Jurassic World: A Film Review by a Blind Dinosaur

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On June 11, 1993 the world received a gift in the form of a movie called Jurassic Park, directed by Steven Spielberg based off a novel written by Michael Crichton. It currently has a 93% on the TomatoMeter, an 8.1 on IMDB, and is considered to be a classic in contemporary American cinema by many (no citation). Studios attempted a sequel in 1997, a threequel in 2001, and now in 2015 director Colin Trevorrow has given us the next follow-up in the series: Jurassic World. Does it measure up to the original? At least, does it improve upon the much maligned sequels? Find out in my review of the film below.

After 20+ years since the opening of the original park, audiences have become immune to the *regular* dinosaurs of old; who cares about a Tyrannosaurs Rex when we can see it in movies and in video games? Here’s the park’s answer: genetically modify a NEW, hybrid breed of dinosaur (at the request of an InGen higher-up) to provide more thrills to the younger, cellphone-carrying crowd. In this universe Dr. Henry Wu (BD Wong, replaying his role from the original film) has bred the Indominus Rex, who has a couple of super-powers like the ability to camouflage from… infrared detectors. Meanwhile the security team at Jurassic World, including velociraptor trainer Owen Grady (Chris Pratt), may have a secret agenda up their sleeves involving the dinosaurs.

chris_pratt

(The attractive male protagonist, Owen.)

It just wouldn’t be a true American film without a pretty, female protagonist who serves as a love interest, right? Let me introduce Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard): the pretty, female protagonist who serves as a love interest to Owen… and also parks operations manager. They’re not compatible right away, of course, as we find out that they had dated once in the past and it didn’t go too well. So now somehow she finds a way to resist his good looks and gritty charm; but that could potentially change throughout the course of the film! Claire is initially tasked with taking care of her two nephews (about whom we really don’t care that much) but she’s so wrapped up in her job that she lets the kids roam the park alone. This fact is important because things are going to go awry. It’s a Jurassic Park film.

b_d_h

(The attractive female protagonist, Claire.)

And go awry, they do. The Indominus Rex finds a way to escape its paddock (enhanced intelligence remember), scrapes off its own GPS-tracking device, and wreaks havoc on both visitors and other dinosaurs in the park. Head of security Vic Hoskins (Vincent D’Onofrio) shows more concern with training dinosaurs to become weapons for the U.S. government than saving lives. Claire’s nephews manage to escape the park’s lock-down procedures and find themselves in great danger, escaping attack after attack. Other dinosaurs in the park, such as the Pterodactyls, are panicking for their own survival and therefore chomping on visitors. Owen takes control of security and utilizes his trained velociraptors to help take the Indominus Rex down; and Claire over goes a major character change from corporate stuffed shirt to badass heroine.

vincent

(Vic’s shirt is too tight in the film.)

So at some point we should care about the main characters, right?  I’m sorry to inform you that this point never occurs in the film and you’re just left admiring how dimmadarn beautiful Chris Pratt and Bryce-Dallas Howard are. There’s not enough screen-time, backstory, or likable attributes to make any of the characters important. Take for instance Claire’s nephews Zack and Grey: the movie gives them some dialogue in attempt to give them weight as threats, but they just come off as annoying. We sympathize with the younger kid but his older brother you just want to become dinosaur dinner. This isn’t like Timothy and Lex (from the first film) with whom we had spent much time and excellent dialogue to become accustomed.

Whereas in the original 1993 film, scenes like the T-Rex attack upon the jeeps and the velociraptor invasion of the kitchen, Jurassic World doesn’t have a single moment of tension contained within. I never felt a moment of intensity during the entire two-hour runtime, a feeling only exacerbated by not caring about any of the characters. A summer blockbuster can be enjoyed on a purely superficial level — a feeling I was ready to attach to Jurassic World — but audiences need to be scared, need to feel the emotional response of danger to their favorite characters. Colin Trevorrow hasn’t made a terrible film, just one in which we (the viewer) have little to no emotional investment. Let’s add the fact that the dialogue is beyond bad, even cringe-worthy, which adds insult to injury considering the original Jurassic Park was a GOLDMINE of excellent, quotable lines.

