7 Very Good Life Hacks That Will Change Everything

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You’ll wonder why you never thought of them before!

1. Dealing with shoelaces

lh1

Shoelaces may be all the rage, but it seems like all practicality is thrown right out the window for the sake of style. Sure, stumbling over your shoe strings is a small price to pay for looking sharp, but what if I told you there was a way to get rid of all the bad things about shoelaces? Using this little-known life hack, you can wear shoelaces and walk. Simultaneously! Simply take one shoelace in one hand, and the other shoe lace in another one of your hands, then begin to mash them together. With any luck, the two shoe laces will get wrapped up in each other as they are mashed together by you. The more you mash them together, the more likely the two shoelaces are to get wrapped up in each other. With enough practice, you will be able to mash your shoelaces into one another so well that they will remain wrapped up in each other for up to an hour!

2. Sitting in chairs with those handles on the side

lh2

Everyone’s favorite chairs are the chairs with those handles on the side. We can all agree that it is a good thing to have a place to put your hand while you are sitting on a chair, something to grip tightly during a particularly scary movie, or something to rub up and down when you are very lonely. But did you know that you can totally life hack some of the chairs with those handles on the side? All you have to do is grip the handle and pull it backwards towards you, almost as if it were a lever. If you pull back on the chair handle far enough, your chair will transform! The bottom of your chair will raise up to create a table that you can put your food on, and the back of the chair falls backward like a fun ride. This little secret will change the way you sit on chairs with those handles on the side forever.

3. Overcoming stage fright

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Here’s one life hack that you’ve probably all heard of, but I’m here to tell you that it actually works! We’ve grown up hearing about this little trick to overcome stage fright, but how many of us thought it would really help? I’ll echo the advice of parents and drama teachers around the world: If you’re feeling nervous, imagine that everyone in the audience pees into their own mouths because they like to do that. No matter how much of a fool you make of yourself, there’s a good chance that it is not as ridiculous as peeing into your own mouth simply because you like to do that. Once you imagine that everyone in the audience pees in their own mouths for no other reason than because they like to do that, all your fears will go away. Try it!

4. Being less lonely on top of your bed

lh4

Everyone gets lonely while they lay on top of their bed and don’t leave their house for a few days sometimes. During these times, it would really help to have someone to lay on top of your bed with you and like you a lot. Sometimes it can help to imagine that that is happening, but it can be a tough thing to do, especially for people who have trouble imagining that things are happening when those things are not really happening. Here’s a life hack for that! Get a picture of the person you wish would lay on top of your bed with you and like you a lot (you can take a picture of the person yourself and develop it, or just print one from their page on the website www.facebook.com). Once you have the picture, place it on top of your own body with the picture facing down. If you look at it, you will notice that now your body is actually touching a picture of the person you wish would lay on top of your bed with you. Once you realize that your body is touching a picture of their body, it becomes much easier to convince yourself that your body is touching their actual body, and that the person is truly on top of the bed with you. From there, it’s not too much of a stretch to imagine that this person likes you a lot. They’re laying on top of your bed with you, aren’t they? Life, consider yourself hacked.

5. Making many friends

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If you’re finding it difficult to make many friends, we have just the life hack for you. The first thing you need to know is that friends are people who like each other. If people like you, they are more likely to agree to being your friends. If many people like you, it’s possible that you will end up with many friends to have fun with. The best way for you to get as many people to like you as possible is actually pretty easy: tell a lot of lies about yourself. Tell a lot of lies to anyone you want about anything you want, but make sure they are things that make you sound better, so that many people like you and you end up with many happy friends to take thumbs-up pictures with. If you tell the truth about yourself even once, you will never have any friends. Not only does lying about yourself make many people like you, it also gives you confidence, creating a never-ending cycle that ends with great friendship. If you’re doing it right, you will notice that the more you lie about yourself, the more friends you will get, until at last you find yourself with many friends. It’s as simple as that!

