BREAKING: Metal Gnus

Hot off the press! News featuring – Metallica, Anthrax, Pantera, Megadeth, Despised Icon, Mgła, Swans, Disturbed, Bring Me The Horizon, The Red Chord, Parkway Drive, Nails, Mastodon, Gojira, The Faceless and more!

  • Mastodon and Gojira in race to become first band to play inside a whale.

  • Adding to the backstage drama with punk legends Bad Religion at Resurrection Fest recently, pop-core band Bring Me The Horizon have added some extra requests to their tour rider. In order to play at future events, the band insist on being delivered a Nintendo Wii each, 13 packets of bubblegum candy cigarettes, several pairs of “Spideyman” underwear, and an actual horizon.

  • Chris Barnes completes remedial English course after mentally exhausting twitter feud with intellectually superior 14 year-old close-up-boy-student-reading-books-class-s1321mart-classroom-31542970“troll”. Announces reissues of full back catalogue after correcting the spelling on his entire discography worth of lyrics.

  • Bob Rock loses right to last name after supreme court ruling that he has indeed “never rocked”.

  • The long awaited, oft-debated Pantera reunion has finally been given the go ahead, albeit with some minor caveats. The Zakk Wylde-led tour has only acquired the rights to play Dimebag’s pinch harmonics and will feature no original members.

  • 13652687_1618976225081006_2081925940_nXortesqth (Xavier Mortenson Esquire), the reclusive dungeon-synth legend behind the seminal Stone Kissed Squalls triptych of albums has been trapped in his basement-cum-recording studio for over 4 hours after snapping an antique key in a recently installed medieval locking mechanism. As emergency locksmiths have been unable to fix the antiquated lockset, he now anxiously awaits the return of his mother with the only other key in existence, along with his daily mountain dew, insulin flavoured doritos, and favourite blankie.

  • To combat the supposed rampant illicit drug use at last year’s Maryland DeathFest, organisers have added veterans St. Vitus to the already stacked lineup. Word is that Scott “Wino” Weinrich will cut costs by replacing the police’s entire sniffer-dog force, performing their role by working in between sets for a 15% “finder’s fee”.



  • Despised Icon sell pig-squealing vocalist at market for a good price following a price surge in livestock commodities.

  • Experimental gore-grind band Coprophagic Haemofukk finally heed calls of “CuM 2 InDoneSia!!1!” to play in front of enthusiastic crowd of 5. Break draconian federal noise-restriction laws, face death penalty.

  • Dez Fafara quits music to pursue dream of driving for world’s first coal-powered Uber-style service.

  • rasta-glass-bong-13glass-bongs-48 Boulder 4-piece Bonglomerate miss remaining 419 dates from ambitious tour, after losing the hackey-sack during a tournament following a Colorado University concert. Deeply apologetic vocalist Bud Piper vowed to restore karma balance by weaving a replacement sack exclusively from sustainably sourced chakra-aligned body hair.


  • Mgła front-man M denies repeated claims he is the admin of popular Facebook page Nihilist Memes.

  • In a cost-cutting exercise, Michael Keene founded his own classifieds publication in order to seek out the remaining 17 tech-death musicians still willing to work with him. Duties said to include cleaning the glass on the freshly installed revolving studio door, sucking spittle from vocoders, and “getting the fuck out”.


  • Outcry The Sky good-cop vocalist fights for right to obtain PTSD payments following discharge from service mid-tour.

  • Market stabilises after djent-rate falls below 15% for the first time since 2007.

  • trump-guy-red-chord-facebookFormer The Red Chord front-man turned cop Guy Kozowyk is reportedly regretting endorsing human-Tangelo hybrid turned presidential candidate Donald Trump. After hearing of the inflamed sentient scrotum’s plan to privatise the police force, Kozowyk said he would rather revert to dealing with the misnomer of being labelled “deathcore vocalist” than “rent-a-cop”.


  • Javier Reyes has left Animals As Leaders after discovering that he was overlooked yet again by Ibanez for a new signature model guitar. The accomplished guitarist reportedly quit after Ibanez accidentally sent him a carbon copy of the email containing the specs for their new prototype the TAH11x, designed exclusively to match Tosin’s fedora range.

  • On this day in 2006: Last metal magazine subscription ever purchased.

