are essential albums for all metal fans (I’d throw in Animal Spirits, as well). The Lord Weird Slough Feg >>>>>>>>>>>

    P.S. How the fuck do you pronounce Cthe’ilist? Whenever I see that name my mind automatically fills it in as “Cellist,” but I know y’all ain’t no Yo-Yo Ma motherfuckers.

    • Dubby Fresh

      I just say Chuh-Thee-Illest

      • Howard Dean

        I also enjoy attempting to pronounce their song titled “Vecoiitn’aphnat’smaala.” That’s some straight-up Les Legions Noire nonsense.

        • Dubby Fresh

          Half the embarrassment from talking about metal with other people irl is realizing you have no clue how to pronounce half the bands you like. “Hey, you ever checked out this band Meegluh?”

          • Howard Dean

            The good thing for me is that I actually never talk about metal with people IRL (for real), so I mostly avoid this embarrassment. However, I am still learning how to pronounce lots of words I’ve never heard said aloud, so I sometimes second guess myself after the fact and really hope that I didn’t say it wrong (which is definitely embarrassing).

          • Dubby Fresh

            I don’t really talk about it with normies unless they expressly ask me (which has happened a number of times at my current job, oddly enough). But I recall Leif Bearikson and I trying to figure out how to pronounce something one day when we were enjoying coffee together.

        • Antoine D.

          Yeah, every family reunion always get to this point: ” Sooooo how’s your band called again?”

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            Throat-wobbler Mangrove.

    • Antoine D.

      Prounouce it how you want. In the end, it’s only an anagram for ”It’s the chili” because it’s delicious

  • ALL I GET IN THE MAIL ARE FUCKING BILLS. GOD DAMNIT I SUCK.

    https://www.dpandl.com/images/uploads/how-to-read-your-bill.jpg

    • d00d you moved to Main Street?

    • Howard Dean

      Helllo good sirs! My name is Ahmed the Nigerian Prince and I have special opportunitty for you! I will send special Royal approvals notice to your account Numberd 105786111 1 for three free years of electricity if you but choose to send $10000 USD investment to my oil & gas research firms. Plz respond sooon as opportunity won’t not last!!!1″

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Mmmmm, The Downward Spiral. I’m rarely averse to hyperbole, but in this case I think a good case for God tier of decade could be made.

    Thriller is a good score too, from memory that one does a lot of unexpected leaping into insane scalper prices. Really hope Vibenius’s other notable, Breaking Point, gets a good release some day as well.

  • RJA

    Polvo – nice! good band. I just got this bad boy on vinyl – pretty pumped!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f512c0a2a6551a2d958c313f1aa143a950819668571cf145237eb0d181ed1f29.jpg

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?

      • RJA

        So good! I need to give some time to the new one here soon.

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          It is superior, in my opinion.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Antoine wins. Flawless victory.

    • Antoine D.

      Hail

  • KJM, Blood Farmer

    “Carrie Page from Odessa”

    I see what you did there

  • tigeraid

    I want to be salty about my photo orientation, but your prose eases all pain, Richter.

  • Hans

    Worth the wait. And what a twist!