6 Ways To Tell If You’re Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven

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You find yourself buttoning the top button of your shirts. You have stylish hair and dreamy eyes. Gloves may factor into some of your choices. At this point you may be asking yourself an important question: “Am I acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven?” Read this simple guide and find out for sure!

1. People around you refer to you as acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven.

Everyone knows that the people closest to George Clarke rarely call him Tom, Ed, Shannon, or William Tell. So if your friends and family members call you on the phone and say “Hey acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven,” instead of something like “Hey Gustavo,” you just may be the man himself!

2. You have all of Deafheaven’s lyrics memorized and tattooed on corpses in your basement. 

Lots of fans have Deafheaven lyrics memorized, and a few have some tattooed on their own, still-alive bodies. But only one guy out there spends each full moon covering himself in paste and howling to the North while inking a fresh stanza on a dead body. If that’s you, then you’re probably acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven!

3. Someone picked you out of a police lineup by saying “That’s acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven, the man who killed several homeless men and tattooed lyrics on them.”

Some people try to copy ol’ Georgie’s hair and fashion sense in attempt to look like everyone’s favorite current vocalist of Deafheaven. But you can bet they would never get picked out of a police lineup in a high profile murder investigation centered on Mr. Clarke himself! So if they’re pointing at you, chances are you’re acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven, and you need only a one more body to fulfill the prophecy and become the most powerful wizard.

4. Everyone says you’ve always been such a nice guy, and none of this makes any sense, none of it.

Any average Joe could be in a tense, tear-filled courtroom as they’re handed a life sentence, but you’re acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven. You know that the inane blubberings of a handful of plebs is nothing compared to the eternal glory of becoming the most powerful wizard and hitting all the other wizards with very strong magic.

5. You just found the last sacrifice.wizard5

Did you just check out your cellmate and determine that he’s the perfect fit? Have you come up with a plan? Then find your paste and get some ink, because you must be acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven!

6. You are the most powerful wizard.

You may have just ritualistically sacrificed a fellow inmate. What Deafheaven fan hasn’t? And now, you may even be sitting in your wizard chair and pointing at things with your wizard stick. Pretty standard! But if that spilt blood of the wicked fulfilled the ancient prophecy and allowed you to become to most powerful wizard who can hit all the other wizards with very strong magic, you must be acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deaheaven! Give yourself a pat on your wizard back, you earned it!

(Images VIA, VIA)

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  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    I want to marry this article and have its babies.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    Man, I sure hope I am acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven. NOT.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Shrimp plz! I love Deafheaven so much!

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      The “NOT” part must be you screaming in horror after you found out that you in fact aren’t acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I screamed in horror when I found that out.

    • Seems like there are worse people to be. He’s tall, handsome, in a successful band, and the world’s most powerful wizard.

      • I’m still amused that he always look clean. He must not wash his own dishes or something to preserve his manicure :S

      • sweetooth0

        the dead hobos stinking up the basement could be a bit of an issue though.

  • MoshOff

    Ah, Deafheaven. Pioneers of good old Black Metal along with Liturgy.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXlo5CIyiGQ

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Moshoff plz! Liturgy will never be as good as Deafheaven!

      • Tyree

        *Ending life.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          We know you hate Deafheaven Tyree. Don’t make George Clarke sad.

          • Tyree

            I will do everything I can to make him feel sad or dead.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            You wouldn’t kill GC! You wouldn’t dare!

          • Tyree

            Nope, because I’m too busy killing my self in the most horrific way possible.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Yay! GC and his opus Sunbather will live forever!

          • I “sunbathe” everyday to reach work. It’s not that great.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I’m talking about the opus known as Sunbather by Deafheaven. It’s an album so advanced that it is centuries ahead of its time.

          • You know what’s advanced?

            My tan lines.

            If I put my hands together it’s like a chocolate Oreo with vanilla in the middle.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            That’s so advanced that Jaden Smith tweeted that statement as soon as you said that.

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            That’s taking it a bit too far.

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            Let’s just say that my jimmy rustling opus is complete.