Jurassic World never touches the greatness of the original. Sure it does a better job than its two sequels; but is that really saying much? Bad dialogue, lack of tension, predictability, no Jeff Golblum, and cardboard cut-out characters plague this movie from start to finish. Having said that, there ARE a few redeeming qualities: no dinosaur attack on the mainland (grrr, Lost World), no dinosaur-fossil-turned-whistle (Jurassic Park III, plz), and a completely awesome visit from a popular character from the first film (a surprise that you’ll find during the film’s climactic battle). The pros do not outweigh the cons, therefore I give Jurassic World:

tumblr_inline_npgku1IJDc1r9kqfb_500

(image via, via, viavia, via)

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  • Maik Bozinton™

    Thankyousaurus

  • We r going 2 need a bigger boat.

  • nbm02ss

    The constant references to the original bugged the hell out of me. The assistant got brutalized. Even as a fan of horror movies, that scene was a little excessive for me; would have been way better as a villain death.

    • That poor gal probably had the most brutal death in all the series. I remember thinking it seemed a bit extreme for an assistant who had the task of babysitting dumped on her by a shitty aunt.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I loathe knowing winks at the audience. References, nods, homages, inside jokes etc are the fucking worst. “Oh hey, it’s the old T-rex paddock from 1993! Wow there’s a wrecked jeep at the bottom!” Fuck off.

    • Disgustache

      Not to mention the blatant fucking product placement of Mercedes, Ben and Jerry’s, and Starbucks.

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
  • I remember that I was heavy scared with the velociraptor kitchen scene when I was a kid. Even when I wasn’t a fan of the movie, that scene was perfectly done.

    Well. If my nephew wants to watch this movie I will tell that a blind dinosaur told me that I have to flush it.

    • ME GORAK™

      IT EVEN MORE SCARY IF YOU REALLY SURVIVE VELOCIRAPTOR CHASE!!!!!

    • ding-ding-ding, we found one person who doesn’t like the original JP??

      • I am indifferent to it. I saw it like three times in the TV, but in the boring sundays.

      • Le Tapir The Based

        Make that two, Jimmy boy.

        • oh c’mon, you normally like everything!

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Am I tasting a little bitt of sarcasm, M’lady?

          • yes. it’s friday and i can’t think of anything funny

          • Le Tapir The Based

            McNulty not being able to think of anything funny? That’s something new.

          • Am I tasting a little bitt of sarcasm, M’tapir?

          • Le Tapir The Based

            I actually don’t know if I was being sarcastic or not.

  • Void Dweller

    Saw the first one in the theater. All the ones after that could not live up to it. And this new one looked dumber than shit.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      Yet it is the 5th highest grossing film of all time. I’d rather spend 8 bucks on a quality beer.

      • Void Dweller

        Yes.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Let’s all leave work and do that now.

        • Void Dweller

          About sums it up.

          • Howard Dean
          • CyberneticOrganism

            Toilet Ov Happy Hour

          • SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS EBRYBODY OR GTFO

          • CyberneticOrganism

            BEER BONG THROUGH AN F-150 TAILPIPE OR GTFO, BRO

          • FWIW…I have witnessed someone bonging a beer through a barrel of a Remington 870 shotgun.

            GL

          • CyberneticOrganism

            A future Darwin Award winner

          • Although stupid, one cannot shotgun beer through a shotgun unless the round is out of the chamber. So that is a.. errr.. plus!

            GL

      • sweetooth0

        It was mildly amusing, and I’ll give it points for being slightly better than the the first two sequels, but that’s about it. It also features some of the most unbelievably stupid sequences in the summer movie season (bitch outruns a fuckin t-rex in high heels!).

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Yah, the heels part is laughably dumb.

          • sweetooth0

            remember how they were barely able to escape it in a jeep in part 1, yeah the filmakers of part 4 apparently don’t, even though part 4 is almost a carbon copy of the story beats of part 1. derp

        • Disgustache

          I hate that movies are now reduced to this, though. Have you ever heard anyone say anything other than “It was alright. Not awesome, but not bad.”

          That’s why people keep making shit movies, because people go to them. We don’t expect anything quality anymore. We are happy with mediocre bullshit.

          • sweetooth0

            I wanted it to be awesome though. I love me some dinosaurs

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            It seems the common thread here for people who enjoyed it is a love of dinos.