  • Results from 5-year scientific study into the use of linguistics in metal finds bands who use umlauts try 86% harder to be offensive than non-umlaut bands. Seems some in the industry are calling bullshit already though, when questioned if the study’s results held any sway with him, we got the response “Studying is for fucking losers” from Nails front-man Tödd Jönes.

  • Survey concludes 2/3rds of all current bands are not stoner/doom.

  • Europe_countries_map_2Recently liberated former Yugoslavian state Mestphrania has dissolved over night. After decades of oppression the metal-crazed Eastern European country embraced their new independence by flaunting band merch in public. Not wanting to be the only members of the population to miss out on the festivities, their military allowed the use of battle jackets in actual battle, leaving 4300+ infantry dead and the failed-state in ruins.


  • Mustaine breaks personal record by keeping mouth closed for 18 straight seconds. Megadeth album sales increase 3475% from previous week, doubling total sales from entire last decade. Takes credit, sacks “superfluous” rest of band.

  • Worldwide poll deems Flounder least ‘metal’ fish in existence.

  • Due to the perceived topical relevance of his subject matter, Disturbed human Dave Dramamine has reportedly been the latest celebrity targeted to become a spokesperson for local shopping centre anti-vax recruitment lobby group Mall Plox.

  • Crust punks Revilent become first band to tour West coast with van run entirely on self-produced methane.

  • Shrinkotomi, the Japanese company renown for creating the technology used for 4K televisions has issued a press statement urging consumers not to bother upgrading to microtonal guitars, as they claim that their nanotonal guitars are just around the corner. The multinational electronics giant has vehemently refuted claims that the tonal differences between frets will be indistinguishable to the human ear, rendering the entire neck the equivalent of just one big fret.

  • petition started by PETA in protest proves successful as unreleased Swans album is finally set free.


  • Anthrax consider name change to Zika to regain relevancy.

  • Latvian underground black metal band Khäarntis have been jeered off stage and consequently dropped from their label Hatred Frost Productions. After a weak performance at the recent Northern Ritual festival where the band not only failed to insult more than 4 minority groups during their 35 minute set, but also committed the unforgivable offence of neglecting to meet the organiser’s quota by displaying a minimum of 6 recognised hate symbols on stage, their career is all but over.

  • Self-proclaimed “fundamentalist libertarian” noise-rock band Tax Is Theft were involved in a freak stage fire and were subsequently burned alive after denying help from fire fighters. After missing his last private health insurance payments in order to donate towards presidential candidate Gary Freemarket’s anti-charity campaign, the only surviving member remains in a critical condition, claiming he “would rather die” than accept public-funded medical attention. Forensic crews found his precious hand-me-down bootstraps in tatters.

(Image via, viaviavia, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via)

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Derp. Full Darkthrone leak.

    • Deep Lake Tresspass is the grim jam I hoped the whole album would be. Hope is dumb.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Giving up is the only way.

      • Scrimm

        That song reminds me of Arckanum

        • That’s a band I need to dive into. I’m not too familiar with their work.

          • Scrimm
          • Definitely going to check these guys out. I saw that Hells Headbangers had a lot of their albums too.

          • Scrimm

            I need to go back and get the early albums. Been a long time

          • Howard Dean

            Kostogher and Kampen are probably my favorites of the old albums. Kind of a “tale of two eras.” It’s a funny band, as I think I like Antikosmos and ÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞ just as much as I do those two early ones. It’s like he went into hiding for a decade, lost a bit of the Satanic forest gnome image, and came back as an anti-cosmic Satanist. Recipe for disaster, but the music never faltered.

          • Scrimm

            Kostogher was definitely my favorite of the old ones. I agree with you completely, enjoy all the later era albums but Antikosmos, PPPPPPPPPP and the most recent are my favorites there.

            A bit late but good to see you around again!

          • Howard Dean

            Thanks! It’s good to be back.

          • Zeke

            Wow, I’ve tried to get into arkanum so many times over the years, but none of his albums ever clicked with me. PPPPP is really good

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      The Black Sabbath worship riff in Tundra Leech hits just right.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Hahahahaha!!! That was entertaining to say the least.

    That Xortesqth album art is bad ass.