6. Improving your self-image until it is very good

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Something that’s almost as important as what people think of you is what you think of yourself. Unfortunately, feeling good about yourself is something that many people find sort of difficult! We’re here to help with our second-to-last very good life hack. It’s not easy to have a good self-image when your house is full of constant reminders of how bad you are. Fix this by finding every picture of you in the house and putting it face down. Make sure it is completely flat on the table or shelf so that the very sad reminder can’t peek out at you from underneath. Once you have done that, move on to step two – turn your mirrors backwards. If your oven has a shiny, reflective door, make an effort to not crawl around on your hands and knees while in the kitchen. The same goes for your TV and living room. Without all these pesky reminders, you will find that your self-image will improve, and it will keep improving until it is very good!

7. Re-purposed grocery bags

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Grocery bags are great for putting groceries inside, and they’re great for the environment to boot. But did you know that they are also great for one other thing? Using this life hack, grocery bags can make all your pain go away. Put the bag over your head and tie it as tight as you can around your neck. Make sure no air can get through, then hold it as tight as you can for as long as you can. Do not be afraid, because soon you will never be sad again.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    The greatest life hack of all.

    • p sure lifehack #7 offered a better solution here.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Hey, as long as we’re all dead, right?

    • Vote for Jeb
      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Awwww. That kitty is so adorable.

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          GORAK LIKE PUSSIES!!!!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            That was a good joke.

          • ME GUNGA B.C.™

            JOKE????

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Wasn’t it meant to be a double entendre?

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            WILL LET YOU KNOW AFTER FIGURE OUT WHAT IS “DOUBLE ENTENDRE” USING MAGIC POWER OV GOOGLE!!!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        God damn it. It’s those damn sexy “hang in there” cats. How they vex me.

        • Vote for Jeb

          I was sending motivational cat posters to Joe, and this one seemed oddly relevant to the conversation at hand.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Because of the rope?

          • Vote for Jeb

            “When life leaves you hanging…”

  • KJM

    SATAN. The ultimate life hack.

    • Dagon

      Homie in the middle got his life hacked alright

    • I like how dramatic are the guys in the left.

      • Dagon

        It kinda looks like the guy with both his arms raised on the left is saying
        “Woah guys isn’t this getting a bit out of hand? Gee!”

  • Tyree
  • Dagon

    The end of your article was sensational.

    “Wild”
    – Guacamole Jim

    • Guacamole Jim

      Man, this shit WAS fucken wild.

  • Dagon

    “Not only does lying about yourself make many people like you, it also gives you confidence, creating a never-ending cycle that ends with great friendship. If you’re doing it right, you will notice that the more you lie about yourself, the more friends you will get, until at last you find yourself with many friends. It’s as simple as that!”

    Truer words have never been said.

  • Well that sure ended sourly.

    -Kush

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      That ending fucking ruled.

  • Vote for Jeb

    Whenever Masterpants writes something like this, I call him and leave him a long voicemail about how awesome he is. I’m applying number 5, of course, but I’d be really sad if he went through with number 7.

  • Just like a Masterlord’s eye

    The moon was dancing on the blackened Toilet

    In my sleep nothing is real, dreaming I’m dreaming

    I can feel the posers lurking

    I can feel them closing in

    I can hear their BROS chanting

    This is not a dream for a half-elf

    Dancing the Masterpants’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    Dancing the Masterunderwear’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    Cold hands, leading the way

    Through the woods and into the night

    Outside nothing is real, dreaming I’m dreaming

    I can see a fire burning

    Swollen shapes are all around

    I can see a throne of porcelain

    Thirteen we are in all

    Dancing the Masterboxers’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    Dancing the Masterbriefs’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    Before the goat of Hubert we all must take our turn

    Into the magic circle where still the poop burns

    We’re spinning round and round until one takes a fall

    The fallen one will not return, the fallen one must burn

    Just like a Joe’s eye

    The moon is dancing on the blackened Toilet

    I’m awake but nothing is real

    Dreaming not dreaming

    I can feel the Posers lurking

    I can feel them closing in

    I can hear their evil chanting

    This is not a dream at all

    Dancing the Mastersocks’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    Dancing the Masterg-strings’ dance

    Dancing the dance

    I wish this was only a dream

    A dream within a dream

    Dancing the Masterbikinis’ dance

    Dancing till death

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o8FNVVFJE8

    • Also, here is a picture of Masterloaf riding a coral hooverround that shoots loofahs (RFI).