          • Disgustache

            Next Toilet write up should be about dino-centric metal albums.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            There aren’t nearly enough. The Vomiting Dinosaurs are pretty tight.

          • Void Dweller

            Bunch of 5 year olds…

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer
          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
          • Disgustache

            What’s a pederass?

          • Drewcifer

            is pederast* = ia (usually erotic) homosexual relationship between an adult male and a pubescent or adolescent male. The word pederasty derives from Greek (paiderastia) “love of boys”

          • Disgustache

            We all did. We all did.

          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

            Especially when they eat humans.

          • sweetooth0

            Yeah, my ultimate dream movie would be if they took Jurassic Park the movie and added in all of the brutal gore and killings from the book.

          • sweetooth0

            My family rented Carnosaur on X-mas eve one year.

          • The Fish Boz

            DUDE! I rented Carnosaur on VHS when I was a tiny little fish god.

          • sweetooth0

            we sort of had an unspoken tradition of renting some horribly violent non x-mas spirit type of movies every year for x-mas eve. Always got a kick out of it. I remember sitting down with the family to watch Blade and right after the blood rave my mom says “well, merry christmas”

          • The Fish Boz

            Must have been a blast. My family used to watch shitty gory films together all the time too.

            Candyman had me shitting my pants as a kid.

          • sweetooth0

            Every 2dollar Tuesday at the video store my dad would rent movies and when he’d get home he’d tell us “it’ll be great, nothing but gratuitous violence and no socially redeeming values”

          • The Fish Boz

            the only part I didn’t like was that my mom used to scare me and my sister after said movies.

          • sweetooth0

            Mad Max Fury Road was AWESOME though, so there’s that. I also thought Age of Ultron was pretty awesome too, especially the hulkbuster battle

    • Disgustache

      It was dumber than shit.

    • As a pile of shit, I’m offended

      • Void Dweller

        Apologies.

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    Gurp gon be mad.

  • I actually enjoyed watching the movie #toiletconfessions

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      The writing is terrible, the plot has loopholes, and the running in high heels was laughably dumb, but the nostalgic kid in me who wanted to be a paleontologist enjoyed it. Also, the end scene was a nice homage to kaiju movies.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      You are just saying that because you were Chris Pratt’s trainer.

    • i bet you were jamming Weird Al’s Jurassic Park as a kid
      #WeirdAlConnections

  • Howard Dean

    Ugh. I have a feeling this movie would leave this kind of taste in my mouth:

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/1583327/bear-grylls-eats-giant-larva-o.gif

    • downvote cuz terrible, son.

    • The Fish Boz

      There’s a wormy animal called “turu” here that lives on tree trunks. People say it’s aphrodisiac, and they break a piece of the tree, grab the turu from inside and shoot it straight down their throats.

    • Mother Shabubu 4

  • Disgustache

    I’ll probably get crucified for this, but I really really disliked this movie. So many things rustled my jimmies on it.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      You’ve literally stated the opinion of both the OP and the majority of commenters. Crucifixion incoming, undoubtedly.

      • Disgustache

        I must confess, I didn’t read the article. I just saw the Jurassic World logo and got instantly pissed off.

    • didn’t like it either, and i can’t believe how high its score is on rotten tomatoes

  • I am still looking forward to watching this. Maybe once it is out on DVD?

    Sweet.

    GL

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    FACT: I haven’t seen a new movie or a movie in theaters since Elysium.

    • Ouch. If I saw that in theaters I’d never go back either . . .

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        I liked it at first, but quickly found plot holes the size of craters that even Sharlto Copley’s sadistic character couldn’t fill.

    • KJM

      The last one I saw in theaters was The Conjuring, and the next one I see will be The Force Awakens.

      • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

        Do you think The Force Awakens will be good?

        • KJM

          I’m mostly psyched about the emphasis on practical FX rather than CGI, but I think it will be better than episodes I-III.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            I’m much more defensive (and critical) of my nerd obsessions than I am big dumb dinosaur/monster movies. The Hobbit was utterly disappointing. I still haven’t watched the third one.

          • KJM

            Hobbit didn’t even come close to LOTR.

          • Scrimm

            Neither have I

          • KJM

            I saw all 3. They were ok, but suffer in comparison to the previous movies and that’s being nice..

