Let’s face it. It’s tough for us hard metallers to get in the Christmas spirit. The holiday cheer, the festive lights, the expensive tambourines, none of it clicks with us heavy rockin’ bad boys. So what are we rough-and-tumble ne’er-do-wells to do around this time of year? Wallow in our vile, putrescent filth with our bargain bin tambourines? Not this year! The Toilet ov Hell has a 7 step method guaranteed to turn your I-don’t-care-much-for-Christmas frown into an I-quite-care-much-for-Christmas frown! Let’s get started!
- Fun fact: if you rearrange the letters in ‘Santa,’ you get ‘Satna.’
Haha! That’s great! Metalheads everywhere should get a kick out of that one, because Satna could maybe make a good band name or something. Like, probably black metal. Just use a couple funny accent marks, get a bunch of off-brand-but-quality tambourines, and pretend you’re from Iceland! Thanks St. Nick!
- Tilt your star on your Christmas tree.
This one is a bit of a stretch, but hang with me here. If you tilt the star to one side, it looks like that star is in the middle of a hard-rockin’ mosh dance! Then, put a perfectly fine, affordable tambourine around it to remember what the season is really about. Tambourines. You love the tambourines. You will spill blood for the tambourines.
- Remember the story of Santa’s ‘sleighers.
We all know the story. Santa uses his jolly spells to defeat the Snow Snake each Christmas Eve so he can deliver tambourines of all prices and qualities to the good children of the world. That’s why we chant “Ho ho ho, you snake of snow, melt right now and let me go!” as we writhe in ritualistic fury around a model of Santa’s sleigh. But the story rarely mentions the most metal part: Santa had help from his team of ‘sleighers,’ a group of four guys who got his sleigh ready to crash violently into every house in the world that night. Those four guys then went on to form the heavy rock band Mega Death!
- Remember Santa’s sacred treatise on tambourines.
Despite the corporate schemes telling us that only expensive name-brand tambourines are good, Santa was clear on the topic:
“All tambourines have a venerated place in Santa’s vision globes, so proudly make jangly joy with any of the most holy noise circles. Regardless of what that douchebag from the office Ted says, all my children can spew forth shaky, metallic praises. Seriously, that guy is a giant prick.”
- Replace words in classic Christmas stories with metal words.
This is fun for the whole metal family! Print out some classic Christmas songs or stories, replace some words with blanks, and get rockin’ with some serious Christmas fun!