  • Celtic Frosty

    When I saw The Red Chord was in this article I thought they were releasing a new album, and now I’m double bummed, because not only are they not releasing a new album, but the vocalist endorsed Trump. Fuck this garbage day.

    • Howard Dean

      Just listen to the music and forget about what political candidate the vocalist supports. It’s the only way to maintain sanity and/or happiness. If I got bummed about the political proclivities of the people to whom I’m exposed on a regular basis, I’d have to give up on life permanently. Half of them are diehard slack-jaw Trumpettes, and the other half are madly in love with a demagogue nearly as potent as the Trumpster himself: Elizabeth Warren. It’s maddening, for sure. But just ignore it.

    • I really would love another Red Chord album, but I don’t think that will happen now that Guy is a 2016 Tackleberry. Taking a pic with Hitler 2.0 is also not a good look.

  • Scrimm

    Hahaha Bud Piper

    • Ayreonaut

      Hahaha bud hahah

  • Howard Dean

    Man, tangelos are fucking delicious. I’d like to eat a whole pile of them right now.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    Some Gnus are good for ya, new video and song by Asphyx:


      • 365ChaosRiddenDays


    • 365ChaosRiddenDays

      Oh, MARTRÖÐ has two new songs, excellent Black metal led by Alex Poole (Lithotome) along with members of Aosoth, Wormlust and Misþyrming. Some great raw darkness in 16 minutes, link here:

      • Shit, I saw that name posted this morning although I had no clue that so many rad musicians were involved.

        • 365ChaosRiddenDays

          Same for me man, well, you’re right, these musicians are rad, there is no release date yet but the band says the album will be released later this year.

    • This is awesome!

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        Oh yes Link, oh, If you like Dark Tranquillity you just have to wait till tomorrow, the single for the song “The Pitiless” will be released.

  • Jack Rabbit
    • I know I will dig this record.

      • Jack Rabbit

        I loved each song they’ve released so far of this album

    • *I* cares. Sounds pretty good! Could definitely lay by a pond or lake and reminisce about the innocence of youth to this.

      • Jack Rabbit

        Agreed, Neige’s vocals just have such a sincere and pure quality to them.

    • Eliza

      Yes, thank you, I love Alcest.

  • Joaquin Stick

    (Place “A++” Sticker Here)

  • 🔥🔥🔥

  • Keep all the Megakek gnus coming! 5 out of 7 Harambes! m/

    • I’m still waiting for this title to be true:

    • Howard Dean

      And may Stan “Footballman” Capernick’s hustles and plays live on in perpetuity in the hearts and minds of all Americans.

      • I am in a bathroom stall trying not to erupt in laughter.

    • Dental_Damnation

      This is the kind of gnus was what the toilet was founded on. It hath brought me back!

      • That’s a compliment coming from you…one of the original funny commenters on MS! I voted for you years ago for “Run MS For a Day” thing cause you are fuckin funny dude!

  • Please tell me this will be a recurring feature.

  • I lost my life with Anthrax changing name to Zika, it was hilarious!

  • Also speaking of Nails, shame they called it quits right after gaining the coveted Metal-Archives REAL Metuhl stamp of approval.

    • This stamp was given after Todd Jones declined to refer to them as Mark Ass Bitches.

      • You Will Never Be One of Us But Now We Are One of You And I Don’t Know How to Feel About It So I Broke Up the Band

  • Mother Shabubu is fucking dead
  • Eliza

    I want to go to a Gojira and Mastodon concert inside a whale.

    • Óðinn

      Sounds like a whale of a time.

  • In other news, an online petition was recently created to reclassify drone music as “Powersilence”.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    The last time I bought a metal magazine was an issue of Metal Hammer *vomits* with a p cool Suffocation poster last year.

    • It’s been a long time since I last purchased a metal magazine. Probably a year as well.

    • Óðinn

      I used to read Terrorizer magazine quite regularly.

      • Waynecro

        I’m a Decibel subscriber.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Learning the non beingness of Bonglomerate makes me a sad 🙁

  • Frown status: Upside down.

  • Waynecro

    This post made my day. Thank you, Lacertilian.

  • Óðinn
  • Dental_Damnation

    Chris Barnes story with photo had me LMAOOO

  • more beer

    Boulder the trustafarian refugee camp!

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    ToH does Metal Sucks

  • GoatForest

    Now this shit is funny.