2 Chainz vs. Seven Chains: The Ultimate Grudge Match
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! WITNESS THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN TWO GENRE HEAVYWEIGHTS WHEN RAPPER EXTRAORDINAIRE AND COMMERCIAL PHENOM 2 CHAINZ TAKES ON THE PITCH BLACK UNDERGROUND DARK HORSES SEVEN CHAINS IN A NO-HOLDS-BARRED, HELL IN THE CELL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAIN BATTLE! WILL HIP HOP PREVAIL? WILL METAL REIGN SUPREME? TUNE IN TO SEE DEATH-DEFYING RIFFS, HUGE HOOKS, AND GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF BOOTY! YOU’LL PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!
Rap vs. Metal. The age-old battle. A rivalry as old as dogs vs. cats, battle jackets vs. fashion, turtles vs. wolves. This Sunday, Toilet ov Hell in a Cell (a subsidiary of ToH Inc.) will put the timeless duel to rest with a no-quarter table-and-chain match between two of the all-time greats. In one corner, the undisputed king of rap, winner of 2 BET awards, 5 BET Hip Hop awards, and 1 Grammy, Tauheed “2 Chainz” Epps. In the other corner, underground workhorses, blogger delights, and wielders of more than 2 chains, blackened-doom trio Seven Chains. Will 2 Chainz prevail with his bottomless grooves and streetwise sleaze? Will Seven Chains prosper with their massive walls of distortion and sensual sax? Tune in to find out.
The rules are simple. The artist that takes the majority of five rounds judging artistic merit will emerge victorious. Lllllllllletttt’s get ready to ruuumMMMMBBBBLLLEEEE!
Round 1: Riffs
2 Chainz: There’s no denying 2 Chainz’s catchy bounce and thicc grooves, but let’s face it: Mr. Epps’s skills as a guitarist leave much to be desired. Sure, he’s better than Lil Wayne, but that’s not really saying anything. 2 Chainz’s instrument is his serpent’s tongue, and he should know better than to try to win over the crowd with flaccid riffs like those you hear on “Netflix”.
Seven Chains: As a doom band, even an experimental one, Seven Chains is at home in the riff. Guitarist Noah Wayne Coleman has licks for days, and he knows how to make those hips swing when the mood calls for it. Need proof of his skill? Look no further than the self-titled debut’s opening cut “Mysterion” with its absolutely massive lurch and stomp. I don’t think 2 Chainz is going to see straight after that slam.
Decision: Seven Chains
Round 2: Catchiness
2 Chainz: If there’s one thing 2 Chainz knows how to do, it’s rile the crowd up with a positively infectious ear worm. Have you heard “Birthday Song?” Of course you have. Everyone has heard “Birthday Song.” Your little cousin sings “Birthday Song” in the car with her Lexus-rolling wine mom on the way to soccer practice. Your cousin shouldn’t be singing “Birthday Song,” but here we are. 2 Chainz and his crack team of songwriters, including Kanye West and Mike Dean, just know how to craft a hook, and Seven Chains are going to be feeling that left hook in the morning.
Seven Chains: Seven Chains, on the other hand, are cursed with the unfortunate predicament of being an underground extreme metal band attempting to play something unique. You know what that means, right? Melodic hooks, singable lyrics, and repetitive song elements are few and far between. Is their sound captivating? Yes. Will it take you more than one listen to pick out any type of discernible feature amid the sea of dense, blackened waves? Definitely.
Decision: 2 Chainz
Round 3: Lyrical Mastery
2 Chainz: “She got a big booty, so I call her Big Booty.”
Seven Chains: Esoteric tales full of rich allusions to mental suffering and catharsis that no single normie is ever going to figure out.
Decision: 2 Chainz
Round 4: Number of Chains
2 Chainz: Two. Only two. I don’t even know if these count because of the “z.”
Seven Chains: Seven. That’s at least two more than two.
Decision: Seven Chains
Round 5: Heaviness
2 Chainz: Trap Music is essentially tech death for hip hop; it’s garish, gratuitous, and it gets the neck moving. 2 Chainz is trap music on kratom, and cuts like “Trap Check” go HARD. A. F. Do you think Seven Chains will get the thots twerking like that? Hell no.
Seven Chains: Seven Chains have the benefit of being an actual metal band, and one high on the normie scale at that. Roaring vocals? Check. Blasting drums? Check. Sweet skronking sax courtesy of Ascaris from Ævangelist? Check. Seven Chains have the swagger, the riffs, the power to be described in a poorly worded EPK as a “brutal slab of blackened brutality.” Damn, that’s heavy.
What? A draw? How did that happen? Surely an absurdly skilled and surprisingly intense underground darling like Seven Chains should easily prevail over 2 Chainz (because you can’t spell “crap” without “rap,” amirite?), but 2 Chainz’s ability to make that booty move is undeniable. It looks like all those chains got linked up; I don’t think either of the fighters are moving. I guess we’ll have to leave to just let this age-old rivalry be settled another day.