February, 2015

  • The Porcelain Throne: Toundra

    While the Throne is usually reserved for older or defunct bands, I found that Lacertilian’s article on Toundra is good enough to occupy any throne. In fact, I think I found my new favorite instrumental band thanks to this submission.

    The Throne is thriving thanks to you guys, keep sending in your articles, and remember to use The Official Porcelain Throne Guidelines if you need some help getting started. Without further adieu, here is Lacertilian:

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    February 25, 2015 • Discography, The Porcelain Throne • Views: 2004

  • Review: Visigoth – The Revenant King

    I’m not exempt from favoritism. I’ll admit that. Local bias set the bar for Visigoth’s full length debut unreasonably high. I was all ready to proclaim The Revenant King one of the best albums of the year thus far and a worthy addition to the U.S. heavy/power metal resurgence. Those were my expectations, and The Revenant King tore through them like a battering ram through budget-ass toilet paper. It knocked me on my ass, held a sword to my throat and said, “Your expectations weren’t high enough. Die for your doubt.” With this I vowed to comply directly subsequent to finishing this review. Nice knowing you all.

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    February 25, 2015 • Metal, Nerd Shit, New Stuff, Reviews • Views: 2027

  • New Music Roundup: Imperial Triumphant, Defeated Sanity, Yellow Eyes, Sannhet

    This New Music Roundup has a theme: music I was late to the party on. If you’re reading this website (spoiler: you are) you’ll be able to impress your friends and neighbors with your extensive knowledge of dissonant death metal, brutal death metal, black metal, and instrumental post-black metal. Don’t be like Edward. Stay up to date on all the hot new song streams and upcoming album release dates in a single post. Be forewarned: this post contains a lot of opinions. Continue Reading

    February 25, 2015 • New Music Roundup • Views: 1544

  • Review: Apocrophex – Suspended from the Cosmic Altar

    Unrelenting is the first word that comes to mind when I think of Suspended from the Cosmic Altar. From album opener “The Grey” all the way to the closing track “Exposed Organics,” Aprocrophex relentlessly pummel the listener with their furious brand of death metal.

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    February 24, 2015 • Reviews • Views: 1589

  • The Noob’s Guide to Devin Townsend, Part 2!

    Howdy my fellow turlet dwellers! Jimmy McNulty and I are here with the second installment of The Noob’s Guide to Devin Townsend! Previously, McNulty took you through the discography of Strapping Young. Today, we divided up Devin’s solo efforts and will address each album with our own take. Although much of Devin’s work is solely created by him, the albums covered today are strictly under the moniker of “Devin Townsend”. Lets get started!

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    February 24, 2015 • Discography, Nostalgia Boners • Views: 1627

  • Which Heavy Metal Cult Is Right for You?

    Are you lonely, scared, confused? Do you desire friends? Does your life lack meaningful interaction with other human beings? Do you willingly take orders from others? Do you work better in a close-knit structure of people with little outside interference? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then congratulations! You’re a prime candidate for eligibility in a cult organization?

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    February 24, 2015 • Metal, Nerd Shit, Opinion • Views: 1644

  • This Toilet Tuesday (2/24/15)

    It’s your second day in Japan. You and a close friend had been saving for months for this trip and you’re finally ready to start taking in the sights. One of the first places you stopped was a small restaurant; you knew that it would take time for your digestive tract to acclimate to a new diet, but that didn’t stop you from binging on sushi and okonomiyaki. Now, here on a crowded street in downtown Hiroshima, you are beginning to feel the karmic backlash for your culinary recklessness. You dash through the crowd into the nearest shop (a dingy hardware store) and shout at the cashier in broken Japanese for a toilet. Looking slightly confused, he points you to an unmarked door in the back. Clenching your buttocks in an effort to hold back the coming tide, you waddle over and push open the door. To your dismay, there is no actual toilet; just a small hole in the floor opens into a pit. Not even a proper squatting toilet. However, you have no choice. You groan and squat over the hole.

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    February 24, 2015 • New Stuff • Views: 2209

  • Nightwish – Élan: A Video Breakdown

    It would appear Nuclear Blast are somehow still in business.

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    February 23, 2015 • Metal, Video Breakdown • Views: 1734

  • Sognametal: The Legacy of Windir – Part 2

    If you’re anything like me, four albums from Windir is simply not enough to satisfy. After exploring and digesting them for the first time years ago, I voraciously searched for more music like Windir. Multiple friends suggested many, many bands, and though most of them just didn’t quite capture that same arctic sound that Windir so flawlessly produced, I was able to discover a few gems that really shine.

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    February 23, 2015 • Metal • Views: 1954

  • Sound Off: Worst “Official” Band Websites

    Let’s b real here: social media has all but eliminated the need for official band websites. If you’re interested in a band these days, chances are pretty good you’re getting all your news about them via Facebook or Twitter, or through fine journalistic sources like this one. Still, many bands continue to embrace the hottest idea of 1995 with their own Personal World Wide Inter-Net™ Web-Site®©, and by “continue to embrace,” I mean just kinda forget about or not bother redesigning and/or updating.  Continue Reading

    February 23, 2015 • Metal, Nerd Shit, Opinion • Views: 2017