          • Tyree
          • Void Dweller

            What is that from?

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I think it’s from one of the Hostel movies.

          • Call the Slambulance
          • EsusMoose

            Making him sad would probably help him write lyrics that would lead to him killing people and writing them on their perfectly preserved skin.

          • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs
    • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

      Liturdgy.

    • wtf is this?!

      • MoshOff

        True Black Metal

        • Nah, thanks, I prefer black merol:

          • KJM

            Stoner/Doom Merol!!

      • Sir Tapir the Based

        Fukkbeard’s favourite band.

        • incoming reck-age in 3..2..1.. (RFI)

          • Sir Tapir the Based

            Yes, your screencap is correct. I did kinda liek it. But so did Fukkbeard.
            *reck-age DENIED*

          • Sir Tapir the Based used block!

            Sir Tapir the Based blocked sucesfully the Reck by Jimmy Mcnulty (Trademark).

  • Sir Tapir the Based

    I found this very amusing/10.

  • Tyree
  • This amuses me, engorges me, and confirms the editors’ theory that Stockhausen is the mastermind behind Clickhole.

    • Stockhausen

      You’ll never know for sure (I definitely am though).

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        If this article has done anything, it has alerted me to the fact that they are called Deafheaven and not Deafhaven. Thank the maker that I actually never have spoken their name out loud.

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    Didn’t he used to comment here on occasion? Or was it a troll account? Or was it Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven running a George Clarke troll account?

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Maybe he’ll come back!

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        I don’t know. We’re a frightening bunch sometimes. Maybe not as frightening as Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven, however.

    • Very suspicious that the user stopped commenting around the same time acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke was sentenced for murder and corpse desecration…

      • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

        What if whenever you remove one of the tattoo lyric-corpses from his basement, A.M.V.G.O.D. loses the memory of those lyrics? What if A.M.V.G.O.D. is like a tree-marionette and his corpses are the root-marionettist?!!! He’s the lure and they are the fish waiting to eat more homeless people to strengthen their corpse colony.

      • KJM

        I read that at first as “corpse defecation”.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          That’s even worse than desecration because no one would want to clean that up.

        • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

          That would make a splendid band name. Especially for one of those brutal slam metal bands where the vocals just sound like gargling.

  • EsusMoose

    Lesson to be learned: Sacrificing people helps make pitchfork like you.

  • Jorge Claro, de Cielo Sordo es uno de los mejores vocalista del Metal Negro de la historia. A nosotros nos gusta mucho su música aquí en México.

  • Guacamole Jim

    OMG I’M GEORGE CLARKE!!!!

  • Maik Beninton

    You know what rimes with Deafheaven?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUa5oHgYV2k

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      You know what rhyme with Naik plz?

      Maik plz!

    • Matt Damon

      MATT DAMON

    • Call the Slambulance

      No matter how many times I see it, I can’t stop the giggles.

  • Way #7 – Your crappy vocal delivery ruins some otherwise listenable music.

  • Rho Stone

    there’s always a better wizard https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzMCuplp4qo

  • Tyree

    Joe is Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke. My proof:

    http://cdn2.pitchfork.com/news/56090/b2e1089f.png

    • Sunbather ya’ll!

    • We’ve been photographed together! It ain’t me!

    • Stockhausen

      I feel satisfied in this case.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      You’re right

  • The Black Dahlia Burger

    This reads exactly like a Clickhole/Onion post and I love it

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • D. Lee

    This post almost makes me want to see if I can make it through more than 30 seconds of sunbather again. Almost

  • What’s the reason of this guy “anger”?

    I’ve never lsitened Deafheaven, but I’m watching this photos and he always want to do the black-merol-face.jpg and I don’t understand why, because he seems like a clean, good boy from the suburbs of a middle class family in the US.

    • Dagon

      Basically your run of the mill black metal guy with a haircut and neo-Brooklyn flair.

      • Soo..

        Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke is a poser? o.o

        Jokes aside, I mean, it’s very interesting that they used the black metal sound with their aesthethic. I think they were very clever to use the pink cover, it’s, indeed, a very forgetabble cover.