      *pew pew*

      GL

      • JJM

        oh YOU’RE GL!

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          You didn’t know?

          • JJM

            i knew, just making sure everyone else does

        • Death

          Took you long enough.

        • Hubert

          You could have clicked on his profile to see his account name. It’s not rocket science

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Apparently, IT IS.

  • So in summation – don’t tie your shoelaces, use a convertible chair as a dinner table, imagine people pissing in their own mouths when giving a presentation, get a copy of Hustler for bedtime, lie to make more friends, remove all traces of your existence from your home for a better self image and kill yourself. A lot of good info here.

    • Thanks for summarizing that massive wall of text!

    • Consider your life #hacked

      • Vote for Jeb

        He’s showing his age. Only old farts use magazines to not feel lonely.

        • Dagon

          I use 3d printer next-gen lonely remedy

          • I just print a great number of Joe and W.’s Facebook photos and lay them over every inch of my body. Life: hacked.

          • Dagon

            Hey I think something is happening down there. MOM!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            You live an erotic lifestyle.

          • Hubert

            Everyone here does.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            How do you know?

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            The goat knows all…

          • Hubert

            I know a lot of things

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Iffy…

          • D. Lee

            That’s where Dennis got his inspiration

          • xengineofdeathx

            My life is gonna be revolutionized by these hacks. I’m #EXCITED

      • Masterlord has more hacks than Anonymous.

      • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

        *cues the dramatic life hacking music*

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5gxKXqkxbU

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I don’t think any of these would work.

      • Vote for Jeb

        Have you tried them?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I’ve tried the first one, the second one and the fifth one. The fifth one was a disaster, the first one made me trip all the time and I got my recliner dirty when I tried number 2.

          • I will admit that I still haven’t gotten number 7 to work, but I’m hoping that the 273rd time’s the charm!

          • Hubert

            Please tell us the results!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’ve tried it once with a different method than the plastic bag. I’m never doing that again.

          • Tyree

            You might want to consider trying KSOFM’s idea.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Just wait until the 666th time. Sorry, too easy.

      • I don’t know look at the guy in #4, not very happy. Apply the life hack and his life is transformed!

      • Death

        I’d at least try the last one before judging.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          The last one really is the most sensible out of the lot.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I’d rather not try the last one as I don’t plan on dying any time soon. Plus, who would use a plastic bag to do that? It’s very ineffective.

          • Death

            I’m pretty sure death won’t care about your plans.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Why wouldn’t you care about my plans?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Toilet Ov Hacks

  • Hubert

    I wanted to try these out but then I realised that I’m goat so that made it pretty difficult with the hooves and all so I gave up and continued eating.

  • I was about to try to write a dumb joke about life hacks, posers, and listening to manowar, but I decided to just try #7 instead

    • Manowar makes me want to try #7 too.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I like Manilla Road more than Manowar.

        • JJM

          same band

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            SHOTS FRED! BLAM! BLAM!

          • wowowowowow.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            My jimmies are so rustled right now.

  • JWEG

    Re: #5, I saw a poster yesterday for some local kids outdoor club that said ” make many friends, don’t add them”. I didn’t get it.

    “Wouldn’t making them also ‘add’ them to the ‘many’ you could potentially have”, I thought (yes, out loud). The store clerk shrugged and went back to work. I left…

    Later that afternoon I realized it was a reference to Facebook. I felt dumb, but at least I was alone by that point. Possibly because I add friends, not make them…

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    You are quite possibly my favorite Master who is also a Lord.

  • I am not trying to be critical of anyone, but I think the whole premise of joking about killing oneself, even though it is a joke, seems like terrible joke. Just my 2cents.

    GL

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I agree.

    • Those are people that aren’t faced to truth of being…

      ROCK BOTTOM, BEIBI!!!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyw9_VgrBls

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Yay, my favorite band! Phil Mogg is God and Michael Schenker is his only begotten son.

      • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

        Then you work your way from Rock Bottom to:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDgCmzh5ao

    • Vote for Jeb

      I think some people joke about it to relieve the tension of actually thinking about. Like, “If I joke about this, my desire to actually do it lessens because I’m reducing its severity.”

      • My comment is more geared towards making sure we do not promote (project?) such things. Which we obviously do not promote (that is not what I am saying). It just seems like bad form to “joke” about it when there is always a possibility of someone misconstruing what we are all about.

        I assumed there would be a collective rebuttal from the gallery, but I felt compelled to say what I thought.

        GL

        • Vote for Jeb

          I think it’s a worthwhile discussion to have. I don’t think anyone is angry with you for making the comment.

    • Spear

      Either everything is fair game or nothing is.

    • As someone who has personally struggled with it, sometimes joking helps you cope.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Death is all around. You can’t avoid it.

      • Guppusmaximus

        Yea, and you don’t have to speed that shit up either…lol

      • KJM

        You’ll never make it after all…

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Nope. The void welcomes us eventually.

      • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

        I’m picturing you say that in the voice of the guy from 1000 Ways To Die.

    • Hubert

      I disagree. Humour helps dealing with really real real world things, so there’s no limit in what you can make jokes on to me.

      • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

        Exactly. Look at how Richard Pryor joked about his own horrors, including jokes about him being molested as a kid (which happened) and setting himself on fire while hopped up on coke (definitely happened).

    • Tyree

      …And you like death metal?

      • The only death metal bands I like are Wovenwar, Trivium, and Whitchapel. So yeah, I guess I do.

        GL

        • Tyree

          I thought you liked Cattle Decapitation. Isn’t that a death metal band that is against Humanity basically?

          • I am not sure the point you are trying to make has anything to do with my original comment, then my follow on comment to W.

          • Tyree

            Just that Death Metal is a metal genre about death (Obviously) which comes with songs about suicide sometimes. I’m sure you’ve listened to metal songs that are about suicide that you enjoy or have enjoyed.

          • Again, my point is that we should not be joking about suicide with the concern that people would take it out of context. Not about whether or not there is music that I enjoy which sometimes pertains to suicide.

          • Tyree

            Cool, and I made mine.

        • JJM

          GOJIRA!!
          edit: whoops, joke went over me head

    • Guppusmaximus

      This…I only get concerned about what fucking mental midget out there would read this shit and not be able to discern that it was meant as a joke especially considering that this is the internet we’re talking about.

      • Vote for Jeb

        This is a tricky line between advocacy/promotion and joking/discussion. I think this post passes the “reasonable person” test, but you raise an interesting counterpoint.

        • Guppusmaximus

          No doubt…if you actually read the entire awesome “Onion-like” article then it should be a no-brainer… You should kill yourself!

    • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

      I found it hilarious, as comedy has no bounds, depending on the context. This coming from someone who’s had friends and relatives who’ve killed themselves. It’s easily discernible as a joke. It’s not like he made jokes about the Newtown shootings.

    • My two cents: every time Masterlord writes about killing himself or “one killing oneself” it warms the cockles of my heart because he is basically just writing down thoughts I’ve already had. Solidarity through humor, etc.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Why in the fuck would I want to make many friends?! Just more wasted time worrying about how to act like I give a flying fuck…

    http://i.imgur.com/wzq80xT.jpg

  • xengineofdeathx

    Would also recommend keeping a cinder block in the passenger seat of your car. It makes a great nail file! And it weighs like 20 pounds, there’s no way it’s gonna budge if you get in an accident. And if some chick sees it, she’ll probably think you’re a construction worker or something; she’ll be wringing out her underwear.

  • KJM

    SATAN is fun at parties.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    8. Don’t refer to a woman as “relatively attractive” in mixed company.

  • JamesGrimm
  • Jock Strap Full O Beef Stew

    8. Fill Your Life With Spaghettios.

  • Waynecro

    I wish I had read these awesome life hacks years ago. When I played in bands, I often struggled with stage fright. I didn’t know about imagining everyone in the crowd pissing in their own mouths, so I eventually came up with my own workable solution: Become a bass player. By doing this, I was able to pursue my love of playing music while being absolutely certain that not one person in the crowd knew I was on stage.