          • Scrimm

            I saw the first two. Pretty much.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Guh, the Hobbit movies are terrible.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

            Yah, they left quite the sour taste in my Tolkien-loving mouth.

            Wait, that didn’t come out right.

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        I saw The Conjuring the same day, but it was pretty predictable. That is not to say I wasn’t scared shitless in my bed that night at every creek or bump.

    • i can see how a movie like that put a bad taste in your mouth

  • Disgustache
  • Sequels/Reboots are almost always nowhere as good as the original. Thank you for giving this the trashing it rightfully deserves.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
      • Disgustache

        This is one of the few sequels that was fucking amazing. Almost better than the original.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          You could probably make the argument for Empire Strikes Back too.

          • Disgustache
          • Disgustache

            I have my Empire Strikes Back coffee mug permanently on my desk.

          • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

            I sort of enjoy Phantasm 2 better than the 1st. I may get some shit for that one.

          • Lacertilinger

            Terminator 2 is a great sequel that is often rated higher than the original as well.
            Edit:Nevermind, the gif above just loaded and now I will leave the hall head betwixt legs.

      • What’s this from? I must see this person get stabbed in the head.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          Terminator 2 Judgment Day.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Negative. The T-1000 will definitely try to reacquire you there.

    • The Fish Boz

      I wish they were just as rentable as they are good. Sadly, that’s not the case so the studios will keep churning out this shit because it’s a safer investment and most people will still eat it up.

      • Can’t wait for the Scarface remake. They’re gonna fall flat on their faces with that one. Go make another Scooby Doo reboot stupid Hollywood jerkoffs!

        • KJM

          Scarface? Again?

          • Yup, that one’s sacred. You don’t touch that one.

        • The Fish Boz

          I didn’t even know they were shooting a Scarface remake. I hope it’s atrocious.

        • JW(E)G

          Considering that you’re probably not referring to the 1932 film but rather it’s remake, I can’t fully muster the indignation over that one being remade.

          Not that I didn’t try to do so, it just felt hollow knowing that something great came from the first remake. The most I can do is suggest they should have waited until the De Palma version’s own 51 year anniversary too (2034).

          • I feel like it has something to do with it’s popularity within hip hop culture. Whatever the reason, it sounds like a cash grab to me.

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      @ignatiusthewizened:disqus

  • This song is appropriate for this discussion.
    http://youtu.be/gl5ak06X788

  • Scrimm

    Hated this movie. So bad. I laughed out loud several times, but always for the wrong reasons.

    • helicopter scene was pretty lolzy

      • Scrimm

        There’s a shot at the end of one of the raptors that almost made me piss myself.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    I’m excited. The “Misfits” are coming to my area to perform Static Age. I’m so going to that because they’re good live.

    • Disgustache

      I’m very conflicted as to how I should feel about this. 16 year old me is jealous. Jaded current me is not jealous, because it’s not the OG band, and they’re all like 85 now. Still tight.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I enjoyed them when I saw them and I don’t want to miss them perform a classic album like Static Age. Plus, even though people don’t like Jerry Only he is a very nice guy.

    • Le Tapir The Based

      Will your parents let you go? I thought you had a problem with them.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        They’ll let me go. It’s in my area so they probably won’t care. I’m also going to see Mushroomhead in August and possibly Nonpoint next Friday.

        • I’m glad for you, JJD! 🙂 Have fun, buy merch and punch everyone.

          • Le Tapir The Based

            Tapir hint: punching everyone may lead to trouble. Only punch every other person.

        • Le Tapir The Based

          Well that’s a good. Have fun!

  • I went in with little to no expectations and thoroughly enjoyed it. While I think the original one is far better, I wasn’t bored in this one like I was for most of Jurassic Park 2. Unfortunately, when I was about six, I saw Jurassic Park 3 about ten times in the theater. Sadly as a kid, action was basically the only thing that interested me in movies. Whereas now I hunt for interesting plot, I still really enjoyed this movie and thought it was better than Jurassic Park 2 or 3.

  • tertius_decimus

    Brilliant review, HeSaurus! Cosigned.

    I have to add that product placement in the movie is all over the place. I like few models of Mercedes (goode’ ole’ W126 for example or new C-klasse w205) but in the movie it got ridiculous. The brand almost jumps from beyond the screen to say “BUY ME! BUY!”.