        • I don’t quite understand why this band is so polarizing, but you should give Sunbather a listen and decide for yourself. I like it.

          • Can you compare them with first Alcest albums?

          • Kinda similar. There are no clean vocals but lots of shoegaze-kinda guitar melodies.

          • To be honest, I’m really picky with those shoegaze soundscapes. It can be very boring to listen a guitarrist with a mammoth pedal scraping the strings to make the sounds. Same stuff with post- genre.

            In fact, my favorite Alcest album is their last.

          • Howard Dean

            Alcest’s album Ecailles de Lune is like a more complete, dynamic, well rounded, and enjoyable version of Sunbather that came out 3 years earlier.

            I actually enjoyed the Deafheaven track “Dream House” for its sort of ethereal, emotive vibe. It has a lot of beauty hidden in its layered, “sunny” wall of sound guitars. I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not a fan of Deafheaven, but I’m not a hater just for the sake of hating. But I can say with certainty that Ecailles de Lune is a superior album to Sunbather in pretty much every way.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Isn’t a lot of it irritation at Pitchfork and cats that don’t even Emperor coming out and saying they’ve revolutionised black metal?

          • I suppose you’re right. But all critics and bloggers are stupid anyway.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            It’s a sweet racket though. The free stuff, the rubbing noses with art folks. Art folks are funners.

          • Let me know if you have any ideas of how to get into that crowd. I’ve got a ponzi scheme an idea I’d like to pitch.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            There’s always selling out. I’m sure its possible to sell out without going full Metalsucks/Bloody Disgusting.

          • We’re critics/bloggers 😀

          • CT-12

            I think it has more to do with how much metal and music media at the time insisted upon this band, especially from media outlets that barely credited metal as a worthwhile genre in the first place. They also got super famous, so they’re just the easier band to hate when people are looking for examples (I’m sure a lot of the trve krew don’t enjoy An Autumn for Crippled Children either, they’re just more underground so they’re harder to use as a relative example). Either way, people shouldn’t let any collective side make up their mind about this band; just let the music do the answering.

          • Óðhinn

            I had actually been listening to Sunbather for weeks, and was really enjoying it, before I heard that it was controversial. Based on the music alone, I see no need for the controversy. Although I’ve had many detractors try to justify the hatred to me (saying that it’s not actually Metal music, etc.), I’m fairy certain that it’s about who Deafheaven are rather than their music. “Middle America, blue collar” (for lack of a better terms) Metal fans don’t want college educated, urban (especially San Francisco) hipsters making Metal music and doing it well.

            I still listen to Sunbather. It’s a really good album.

      • Also.. Is he angry because he couldn’t buy the last Starbucks cookie?

  • Dagon

    If one is to collect all of acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke’s tattooed corpses and then slay acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke to absorb his power Highlander style, does one become acclaimed metal vocalist George Clarke himself?

  • Malted Hate

    What are this year’s best releases (LPs and Eps) so far?
    (Kvlt/tr00 stuff only pls).

    So far I’m digging Death Karma, new Tribulation, the new Malthusian ep, crypt sermon… not much else (haven’t been paying much attention probably).

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      New Drudkh and Minsk have been touching me in the good places.

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

      Downfall of Nur.

    • Sir Tapir the Based

      I haven’t liked too many metal albums this year. The new Oblivionized is probably my favourite metal album this year so far. I also really loved Steven Wilson’s lates album, Other than those I’ve been digging some Finnish stuff that pretty much only me and Beargod know about (Bensiini, Circle, Tähtiportti, Cmx etc.).

      • Malted Hate

        Oblivionized isn’t my cup of tea, but gained respect for them for pulling of a great performance for like 5,10 people at a show I’ve went to earlier this year. They where the first band playing and people were arriving late to the venue because of a soccer match…

    • Tyree

      Darkness Impenetrable by Embrace of Thorns, Cultus Diaboli by Bloodlust, Erotomysticism by SERPENT NOIR, Shards Of Silver Fade by MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY, Adoration of Blasphemy and War by GOATBLOOD, The Myth Of Mankind by ANTAGONISTE, Nihilum Infandum by ANTINOMIAN, Nuctemeron by OCCULTUS, Vænir by Monolord, a gaze into the abyss by ANTLERS, Manipura Imperial Deathevokovil (Scriptures Of Reversed Puraana Dharmurder)by Genocide Shrines, Nocternity – Harps Of The Ancient Temples, Deathhammer Evil Power, 2015 MLP by THE HAUNTING PRESENCE, Satan Rebellion Metal by Invincible Force, Swarþ – Veneficivm, EMBRIONAL “The Devil Inside”, Ego Sum Sathana by GOAT SEMEN, Night of Consecration by Pyriphlegethon, Evil Proclaimed by ABOMINATOR, Darkness Beyond by Hacavitz, Hic Iacet – The Cosmic Trance Into The Void, Söngvar elds og óreiðu by Misþyrming, Shaped By Aeolian Winds by Hæthen, Malicia by TOD HUETET UEBEL, Approaching Conflict by Truppensturm / Thorybos, Through Lung and Heart by DEVOURING STAR, and The Heart of the Netherworld by Desolate Shrine.

      • Malted Hate

        Harps of the Ancient Temples (the song) might be song of the year for me. Still need to check the rest of the album.
        Thanks for the tips!

        • Tyree

          Yeah, that’s a fantastic album. I was skeptical of it the first couple of listens, but it finally clicked.

      • KJM

        Mono = One
        Lord = Lord

      • The W.

        I scanned this huge list and saw Antlers. You’ve done me proud.

    • So far, this one are the most spinned by me n_n) I still need to update it with two other records:

      https://rateyourmusic.com/list/Linkleonhart/my_2015/

      • Malted Hate

        I kinda liked the revenant king (the song) from Visigoth, might need to check out the rest of the album. Almost too power metal-ly for my taste but I kinda like the vocals.

  • Alucard, Fuckmothering Vampire

    Not only am I Oli (Fucking) Sykes (Son), Jim (Fucking) Sterling (Son) and Alucard the Fuckmothering Vampire, but I’m also George Clarke, Acclaimed Metal Vocalist Of Deafheaven too.

  • One could almost read this post as an effusive love letter to George Clarke. (One=I, almost=definitely).

  • Howard Dean

    I admitted this to Link here in the maelstrom of comments, but I actually enjoyed the track “Dream House” from Sunbather. The warm, almost “cheerfully melancholic” layered guitars form a powerfully emotive wall of sound. I don’t really think the vocals fit well with the music, but the music in that song is pretty decent. It isn’t a riff heavy headbanger or murky bog of necrostench like most of the stuff I enjoy, but it has it’s place. I still think Alcest–particularly the album Ecailles de Lune and Le Secret EP–and Les Discrets do this style of “metal” better, but I can’t pretend like it’s the worst shit I’ve ever heard.

    *This confession brought to you by Howard Dean’s melting ice caps ov kvlt hoarfrost.

    • Tyree

      It happens dude. I like a lot of embarrassing shit that I don’t share with people. Not going to lie when I say that I love me a lot of 80’s and 90’s female singer songwriters and Pop singers. It’s fucking so lame man, but I jam that shit loud when it’s played on the radio or whatever.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka9mCmx9Jhs
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka9mCmx9Jhs

      Edit: I still hate George Clarke and Deafheaven though.

      • KJU’s Dancing Pubic Hairs

        GAH!!!!!

    • EsusMoose

      I really love deafheaven just hits something just right as does a lot of the post-black and blackgaze stuff, but I also enjoy making fun of people who take methheaven too seriously in either direction. And Geogre Clarke seems like a strange individual.

    • Leif Bearikson

      I am an unashamed Sunbather fan. Own it on vinyl. It touches my soul. Will fight all opposition.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        I love it too!

    • I like this. And I will revisit that Alcest album, because I listened along with Souveniers from Autre Monde and I think it are good albums, even when I don’t dig them fro too much long.

      +1 to HD and his melting ice caps in my Link Notebook.

    • The W.

      Early Alcest is fantastic. I honestly think the first 5 minutes of “Vertigo” off Sunbather are brilliant.